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Strange situation

(9 Posts)
user1479136681 Thu 20-Feb-20 16:56:54

We did not get linked with the first child we expressed an interest in and were very sad about it at the time. We were told it came down to finances.

Well it turns out some of our friends from the training course were the couple who pipped us to the post!

We've been linked with another child now and he feels like the right fit, we're very excited to meet him.

I don't think I'll mention it to our friends but it does feel a little strange.

Just thinking about the road not travelled!

OP’s posts: |
MinnieMouseMaze Fri 21-Feb-20 07:12:15

Finances are a strange one to use as these are assessed as part of home study. The only thing I think it may be was time off for adoption leave? Maybe they had longer or argued they could take longer with finances? Must be frustrating for you.

Gobbledeygook Fri 21-Feb-20 07:33:48

It’s only natural that it takes some processing time to heal from this experience: there is so much emotional investment in the idea of welcoming a child into your family. How can it be otherwise? Try not to dwell too much on the reasons - it may be simply that the other family were a better fit and they had to give you some justification. You will find that the pain/wondering is alleviated very effectively now you have been linked with your child.
I’ve been there. Many of us have. All the very best for your intros !

Gobbledeygook Fri 21-Feb-20 07:43:39

Regarding it being your friends who are adopting this child: wow, that is potentially properly awkward. I think it’s probably best, if possible, that you don’t mention it - I can’t see what good can come of telling them. The only vaguely similar situation I know of is when a friend of mine was told by another adopter that they’d been ‘offered’ her child but rejected him. It would definitely have been better for them to have kept that information private.

Thepinklady77 Fri 21-Feb-20 07:52:01

Yes I agree not mentioning it to your friends. I presume you were told a reasonable amount about the child and their history/story. This may be hard for your friend to know you are aware of so much of their story.

We saw our children at an exchange day. Many of our prospective adopter friends were at that day (we move in adopter circles a lot) and many have since told me they were very interested in my children. Although the information shared on that day was fairly limited a couple of key points in their life were shared as it was important that people were aware before expressing interest. These are things we have not even shared with close family and I struggle that some friends know this information when ordinarily I would not have shared.

user1479136681 Fri 21-Feb-20 08:27:53

@Gobbledeygook I think you're right about needing to give a reason. In fact it didn't feel quite "right" somehow which I didn't even realise until we had the linking with our (hopefully!) son and I felt much calmer about that, it felt very different somehow.

I am not going to mention it to them for sure. I hope our children can still spend time together at some point because they are the same age.

@MinnieMouseMaze yes at the time we were very upset that it was decided on finances as we'd been approved and my wife had since had a payrise!! I remember thinking we'd never get matched if that was the case. Luckily we did though!

OP’s posts: |
Jannt86 Fri 21-Feb-20 12:23:53

We were turned down for our first interest which our SW actually put us forward for. I was gutted even though we were goven minimal info. Fast forward a few weeks we were matched with our beautiful baby girl. It's uncanny (and no co-incidence on the SW's behalf) that she looks very like us and we even look quite like her BP's and even seem a bit like them in personality from what I know. I honestly couldn't imagine any other child as our daughter. She's smart, funny, full of herself and a PERFECT fit with us. In a few weeks/months I doubt either of you or the other adopters will care about the link because you will be unimaginably in love with the child you have been matched with. Congratulations on the match that was made and very best of luck xx

Jannt86 Fri 21-Feb-20 12:29:19

PS I know it's frustrating when we aren't linked with children we think are perfect but no offense I think doing the kindof work that the social workers are doing they shouldn't always have to give a reason. We complain that the system is too bureaucratic but we can't have it both ways. If the SWs know this child and their needs like they ought to then they should be allowed a degree of freedom to just go with gut instinct and this should work in the child and adopter's favour. I asked our LO's SW why us and she said it really came down to gut instinct xx

Theresnoroomonmybroom Fri 21-Feb-20 18:34:14

I was in a similar(ish) situation where I was contacted about a baby however his birth family lived so so close so my sw, his sw and I came to the joint decision it wasn’t to be. The baby was matched with friends of mine who raised it a couple of years later in an awkward situation where they suggested that I had been turned down in favour of them. It was very difficult as I didn’t know what to say. I find it hard to think about though as if it had worked out I would never have met my daughter...and that’s hideously painful to even try to contemplate. I truely believe the right baby/child finds the right parents for them in the end x

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