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Adoption

Adoption if your child says 'no'.

33 replies

Giovanna1712 · 24/11/2020 01:18

Hi, I'm new here: proud single Mum to my amazing 3yr-old LO (adopted).

I've been asked if I could adopt LO's baby birth-sibling. LO is positive about sibling but consistently says they don't want to live with them. I believe keeping them together is the right thing to do (because of sibling relationship and genetic connection at very least).

Family say LO is too young to decide and will adapt regardless; however, they only come from position of birth children dealing with new sibling, not those who've suffered separation and loss. And whilst that doesn't define my LO it is something I'm very conscious of.

I'm fully aware how ridiculous it sounds basing monumental decision on child's POV so please don't lambast me for that; am just afraid of spoiling what we have and making decision that makes LO feel usurped and supplanted. LO is my absolute world and just want to make right decision for them (and, ultimately, baby-sibling).

Would anyone go ahead if their child was saying 'no'?

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PandemicPalava · 24/11/2020 01:59

I think a 3 year old would have reservations about a new baby regardless but yes, they would adapt. It's scary for them and they think it means less love for them but as with any new baby, with the right approach things could be wonderful

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121Sarah121 · 24/11/2020 07:43

I think it’s your decision to make regardless of what they think. It’s your job to prepare and support your child.

My daughter was 4 when we were going through the adoption process. There’s a beautiful mini series in doc mcstuffins where the mcstuffins family adopt a baby and donny feels scared and runs away. It’s beautifully written and we used that as a basis of lots of discussions. Adoption is different as there is no pregnancy to see developing or connection to be made through kicks and movements etc which means preparing child is even more tricky.

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EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/11/2020 09:29

I have a 3 year old. She isn't able to make level headed decisions herself, she's not much more than a baby. I would make a decision yourself, and she will go along with it, it would be amazing for her to have a sibling.

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EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/11/2020 09:29

Sorry, I was assuming your lo was a girl!

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thistle52 · 24/11/2020 09:30

We adopted for the second time when our LO was nearly three. He consistently said no to having a brother. On the odd time he said yes we discussed the benefits!

We took the view that he was three and we were adults and we wanted him to have a sibling so we did it anyway. We have no regrets. They are not related by birth but get on really well.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 24/11/2020 09:41

There are a few things to think about. Your 3 year old isn’t able to make this kind of decision, which you know - they can’t possibly understand the potential
Implications. I’d be giving consideration to how long your child has been with you, have they ever lived with this sibling, have they lived with an older sibling (with maybe a challenging relationship), how settled is your child and how much of an impact would a new addition have on your ability to cope and to meet competing needs.

While it’s a lovely idea to keep siblings together it needs to be much more head than heart - you already have one child with needs which will become more apparent as they grow, do you have capacity for another with all the uncertainty that goes with adopting a baby?

I don’t say this to put you off, I have a sibling pair and as much as I love the bones of them, it’s very very hard work. In your case it’s not like bringing a new baby home having been pregnant - you’ll be going through the whole transition process with two children who will both need all of you.

You are right to really consider the impact on your child, not to give her final say in the decision but to honestly consider her needs and your ability to stretch yourself.

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Giovanna1712 · 24/11/2020 16:27

Thank you, you've all given me some good points to consider, and it's reassuring to hear those of you who've been in similar positions have had positive outcomes.

If this baby weren't already here I wouldn't be considering adoption again, I would at some point but not right now because of LO's age and family commitments (caring role).

Thinking of jellycatpyjamas points the one thing that sticks out practically is that my car is essential for my caring role, but there'd be no room to continue helping with another baby. So even if it's the right thing for my LO (and the baby), it would be at the expense of the family support I provide.

Makes me feel like I'm having to choose between them which is adding to my concern. I'm embarrassed now thinking about this but do adoption teams provide financial/practical support - would they help if I couldn't fully afford a different (cheap, second-hand) car that would allow me to still help my family and welcome the baby? As 'choosing' between them feels horrendous, even more than worries about LO adapting I think. Has anyone here ever needed practical support from them? I've never had to consider it before.

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AldiAisleofCrap · 24/11/2020 16:32

@Jellycatspyjamass someone who was adopted and separated from birth siblings I would be very angry as an adult if the reason for that was a decision I made myself at age three!
Your child will adapt and yes I would go ahead with the adoption.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 24/11/2020 16:32

The local authority can provide an adoption allowance which is a proportion of the fostering payment they make to foster carers. They can also help with setting up codes and legal fees. In your shoes I’d press quite hard for ongoing financial support especially given you’re thinking about a new placement more quickly than you would have done.

Don’t feel embarrassed about asking (and making a strong case for yourself). You’d be saving them an absolute fortune in legal fees and carers fees and having a sibling pair is a very different prospect to having a singleton.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 24/11/2020 16:34

@Jellycatspyjamass someone who was adopted and separated from birth siblings I would be very angry as an adult if the reason for that was a decision I made myself at age three!

@aldiaisleofdoom I’m not sure what your point is, I was very clear that the decision shouldn’t rest on the will of the three year old, it should be based on the OPs capacity to meet both child’s competing needs.

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KrakowDawn · 24/11/2020 17:28

This is ultimately about what you can manage as a lone parent. If you can manage two, then go for it, but two can be very hard work when you're on your own.
Also think about what happens next time birth mother had a baby. You're not going to be able to keep on adopting them, so some siblings are going to end up elsewhere.

