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Birth parent meeting(8 Posts)
I really wanted to meet birth parents as everything we know about them is negative and I wanted to have something positive to tell my son so he knew there was a person behind the reports. My husband wasn't as keen but was willing to do it.
We had a meeting scheduled for the first day of introductions but sadly birth parents cancelled the day before. They said they just couldn't go through with it. I think this is sadly quite common and will depend how much birth parents engage with social workers.
We found it really helpful. We have a picture of us and BM which is in the girls' life story books. We could put a person to the background, and it has definitely helped with writing contact letters.
On the whole the birth family are likely to be more nervous than you.
Have a few things to ask, eg
- why they chose the name
- any hobbies or interests as a child
- any hopes for the child for the future
and some reassurance eg you will bring them up knowing their past or whatever
We found it useful - partly because birth mother was able to provide information beyond that provided by social workers, but more than anything because we were able to tell DS that his BM was fine. SW took a picture of us all which went into his life story book, and I think DS found that reassuring in some way (although so far he is not interested in the book). We were all extremely nervous beforehand, but glad we did it.
I remember being in the same position. We were all up for a meeting with birth parents for the sake of our child. Obviously this was before we were matched and learned of the circumstances as to why our LO was being adopted. When learning about LOs birth parents we then became a bit more unsure about meeting them. We did still agree to it for the sake of our child and fortunately for us but unfortunately for our LO, birth parents refused a meeting. Every situation is different and every birth parent is different.
Its natural to be nervous about it. SWs won't put you in a dangerous situation so there is no reason for it to be scary.
Most birth parents aren't to be feared. Of course some have perpetrated criminal abuse and neglect on their children. But very many are like my son's birth parents, people with a whole set of their own problems which overwhelm them. I haven't met his mum but have met his dad on many occasions. I quite like him, I can see where my son gets his smile and charm with the ladies from ! But he has too many issues of his own to care for his sons.
It wasn't awful, I just found it terribly sad to be honest, lots of tears. Remember its far worse for them - they are losing a child.
Sorry, meant to say DH did not find it useful and only went for our daughter's sake. He actively regretted it for at least 4 years after. He cannot put into words why, I guess it is just a personal thing.
I found it useful. We had to do a 3hr round trip for the meeting and it was simply 15minutes. Birth dad had very closed, aggressive body language but warmed up and shook DH hand at the end. Birth mum was sweet from start to finish. We asked about DD name and I asked if they had any hopes or dreams for her. That was pretty much it. It was terrifying but remember birth parents are also in the same boat. Social worker should heavily guide the meeting and it will be short and to the point.
We are just filling out our matching checklist and one of the questions is would we accept a birth parent meeting. We are saying yes because we understand the benefits of this for the child, but has got me thinking about it and feeling nervous! Can anyone share their experiences of birth parent meetings? Is it really awful? I just imagine it being very awkward/sad/scary!
Thank you in advance
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