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Struggling after adoption.

(24 Posts)
poohsticks30 Sun 16-Feb-20 14:40:24

NC due to sensitivity.

Has anyone gone to the doctors about depression after the adoption is completed. Was there any fall out from asking for the help?
I'm a single adopter and Little one has been home for well over a year. Adore her but the court process was really difficult and finding work so hard. Just worried about going to ask for help.

OP’s posts: |
121Sarah121 Sun 16-Feb-20 16:17:38

I recently posted on here (thread called “im exhausted”. I reached out for support through adoption agency etc and I have found everyone very helpful and supportive. Adoption is an emotive experience and I think it can be quite normal to feel overwhelmed or anxious or needing support. If you feel you need to see your gp please do so. You are the only one who knows how you are feeling. I believe that that will be seen as a positive, that you are seeing help when you need it rather than going against you like you fear. Keep talking too. I found I’m not alone and I want you to know you are not alone too

ifchocolatewerecelery Sun 16-Feb-20 20:59:16

If your adoption order has been granted, it's no one's business but yours and your GP won't raise it as a concern.

sleeplessinderbyshire Mon 17-Feb-20 07:46:58

I’m a GP. We know adoption is high risk for depression/anxiety/other disorders and also know that perinatal mental illness (or peri-placement mental illness) can have a huge impact on attachment and on family wellbeing. Please go and see someone. Depression is so treatable and absolutely no reason for us to tell anyone else (unless you/child were at risk of significant harm)

Niffler75 Mon 17-Feb-20 14:32:34

@poohsticks30 How are you today? Just wanted to let you know I experienced similar and you are definitely not alone.
I'm sorry the court process was difficult. Do you have much support around you as a single adopter? Your local post adoption team may have support groups for parents. Also Adoption UK have a national network of support groups.
Take care 💐

Ted27 Mon 17-Feb-20 20:05:30

@poohsticks30 I'm a single adopter, I found the adjustment to going back to work very difficult, I didnt want to be there and found is hard establishing a routine that suited everyone.
Do yoo work full time? I think what's kept me going as a single adopter is being really strict with keeping time for me. I work part time and I always kept Friday morning for myself, and 8 years later I still do. I don't care about the housework, the shopping, whatever needs doing I do something for myself. What kind of support do you have - what can you call in.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, but do be clear about what help you need. If you feel you are depressed then go to the GP.
Its tough being an adoptive mum and its ok to say that.

TheReef Mon 17-Feb-20 21:15:42

I wish I had. I'm a single adopter and found it really difficult, I struggled to bond with li and it was tough. I still struggle now if I'm honest

Italiangreyhound Mon 17-Feb-20 23:01:14

@poohsticks30 I'm sorry this is so hard. Please go to the GP. You deserve to get all the help you can.

Parenting is tough. Your child needs you to be fit and well. And you do deserve it. flowers

@TheReef, How long ago did you adopt? I really feel it's not too late even if it's been several years. Our son joined us almost 6 years ago and we still have some occasional post adoption support. Our relationship has gotten better over the years and post adoption support has helped.

PoppyStellar Tue 18-Feb-20 00:13:58

Hi @poohsticks30 I’m another single adopter. Definitely ask for help. I think it’s hard sometimes when you’re used to being the one who ‘does everything’ to give yourself permission to a) acknowledge that things are bloody tough and b) ask for help be that from GP or post adoption support or whatever.

I didn’t have post adoption depression but did ask for post adoption support, eventually. In hindsight I wish I’d sought post adoption support way sooner rather than struggling on thinking I needed to cope with everything and getting to the point of blubbing down the phone to the duty social worker which made me feel like a right nutter!

Lean on your support network too if you can. A regular call to my oldest friend who lived hours away but who just totally understood me was a lifesaver.

Could you do anything to make work more flexible so it feels more manageable? I was able to work from home a few days a week which helped my sanity. Also worked part time for the first few years. I was very poor as a result and am now working full time to try and pay off some of the debt I accrued but it did help in giving me a few hours a week to recharge.

Italiangreyhound Tue 18-Feb-20 09:44:08

@PoppyStellar we had a problem about 2.5 years ago (about 3 years after little one arrived).

I had asked for help by phone several times but it took me blubbing down the phone on an answer phone message to get the help we needed!

Things are much better now.

Always ask for what you need @poohsticks30

If you do not ask, you will not get; it also suggests you feel you should not need help.

