How do you feel towards your DC's birth mother?

[WoohooCharityShops]

Pity? Anger? Indifference?

I appreciate its all very individual but I'm curious, how do you feel towards/about her?

[Ted27]

@WoohooCharityShops

you not an adopter are you? Can I ask what your interest is?

[WoohooCharityShops]

Of course.

I'm not an adopter no, I'm a birth parent.

I've always wondered how they viewed me but don't feel it would be appropriate to ask that question during annual letterbox contact.

[flapjackfairy]

I have no I'll will at all towards my sons birth family. They were hamstrung by their own upbringing and experiences and were victims themselves in many ways.
I feel sad for all they have lost and hope that somehow they can manage to turn it around and make a good life for themselves.

[Ted27]

it probably depends on why the child was removed.

I feel sad for her.

[StylishMummy]

I preface this by saying I'm not an adopter but DH and I are considering fostering with a view to adopting in the future. My research thus far suggests most birth parents were failed by their own families as children, and unfortunately the cycle has continued. There are cases where birth parents have been deliberately abusive/have harmed their children but those who are removed because of addiction and neglect I think are perpetuating their own experiences. Very sad but in those cases I pity the birth parents more than any other emotion.

[WoohooCharityShops]

I was late teens at the point I had my BC, removed at birth due to risk of future harm. DV from birth father was the primary issue and I couldn't safeguard either of us.

I appreciate anger would be natural in cases where the child has suffered neglect and/or harm.

I wouldn't think badly of them for judging me to be fair, I just hope that they don't. Their opinion means something to me.

I'm a mother again now with a reasonably nice life, but this question always rears its head every year we exchange letters.

[WoohooCharityShops]

You all sound very kind. It's nice to read. Thank you.

I have a great deal of respect for my BC's parents, they've given BC a wonderful life and I could never have done at the time.

I think because I judge myself quite harshly for my shortcomings back then I worry that they would take the same stance.

[springnamechange]

If you were a teenager when you had your child I would say you were a child yourself. So if I had adopted your child I would feel sad for what you went through when you were a teenager and wish you all the love and best wishes for your life.

[WoohooCharityShops]

@springnamechange

If you were a teenager when you had your child I would say you were a child yourself. So if I had adopted your child I would feel sad for what you went through when you were a teenager and wish you all the love and best wishes for your life.

19 when I gave birth, bad circumstances and no support - definitely not conducive to raising a child but I still look back and kick myself for not getting away sooner.

Overall the adoption was what was best and I'm thankful for the life BC has which is full of love.

The mum sounds like a lovely person and has been nothing but kind to me via our yearly exchange but I wouldn't dream of asking her directly in letter so it's nice to get a general consensus here

[Actuallyabitgreynow]

She is one of my closest friends.

When I first met her, I felt a lot of empathy. I wanted to adopt her too (which incredibly patronising as she is only 5 years younger than me) but yeah, her circumstances were sad. We've since developed a solid friendship.

[Gordongrumpy]

Compassion and empathy (mostly). Sometimes, I feel angry on LO's behalf, but mostly I adult, and see the pain and tragedy that led them there.

I hope you come to see yourself with the compassion that hopefully your DC's adoptive family see you.

[ALevelhelp]

@Actuallyabitgreynow

She is one of my closest friends.

When I first met her, I felt a lot of empathy. I wanted to adopt her too (which incredibly patronising as she is only 5 years younger than me) but yeah, her circumstances were sad. We've since developed a solid friendship.

Wow you sound lovely ❤️, does the child know she's their BM?

[Actuallyabitgreynow]

@ALevelhelp yep, he's only 5 but understands he grew in her tummy but she couldn't keep him safe forever so now I'm his forever mummy, but he also understands that she loves him and is a safe person to be around with me there. He sees her as another auntie figure just like my other close friends

[ALevelhelp]

[quote Actuallyabitgreynow]@ALevelhelp yep, he's only 5 but understands he grew in her tummy but she couldn't keep him safe forever so now I'm his forever mummy, but he also understands that she loves him and is a safe person to be around with me there. He sees her as another auntie figure just like my other close friends [/quote]
Aww that's so lovely

[WoohooCharityShops]

@Actuallyabitgreynow

She is one of my closest friends.

When I first met her, I felt a lot of empathy. I wanted to adopt her too (which incredibly patronising as she is only 5 years younger than me) but yeah, her circumstances were sad. We've since developed a solid friendship.

Wow, that has moved me.

Can I was it an open or closed adoption via SS? How did such a friendship develop?

I never got the opportunity to meet BC's parents but always wished I could have done. The only exchanges I've had, has been via annual letter with a contact coordinator as a go-between.

