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To be constantly thinking/talking about the process during?

(16 Posts)
MrsMarvellous Wed 24-Jun-20 18:18:57

Obsessed is probably a strong word but I find that i'm thinking about it all pretty constantly!

We've just finished stage 1 now (Yippee!) and have had to put stage 2 on hold for a few weeks due to a one off situation but will be back on track shortly.

I feel like it's all I talk about / think about at the minute - was anyone else like this during the process? I think COVID maybe isn't helping as I don't have my hobbies to distract me!

Also side note; I haven't even been matched with a child, or passed stage 2, but I already feel very motherly feelings about my non existent child .. how is that possible?

OP’s posts: |
googledontknow Wed 24-Jun-20 18:56:17

I haven't been through it myself (yet), but I expect it is similar to how a woman once she decides to actively conceive probably can get obsessed with fertile windows and the like.
Then once pregnant can get obsessed with eating right, what nappies she will use and whether she will breast feed etc.
Then once the baby is born ... and so on and so forth ... grin

It's exciting to think hopefully fairly shortly you will have a new member of your family, I would find it strange it you weren't consumed by it.

Usually the advice is to go in lots of child free weekends away/holidays and big nights out during this time, but I guess that's not really on the cards in the same way at the mo!

mrsspooky Wed 24-Jun-20 19:58:28

me too, we are super keen for them to move us from stage one to stage two but its all madly (but understandably!) slow its just taking months to do anything! I go between being desperately keen for them to be here to feeling like its never going to happen and we should just give up its so slow! But its hard to think how they are out there somewhere close and its still so so so long until they come to us. Ive been dreaming about them, buying things for them etc etc, we are ready now but feel it could be years before we get there!

Fakinit03 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:04:51

I'm the same, we're in stage two now and have our panel date for September and I talk/think/read about it all the time. I've been reading loads about therapeutic parenting and brain development which I've found really interesting!

Ted27 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:23:09

It's very easy to let it take over your life particularly in the current situation where there may not be other things to distract you.
During my assessment I trained for and ran a half marathon and then a two week expedition to the Mountains of the Moon in Uganda.
No harm in day dreaming but I wouldn't but stuff - you never know what they will come with from FC and you may well end up with a child totally unlike the one you dreamed about.

mrsspooky Wed 24-Jun-20 21:59:44

dont worry ive only got essentials that will be needed just the extra things wel need - I already have two so need to get a third of some things! And Uganda - awesome fun!!

Theweansmum Thu 25-Jun-20 07:12:29

Hi Mrs Marvellous
I was obsessed with the whole process while I was going through it too. It's very hard not to be when you get on the adoption machine. However, as a note of caution, it took 3.5 years from my first call to the LA until my DD moved in. It was a long and very frustrating and very emotionally challenging wait.
When the kid moves in it's also very overwhelming , the matching process is emotional - many of us surf waves of doubt about whether this is the right child all the way through matching - introductions are a whirlwind and a new child is amazing for many but a really difficult adjustment for many us used to a carefree existence. It is different from bringing a newborn birth child home because the wee one no matter how young (my daughter was 7 months) is really unsettled to begin with. And it takes most people time to fall in love with their child. I remember being so weirded out that the foster carer kept referring to me as mummy. I said to my DD on a walk during introductions, "I don't feel like your mummy and you don't think I'm your mummy, this is very weird. But, we'll get through it".
Anyway, my advice would be to try to live your life as normal as much as you can right now. Spend the time enjoying your freedom (I hated it when people said that to me but it's true), go on holiday (obv post lockdown!), do a course or start a new hobby, just try to distract yourself.
My DD is an absolute joy and delight and was well worth waiting for, but I still look back on the wait and feel angry it took that long. It did give me lots of time to save - the other really important thing you can do right now!
Good luck

poppet31 Thu 25-Jun-20 09:08:23

Hi OP. I remember this part of the process well. I got pretty obsessed and watched so many adoption documentaries/read books/listened to podcasts. I wanted to be as prepared as I could be (the truth is nothing really prepares you!) but I let it consume me. I remember people telling me to enjoy my child free time and I felt so patronised but honestly, I wish I had listened. You don't get that time back. The last 9 months since my son came home have been the hardest in my life and I really do wish I had appreciated my life before a bit more. I know it's so hard to not let adoption creep in to your every waking moment but do try to make the most of the time you have left before you become a parent.

Fakinit03 Thu 25-Jun-20 09:38:04

I agree with other comments, I have a birth son already so I'm obsessed but already in the world of parenting. I wish I'd appreciated my child free time more before I had him, but I was obsessed with ttc and ivf instead. It's good to do reading etc first and it's only natural to be excited and thinking about it all a lot but enjoy yourself too. In particular sleep! And being able to sit and relax in this nice weather and just read a book! I miss those days!

MrsMarvellous Thu 25-Jun-20 11:34:03

Thanks for all the responses,

Glad to know it isn't just me!
All I've bought so far is a Teddy. I can't bring myself to get anything else until we know we have a match and what they like.
We've been busy doing all the little DIY jobs around the house that needed doing during lockdown but they are all done now.

