Hi everyone. I guess this could be an AIBU but I've always found everyone in the adoption forum so much more supportive than the general MNers and I do feel there is a possible adoption aspect of it. Thanks in advance for your non judgemental listening and any advice you may be able to offer!
Partner and I have been together 15 years and I have always had a v positive and close rship with MIL with never a cross word between us. She is naturally a very warm person who would do anything for anyone and is generally lovely and very well intentioned but on the other side is pretty bossy and does have a habit of dishing out "advice" in all of her rships which is quite often unsolicited. If you can imagine she's lovely person BUT v much one of those ppl who thinks they are a qualified doctor, parenting expert, mechanic, DIY extraordinare etc so it can be very hard to escape her "suggestions". She is also not especially worldly is a bit of a one for absorbing whatever the daily mail says so I have had to bite my tongue many times when politics has come up! I suspect that the fact I am v polite/diplomatic as a person and non confrontational means that we have always gelled along fine whereas I suspect different daughter in law's may have struggled more! I have up until recently always been able to laugh it off in my head, and used to notice that she would undermine my sister in law's parenting sometimes with our older niece but tended to view it through the lens of doting grandparent. However since adopting my little boy (now 21ms) since November, and having been v intensely spending time with just her and father in law whilst not being able to see much of my family, her almost constant well meaning advice etc is turning from a mold irritation to upset and dread that is causing me to avoid going round there (a precedent started to be set where she was asking me to pop over to see her in garden every day) and I'm finding visits with her are leaving me feeling resentful. I think as an adopter I have struggled at times with feeling a a "legitimate" mummy (however ridiculous the logical side of me knows that is!) And maybe this is playing into that.
These will sound pretty examples but it's things like - constantly offering unhealthy snacks to my son despite me repeatedly telling her he has set snack times and has just eaten. Constant commentary on doesn't he have any shoes/hat/coat/raincover when perhaps I haven't felt it necessary for him to wear those items that day. Commenting on him being on his "terrible 2s" and a "handful" (with laughter as a sort of joke but still...) because she will insist on giving him ornaments/age inappropriate toys/delicate books to play with that he will subsequently be rough and boisterous with (things we don't let him play with at home for that v reason) and then I spend the entire time round hers having to police his behaviour and play in a way I never have to at home. Not so subtly buying him toys around skills she seems to think he isn't developed in yet (for example she kept casually mentioning he "needed" a "practice" at shape sorting because he wasn't getting on v well with puzzle type toys at 13ms and presumably she thought he was a bit behind...he's since mastered skill fine through casual unforced play). Making not v tactful comments that usually revolve around how young her 2 children were at doing things like self settling/dropping bottle/dummies etc and "what you wanna do...?"
Eugh. I've started to feel insecure, exhausted, inadequate and undermined after each visit and I've been trying so hard as I've been taking round bits of shopping for them and got into habit of giving her company during lockdown so I feel quite disloyal feeling like this as I know it's all well meant. I'm useless at confrontation and conflict and so I tend to just smile my way through bit it's really getting to me and my partner doesn't really get it (he's just more blunt than me, will say something to her at the time but think nothing more of.it) so I end up resentful. I know I need to take ownership over this and accept some of this is my responsibility so I have started to pull back a little on time spent over there. I don't know what I'm after lately but maybe ideas for how ppl have handled similar situations once they've come home? Oh and just to add adoption stuff into mix she sends her friends pics of him without asking first, fairly sure she tells.ppl stuff about his background that I'd prefer her not to, and uses less than ideal references to his BPs as his "mum and dad" which are forgiveable but grating...
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Struggling with MIL
12 replies
veejayteekay · 01/07/2020 16:54
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.