Am I being unreasonable?

[Hayleyoooo]

Hi I am 35 years old and was adopted at birth. I found my birth mother 5 years ago. My birth mother was young when she had me and she went on to have two children with my biological father. When I first contacted her she told me no one knew about me she kept it a secret from everyone including my biological father and her own father. It was only her mum that knew and made her hide her bump. She eventually told my siblings that they have a sister and they took the news fine and met me but she has told them to keep it a secret which they have for 5 years. I am now married with 4 children and they know that she is my birth mother. At the start she said she would tell her dad, brother the truth and let me meet the rest of her family. She kept coming up with excuses not too tell them and last week I asked if she was ever going to tell people who I actually am and her reply was you don’t understand how hard this is for me after all these years and there’s nothing to gain by telling anyone so no I’m not telling anyone. I felt a bit annoyed at her and feel like cutting all contact. Do u think I’m being unreasonable?

[percypetulant]

No, you're not. You don't deserve to be someone's secret, this isn't on you, it's all on her, and her shame, and lies, and that's hers to deal with. She is an adult.

If you're benefiting from contact with your siblings, maybe keep that, and leave contact with birth mum for now?

All children deserve parents who are proud of them. That she can't be, says so much more about her than you. You deserve pride, everyone does. This is not good enough for you, it's ok to say that.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hayleyoooo you are not being unreasonable at all.

I am so sorry your birth mum is not able to own the past and was encouraged/mad to hid your birth in this way.

I really hope you can get some help processing all this, could you see a counsellor because this must be quite stressful for you.

I'm just so sorry for your situation but hope you can find peace.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

You don’t deserve to be anyone’s secret, but it sounds like you have been a secret for a very long time. It’s not unreasonable for you to want to be open about your birth mum, it’s also not unreasonable for her to not want people to know about part of her life she has kept secret for a very long time. They are part of your story, but they’re also part of hers.

I’d echo seeking counselling with someone experienced with adoption issues, there’s always the potential for birth family contact to not work out as you hoped. It’s not unreasonable for you to want everyone to know who you are, you may decide to tell them anyway (family secrets have a way of getting out) but you’d then be living with the consequences of that which may not be good.

What do you want from ongoing contact with your birth family? That might influence what you decide to do here.

[Hayleyoooo]

Hi thank you for all taking the time to reply. I didn’t think I was being unreasonable and I understand it must of be very difficult for her as she’s kept this a secret for 35 years but I feel like I shouldn’t be anyone’s secret.

I had agreed with her at the start that I wouldn’t tell my biological father even though I have siblings on his side that I would of liked to meet. I have only ever asked her to tell her family and come clean.

I do think I will cut all contact with her as I don’t deserve this and it’s even worse when she has my children and lies about who they are aswell. My oldest is old enough to understand it all and just goes along with it all when she is with her.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

That sounds very difficult, you’re not responsible for the circumstances of your birth and what happened at that time. How does she introduce you to people, who do her family think you are to her? It’s odd that she’s happy to have you in her life but not to acknowledge you. Surely that’s harder to maintain than to just tell people about you?

[Hayleyoooo]

She introduces me to people as her friend and her family haven’t met me at all. We once saw her brother in the shopping centre and my sister told me and my oldest daughter to stand away as she was scared he might ask questions as I look like my birth mother and sister. I think I have just put up with it all for so long as I always thought deep down she would come clean about it all but as time has went on I have relised it proberly isn’t the case and I’m not as important to her as she makes out X

[Hayleyoooo]

I meant to add my sister has additional needs and pretty much does anything my birth mum tells her and doesn’t question anything. My brother was on my side about it all and told my birth mum she should tell people the truth as it’s not fair on me. X

[2bazookas]

BM kept you a secret for a very long time and her mother colluded in it. But maybe the baby wasn't the biggest secret.

Could her father or brother be your father? If so, no wonder she can't tell them about you now. Or let you meet them.

[Rosebud2005]

I get it was hard for some women back then but no you are not being unreasonable. It’s not fair.