I've wanted to ask to meet her a few times, during the early days, but the contact coordinator would ask me to amend my letters and not make direct requests so as far as I know - she has no idea I was ever open to it (nor do I know if she was either, mind you)

[Mynamenotaccepted]

Very mixed here, we adopted our son when he was 5 having been removed from her after he was found nearly dead with pneumococcal meningitis at 8 months old and she was off the planet having taken heroin (she was a known addict) Beautiful boy was left deafblind cerebral palsy and a multitude of problems. I was so angry with her and could not understand how drugs were so important to her.
Move on 15 years and he sadly died and my anger melted away and I managed to contact her. Have spoken to her several times and I feel so guilty, she is a sad lady who lost her way and lost her children.
I have learnt my lesson never judge people unless you know all the facts!
BTW I am not usually horrid, we have other adopted DCs and get on ok with the birth parents and feel their sadness.

[WoohooCharityShops]

@Mynamenotaccepted You sound the furthest thing from horrid, you sound incredibly compassionate to me.

I hope the years you spent with your son were full of happiness, in spite of such an awful start to his life.

I'm so sorry for your loss

[MacavityTheDentistsCat]

I come from a family of four children, with my two older brothers having been adopted as tiny babies. Mum died many years ago and never had contact with my brothers' birth mothers, but she always said that she hoped and prayed that they were at peace with the adoptions and that she was eternally grateful to them for having given her the chance to be a mother herself.

[Mynamenotaccepted]

@WoohooCharityShops thankyou. Was worried I may have upset you. Like Actuallyabitgreynow I feel like scooping her up and bringing her home with us. (Dh has said no) Take care

[Actuallyabitgreynow]

@WoohooCharityShops it's a bit of a long story but I've written about it here (which I think also has a link to a previous post which explains a bit more background too).

rosemarylucas.co.uk/my-boy-meets-his-birth-mum/

[houseofrabbits]

I feel a huge range of emotions. We did foster to adopt so were carers for our son when he was newborn. He was very unwell in hospital, in physical pain much of the time and the high pitched cry was just heartbreaking. I have huge empathy for our son's mum but in those months he was in hospital I did feel anger towards her, as his pain and time in hospital was a direct result of her actions and was totally preventable.

Now he's a few months old, I feel huge sadness that she could not raise her son. He's the most beautiful, amazing, fabulous little baby and it breaks my heart she couldn't make the changes in her life that she needed to make. She has not seen him since he was a week old, despite being offered contact. We are about to apply for the adoption order and are pushing social services as hard as we can to get in touch with his birth mum so she has the opportunity to see her son and meet us. We have made it very clear that if she ever feels able to approach social services whether it's in 6 months or 6 years we will consider direct contact.

[Whatthechicken]

I have a lot of sympathy for my children’s BM. We often talk about her with the children. She didn’t stand much of a chance really at providing a safe and loving environment, she doesn’t know what that looks like. She wasn’t provided with the tools to make sound choices. My youngest is her double, and so clever, so sometimes when I look at her a get a pang of sadness, because life could have been so different for her BM if she was given the right opportunities and family life. But, BM did put them in situations that were dangerous, my youngest is under a paediatrician for something that was a direct result of BM’s lifestyle and choices, nothing that is life limiting...but it will effect her throughout her life and it can’t be put right. So on occasion I have felt anger (but I’ve never expressed this in front of the kids).

I try to be honest with my kids (age appropriately) and give them the facts, because although I have a lot of empathy for BM and we do talk fondly about how much she loved them, I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture of her. I hope through letter box we can slowly build up trust between us and BM, so one day the kids have options open to them as to whether they want to reconnect or not.

[WoohooCharityShops]

I'm touched by how compassionate you all sound, despite some of your children's starts to life being so awful. You all sound lovely (in a totally not patronising way)

I'm taking heart from this thread and I'm glad I posted as I've never had the opportunity to talk with adoptive parents before. It's cathartic for me as I'm due to receive my annual letterbox contact any day now.

For the first time in almost 8 years I've been permitted photographs, which came ahead of the letter, and I can hardly put into words how incredible it is to see BC's face.

Direct contact is always something I've prayed for. I'm not permitted to request it (local authority has a very stringent set of rules for letterbox contact, understandably) but BC's mum has relayed to me, via them, that if and when BC is old enough to request and process the possibility then she will support that.

Thank you for giving me this space to listen to your POV's

[gabsdot45]

We know very little about our Children's birth parents.
I mainly feel sad for them. Their lives were obviously really difficult and losing their children can't have helped.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think you’d need to be very hard hearted not to have compassion for someone who has lost their children. In our case my D.C. birth mother never really stood a chance, yes some of her decisions harmed my DC but those choices were driven by her circumstances which were awful at the time. To my knowledge she’s doing much better now which I’m delighted about, I wish every good thing for her, and hope she has the opportunity to thrive.