But we all need help from time to time. flowers

TheReef Tue 18-Feb-20 10:25:10

@italiangrehound she’s been with us for 6 years now. She has various behavioural difficulties which we weren’t aware of at the time, attachment, sensory and she’s just been diagnosed with ADHD. She’s just been placed in a special school following being excluded from mainstream. A fairly impressive feat for someone in primary school. So it’s safe to say we’re still having lots of issues that don’t help my own mental health

PoppyStellar Tue 18-Feb-20 22:18:38

@Italiangreyhound it’s good to know I’m not the only one to have blubbed down the phone!

@poohsticks30 how are you doing?

poohsticks30 Tue 18-Feb-20 22:29:38

Thank you so much for your encouragement all. Been a very hard couple of days with adding complication that aren't adoption related. Booked a doctors appointment now just have to get up the nerve to not cancel.

OP’s posts: |
Italiangreyhound Wed 19-Feb-20 02:30:03

@TheReef I'm sorry that your daughter's behaviour is having such an impact on your mental health. My dd (birth child) is on the autistic spectrum and her very difficult behaviour has been hard over the years. She is now under CAMHS and things are slightly better.

Our son has been with us almost 6 years and in some ways he is so much easier than our birth daughter! We do have ongoing support with our son and it's been so helpful.

@poohsticks30 good luck, don't cancel. thanks

FairyBatman Thu 20-Feb-20 21:40:46

I suffered from anxiety after placement, it took a few moths for me to seek help, and I am glad I did. I’ve come off meds a year on and still have wobbles but nothing like as bad. The ADs really were a life raft at one point though. Please ask for some help x

mamoosh Fri 21-Feb-20 00:26:17

No fall out for asking for help. Asking for help can be a strength in itself. Anyway, you have the adoption order now. I went on ADs 3 months after we got our boy. 3 years later I still take them because quite honestly they keep me steadier than I ever was before. Had some counselling on the ASF also. Do ask for help. I am happier and wiser for it.

Mousey74 Tue 25-Feb-20 20:35:23

This has really helped me today so thanks all! LO has been here for three weeks and OH went back to work yesterday. Never felt so isolated as today...think this is worse as SW has pretty much banned outside contact for a couple of weeks. Knew it would be hard but did not expect quite the emotional rollercoaster!

FairyBatman Fri 28-Feb-20 09:36:07

@Mousey74 I’m not going to lie, we completely ignored that. I would have gone mad! We didn’t let anyone else do any ‘caring’ but we went out and about.

ifchocolatewerecelery Fri 28-Feb-20 10:11:26

@Mousey74 We were never told to do this and I would've ignored it if I had been. Once hubby went back to work I started visiting both sets of grandparents weekly, sometimes twice weekly for my parents. Anything involving her care I did but she needed to get to know them because they are the ones who would be looking after her in an emergency.

Mousey74 Fri 28-Feb-20 11:59:52

@fairybatman & @ifchocolatewerecelery thanks both x Grandparents came round yesterday and LO's SW has conceded we could try a baby group next week if I wanted to. Think there may be light at the end of the tunnel!

Ted27 Fri 28-Feb-20 12:11:50

You can take funneling too far in my view. If you are worried about what the SW might say, there is no need to mention it.
As a single adopter there is no way I could have isolated myself. My son met some friends after 3 days and grandparents after 2 weeks as they don't live locally. We went swimming, to the park, I spent quite a bit of time in coffee shops. It's difficult at the moment because of the weather but try and get out. You"ll feel better even if you aren't with people

defaultusername Fri 28-Feb-20 12:11:51

Poohsticks, don't cancel. And don't be afraid of taking some medication to help if needed. You're doing such an important job, take all the help you need. Even if SS did get involved, seeking help when needed is never viewed as a bad thing, denying a problem, or not engaging with help is the bad thing. PAD is real, and SWs know that.

Mousey, the early days are so hard, do what you need to do to stay sane.

Mousey74 Fri 28-Feb-20 22:12:30

@Ted27 the weather definitely hasn't helped much but intend to spend a lot of time in local coffee shop now!

ifchocolatewerecelery Fri 28-Feb-20 22:55:59

I used to go supermarket shopping several times a week. It was winter and the weather was bad. We'd test the toys and sing nursery rhymes as I pushed her round in the trolley. For some reason I find it much easier to play and interact with my LO when we're out and about.

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