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janetmendoza · 24/11/2020 17:37

I would just ask if you have a limit on numbers because there is no reason to think this will be the only birth sibling. Adopted ds has four older siblings and at least 3 younger ones born after he was with us. For various reasons we said no to the first one and it was the right choice. It would have been really hard I think to accept one of his siblings then reject the subsequent ones

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AldiAisleofCrap · 24/11/2020 19:34

@Jellycatspyjamas sorry I meant to tag the op not yourself with a viewpoint as an adoptee.

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Babamamananarama · 24/11/2020 19:46

Re the car - don't get hung up on that issue.
A second hand Ford Galaxy or Citroen Picasso 7 seater can be found for £2k-£4K and will do you a good few years (the ford engines in particular go forever). They have room in the back for 2 car seats plus one adult comfortably, and then an additional 2 seats in the boot.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 24/11/2020 19:49

No problem @AldiAisleofCrap I did wonder - and yes the impact on an adult of a decision expressed when they were 3 could be awful.

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Giovanna1712 · 24/11/2020 23:43

@AldiAisleofCrap thank you for your comment, I really appreciate input from someone who has lived this experience. What you've said is something I've thought of time and time again. I don't want to separate these children but really would not be looking to adopt again so soon. I just want to do what's right by them both.

It's reassuring to hear there is some form of financial support as it's been a worry. @Babamamananarama, I wouldn't even get that for my little car so would still need to find the shortfall. I hate having to think of things like this but @jellycatspyjamas is right, I have to think of all practicalities.

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Giovanna1712 · 24/11/2020 23:43

Sorry, I forgot to say thank you to you all for your comments and trying to help.

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Italiangreyhound · 25/11/2020 00:40

100% your decision on whether or not you can cope.

Kids are bloody hard work I know but if you were planning in adopting at a later stage again, I would seriously consider adopting your child's sibling now.

Whether it is best for these two to be brought up together is a major part of the decision, as well as whether you can cope or not, of course.

"...the one thing that sticks out practically is that my car is essential for my caring role, but there'd be no room to continue helping with another baby. So even if it's the right thing for my LO (and the baby), it would be at the expense of the family support I provide."

I think you need to be realistic about how much assistance you can give in a caring role (if this to a family member or a voluntary role or a job?) while looking after a new baby and a three or four year old.

Who else in the family/community/charity can help with these responsibilities? The amount of work that the two children will be will lesson as time goes on so you may be able to carry on with other caring responsibilities at some point in the future.

When we adopted our son (now 10) my mum was looking for a care home. If she had chosen a home local to me it would have put a lot of strain on things. Luckily, she chose one near my sister. We still visited but did not have the bulk of that caring at that point. We had tried for about 8 years to have another child (our birth dd was 9) so it was very important to us.

It's not been easy but I would not be without my son and it was totally the right thing to prioritize him.

In your shoes I would try and think about your child and possible future child and what you can cope with. Your own child or children must come first (IMHO).

Having said that I think only you can answer this one but whatever you decide I hope it goes well.

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Babamamananarama · 25/11/2020 08:13

OP our old '04 Ford Galaxy was £1500 and it ran brilliantly for 4 years - I presumed you might want something newer as most people won't countenance old cars but I've never had an issue with them.
I totally get that upgrading your car and finding the shortfall is a challenge but in the grand scheme of deciding the shape of your family and the potential impact on the siblings, my point was that the car issue isn't the one that deserves your focus, there are practical ways round it if you do decide that extending your family is the right thing to do.

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Moominmammaatsea · 25/11/2020 22:31

@Giovanna1712, honestly, I think the majority of toddlers would express a preference for no usurping potential sibling! Please, make the decision based on your current and potential parenting capabilities and capacity and logistics. Cars are easy-peasy, you simply take them to a garage, get ripped off to the nth degree, but hopefully will come out with something more along the lines of what you need. Yes, it will be expensive. But (really wish there was an appropriate shoulder-shrug icon here) you will, fingers crossed, emerge with a larger car that will fit not one but two children.

Seriously, as the single adopter of two (non birth-related children), please, consider your wishes and desires for your family, in mitigation with what’s right for your existing child, and then worry about the boring practicalities of cars etc. Don’t rule out adopting your child’s sibling, if that is what you want, before speaking to the placing authority about the possibility of an adoption allowance, for example, or a settling in allowance that could potentially help you upgrade your car - or even fund the right car seats that could potentially make your car viable. Consider first what you want and what you are able to cope with - and then think about if you were to proceed, what financial help would make your adoptive parenting easier. Equally, if you can’t, upon consideration, envisage yourself as the parent of the new sibling, then it is absolutely fine to be honest with yourself. Take on in life what you can and no more.

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Italiangreyhound · 26/11/2020 02:07

Moominmammaatsea excellent advice.

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Giovanna1712 · 27/11/2020 02:37

You're right, thank you so much.

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Mycatwontstopstaring · 30/11/2020 16:02

I have an only child (infertility) but all my friends have recently had second children. Is every single case the older child reacted badly to the baby - regressing into babyish behaviour, bed wetting, aggression to the baby etc etc. It isn’t talked about much but not many three year olds feel hooray a new sibling.

(Also, when my son was three he said no to everything. Even the toy shop / play centre etc.)

Just food for thought.

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Italiangreyhound · 30/11/2020 22:31

Giovanna how are things going?

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Giovanna1712 · 23/12/2020 23:56

@Italiangreyhound

Giovanna how are things going?

Ok ish thank you, just very busy, still a few things that need to be addressed but having less days where I'm filled with panic! Thanks so much for checking on me.xx
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