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Bereavement during assessment

(9 Posts)
Honeybee45 Wed 15-Jul-20 08:48:52

We are a few weeks into our stage 2 assessment and my father sadly passed away on 1st July , he had been ill for a long while so it wasn’t unexpected. We have been advised by our SW we will have to take a break from the assessment to ensure I have properly processed his death. I understand this and have agreed to take a few weeks off but because he had been ill for several years and his health deteriorated gradually although I am sad and will miss him I don’t feel overwhelmed with grief as he was really suffering the last few months. I think the SW is expecting me to take a longer break than I feel I need as I have already grieved for the dad I knew as he was mainly bed-ridden in his last 2 years and spent a lot of his time sleeping.
We are already in our mid 40’s and we really don’t want to have a delay but she advised panel would look unfavourably on me if I haven’t taken time out to process his death properly, I do appreciate that I guess I’m just being impatient as the last few months have been so geared up into adoption mode - prep, reading, assessments etc… and then suddenly we have to take a break. I’m not even sure why I have posted this I am just feeling sorry for myself I think, I just hope I don't come across as heartless and selfish

OP’s posts: |
fasparent Wed 15-Jul-20 10:13:48

Can understand in part reasons., a child could be placed who may have similar circumstances regards separation and loss, unfortunately this is not explained very well, would think they are being sympathetic and understanding too yourself and child's possible scenarios.

Ted27 Wed 15-Jul-20 11:03:14

Sorry to hear about your dad.

I understand what you are saying about already grieving. I said goodbye to my nan, as we thought her death was imminent, then she rallied and went on for another six months.
Grief is a strange thing. After my nan eventually died I don't remember feeling very much, but the funeral really hit me hard.
You might find that if you can't give your dad the send off he wanted because of COVID restrictions, or sorting out his things, or dealing with paperwork, all of these things can be very difficult.
I understand you want to get on with things, but a few weeks won't be much in the grand scheme of things.
Take the time, see how you feel after the funeral.

Jellycatspyjamas Wed 15-Jul-20 13:47:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had a bereavement during our process, my mum died 4 weeks after our approval panel, we were looking at possible matches and felt massively frustrated by a further delay. My relationship with my mum wasnt an easy one and I thought I'd be fine but actually I really needed to take some space and was glad I did. In the end we took 2 months out - if they had let us we would have continued but honestly knowing I had space to react in whatever way I needed to meant that I did allow myself to grieve and to process the quite difficult emotions that came up for me.

It's so hard, but when children are placed it brings up all kinds of feelings of loss so better to give yourself the time and space and not need it, than to find out too late that you really did need to care for yourself first.

Jellycatspyjamas Wed 15-Jul-20 13:48:55

And no, you don't heartless or selfish, the adoption process brings with it a whole new level of pragmatism and that's what I hear in your post. Go gently with yourself.

sunshineandskyscrapers Wed 15-Jul-20 15:57:23

Sorry for your loss. You may feel like you just want to plough on and many people do just jump back into normal life/work etc. after a loss because they don't feel a need to sit at home crying or even slow down at all. Some people then suffer later on because they didn't take the time to grieve properly. It's not too say you'll be one of those people but you can see why the SW would want to avoid the risk of you being in that position. I think you need to accept the break and use it to be kind to yourself in whatever way you need. A few weeks is not a long time in the context of adoption delays.

PaintedLadyWBB Wed 15-Jul-20 17:06:39

So sorry for your loss. It’s a tough one. We lost a family member just 3 days after our panel. They asked whether we needed a break but we felt we didn’t. I know the circumstances are different as we were already approved but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel about grieving beforehand. Only you really know how much time you need if any. Maybe have another chat with your SW. Do make sure you have given yourself time though. The adoption can take its toll emotionally.

Finchbon Wed 15-Jul-20 20:50:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a situation but along the same lines (dealing with grief) and for the same purpose, the sw felt panel wouldn't look favourably on me for not getting counselling/dealing with an issue from years ago.
I was asked to take a break as the sw felt I'd not dealt with the "Bereavement" of my able bodied mum having life changing illness and life altering surgery several years previously.
I found a psychologist who dealt with bereavement and adoption issues and had a couple of sessions.
The psychologist was happy I had dealt with the grief in my own way and put it in writing to the sw.
It delayed things by approx 6 weeks and was never mentioned at panel at all.

Honeybee45 Fri 17-Jul-20 08:12:56

Thank you for all your kind messages and advice. It was the funeral yesterday which ended up being a lovely service and a fitting goodbye. I will call the sw next week for a chat and will likely take another couple of weeks away from the assessment just to make sure I am ok.

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