Luckily me and my husband are both key workers so we've had work to keep us busy; but it doesn't do much to occupy me mentally. I am enrolled with open uni but my course doesn't restart now until October. sad

I've downloaded duolingo to try and improve my Italian (and maybe try and learn a third language eventually) so hopefully I'll be able to get into that with some gusto!

OP’s posts: |
Theweansmum Thu 25-Jun-20 12:03:14

That all sounds good - I eventually did an art class, which was brilliant. There’s something very mindful about art. Oh, and karaoke is good too - you can’t obsess about anything when you’re belting out ballads in a soundproof room with your best friends!
I don’t want to bring in another downer but beware the soft toy overload. Attached is the menagerie that accompanied DD from foster care - she’s shown very little interest in any of them since!

Weatherforducks Thu 25-Jun-20 12:29:32

I was obsessed too, but it’s a major life changing thing you are undertaking. I tried to busy myself with things that would help our approval but things that I would enjoy too. Some things would be a bit difficult now but I did stuff like a children’s first aid course, we invited our support network people round for dinner/barbecues, invited neighbours round for a drink to get to know them better (useful in case of emergencies) we ‘borrowed’ our niece and nephew quite a lot (which their parents loved). We also got any big house or garden projects done and lots and lots of adoption reading. Doing these sorts of things kept me busy and made me feel proactive - when there was little I could do to make the process go quicker.

And seriously take the time to enjoy yourselves. My parents usually take the kids out once a week or maybe have them for a sleepover...but these last four months have been relentless...I would give my right arm for a boozy, lazy pub lunch in the sun right now!! Intros and those first few months will knock you for six so make the most of now. Good luck!! It is exciting, so try to enjoy the process.

Weatherforducks Thu 25-Jun-20 12:40:52

Just remembered a couple of other proactive things: find out about your local area...parent and baby/toddler groups, clubs, nurseries, local parks/recreation grounds...and get all the box sets you want to watch binged now... before you know it, your telly will show nothing but peppa pig and coco melon!

veejayteekay Sat 27-Jun-20 06:03:27

Hi! I identify with this completely. During the process I could think of little else and I think it's fair to say I was consumed by it. I think these feelings are fairly natural when you think howeeever you have a child, how much intensity is involved whether it be pregnancy, adoption, IVF etc. Trying to have a child is trying to fulfil one of your deepest wishes which has a propensity to hugely effect your quality and enjoyment of life so it's understandable I think that it feels momentous and at times you can feel obsessed by it. There's also he fact that adoption is a very intense process which by necessity requires you to spend a huge amount of your time being reflective and introspective as well as making a significant about of practical and emotional preparations that many ppl having children do not need to even consider so it's no wonder that it takes over in a whole new way. Added to that if like me you are adopting due to infertility, you will come to the process with w lot of pressure for this to work out. I do look back on the process now and wish I'd sometimes reigned things back though as it did become so all consuming at times that I wasn't really giving myself mental space for anything else. There were definitely times or didn't feel healthy and although I never believe you can talk yourself out of thinking about something, I do wish maybe I'd diverted my attention away a little more for positive distraction. I did have certain times towards the end and in matching where I conciously tried to start restricting how much adoption content I was engaging with as we'd had a couple.of rough knocks along the way and I really needed a mental holiday from it at times so I withdrew from forums, books and documentaries etc when I needed to and I only wish I had done this earlier as even now 7ms into placement I see the residual toll the process has taken on my energy levels and when ppl ask me if I'd do it again any time soon my honest answer has to be no as although I'm thrilled with the result, there is no way I now feel I have the mental reserves to tackle this again for a good 5 years or so but everyone's journey is different and leaves them with different scars. As for feeling motherly feelings already I think you'd be surprised how common this is. I used to visualise my child as a bit of an abstract concept but as if we were moving closer and closer to each other and I definitely experiences feelings of love that weren't at that time attached to a particular child and now I have him home I can still say they were similar feelings to some I feel now as his parent. It's a very odd phenomenon.

RoomForMore Sat 27-Jun-20 07:08:12

It's all me and DH talked about! I was careful not to talk about it too much with friends and family though. Part of me didnt want to bore them, and also they didnt really understand what we were going through and that was frustrating sometimes.

We had to wait a few months for DD so I was glad I hadn't wasted money on clothes for her as they would have been too small. I was constantly browsing the girls clothes in shops though! (Pre lockdown smile).

I bought her a few teddies, but even then she came with some, had some as presents for christmas from other people etc so now she has loads!

We got her room ready which was nice to focus on. We already had 2BC and everyone just kept telling us to enjoy them before she came hmm because we hadn't thought to be doing that confused

The waiting is so hard when you feel like part of you is somewhere else and you just want them at home with you right now!

poppet31 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:01:04

I just wanted to add to what I said as what Veejay wrote really resonated with me. When your little one comes home, it will take every ounce of energy that you have. You will never have experienced tiredness like it. I wish I had spent a little more time on self care in the months before my son came home as I think I would then have been in a better place to cope with those early days. I also wish I was a little bit fitter - having a toddler is physically demanding. I find myself aching frequently!

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