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Didn't get matched - feeling very sad

(15 Posts)
user1479136681 Mon 09-Dec-19 16:43:08

The first child we expressed an interest in and we felt very strongly about him, we started thinking about middle names and imagining our lives with him. Found out last week we didn't get matched. I didn't expect to feel this heartbroken (although that sounds silly now) people keep telling me 'there will be others' which is true, but not massively helpful.

Our SW told us it was a difficult decision and came down to finances. We are doing pretty well so even she was surprised. But we're young so there will always be more established people earning more than us. I just hope this doesn't keep coming back to us.

Just wondering firstly how you guys reacted to not being matched, it's hard not to get emotionally invested when you see a profile.

And also let's talk finances, how much do you have in savings? We had a lot but we've used half to redo the kitchen, which really needed doing before panel because it wasn't very safe or practical (the glass oven hood shattered all over me and that's when we decided to renovate!) We had over £10k and now we have £6.5k. I feel like that is a lot of money so now I'm panicking that it's actually not?!

OP’s posts: |
Ted27 Mon 09-Dec-19 17:09:49

It's very hard not to get invested in a child. I was turned down for two children, I think you just have to give yourself time to lick your wounds, pick yourself up and start again.
I'm surprised they said finances as in income, I had nowhere near that amount of savings. Was it more to do with financing adoption leave.
You know sometimes there isn't a reason, sometimes one family just feels a better fit, and they have to come up with a reason.

I was told by one family finder that they didn't think I could provide opportunities for the child to make friends - because of course in my city of 400,000 people there are no children, no schools, no playgroups.
Matching is the hardest part I think

startoftheworld Mon 09-Dec-19 18:21:51

It's really hard. I nearly matched with a little boy who I met at an event, but they chose the other couple over me. It came down to a ridiculous reason that had no bearing on how either of us would parent, but they had to make a decision somewhere. Not long after that I was in the running for another child and then I matched!

Each child is different and the matching criteria will be different. You'll be stronger than other couples in so many other areas (in energy especially if you're young!).

I'll never forget the children I've said no to, and nor will I forget the little boy I nearly matched with. But I'm so excited about introductions now, I can't imagine any other child as my child! Hang in there, it will happen.

ifchocolatewerecelery Mon 09-Dec-19 19:20:14

They have to give a reason and the reason they give has to be one that they can justify. Our first link failed after the initial meeting and the reason they gave was that they didn't think I'd cope. The reality was that they'd made up their mind even before they'd walked through the door. In hindsight they were clearly just going through the motions.

It's hard and the one thing we took away from it was to insist that the SW for our next potential link gave us an answer within 24 hours of the meeting. For the first link we were left hanging for 4 days over a weekend which was not nice.

DashOfMagic Mon 09-Dec-19 19:35:38

Oh really sorry to hear that @user1479136681. During the assessment process we had access to link maker but couldn’t express interest until we were approved. We had 2 LOs profiles we had fallen head over heels for, we went on every day to look at their photos and read about them. When the day of approval finally arrived we went to express interest in them - one had disappeared (I do know that’s good but it felt sad) and from the other we got a swift reply saying they had “read our information but there are stronger couples available”. Ouch.

Throughout matching I got completely invested in any child we expressed an interest in. It hurts but I think it’s no bad thing to be dedicated to a little one who may end up being your child. We had other rejections along the way and overall found matching so, so hard.

Don’t worry about reading into or learning from one rejection at this early stage. It’s unlikely to be a reflection on you, there may be lots of interest in a child so there’s loads of adopters to choose from who are probably all near equal.

We had the same amount of savings as you and no one ever even mentioned it or seemed interested in how we’d manage financially at all. I agree with others, they probably just needed something to tell you why the other adopters were picked instead of you.

Chin up, you’ll get there x

Rocsand03 Mon 09-Dec-19 19:39:35

Hi, sorry you didn’t get matched this time. I know the feeling, we were potentially matched with a wee boy a while ago but in the end it was us who sadly had to say no because we knew he had some disabilities but I too am disabled and we had to obviously consider how it would all work. We decided in the end we just weren’t right for him and I to this day still feel so heartbroken I had to turn down a child. I pray he found his forever family. We did however go on a year or two later to adopt a gorgeous boy who was a few years older than we actually originally intended but it was absolutely the right decision for all of us. Lease don’t give up, I know it is hard right now but keep going and you will find your little one will be out there waiting. Good luck xx

JohnPA Mon 09-Dec-19 20:41:55

When we first got approved as prospective adopters we also found two brothers via linkmaker whom we were convinced we're going to be our sons. They were the first children we expressed interest in. We had a home visit by their social worker and even met the key people in their lives (teachers, foster carers, etc.). We built a narrative in our heads that these kids were the ones and we were fully invested in them emotionally. However, at the end things didn’t work out and it was decided that they were going to be placed with family friends. We were heartbroken and couldn’t help to feel sad. However, there was a little voice in our heads that said that we shouldn’t despair and that we would find the ones for us. A couple of weeks after that we found our sons! And it took just around 3 months for them to move in with us so it was quite quick. Looking back I can clearly see that we had romanticised the whole situation, which is easy to do when you just been approved. However, we can clearly see how life has brought us together as a family. So my tip for you is, trust life! Feelings can be deceiving. Just have faith that soon you will find your perfect match. And when you do you will see how everything will fall easily into place as if it was meant to be! smile

Regarding finances, we provided our finances and salaries while being assessed as prospective adopters, but weren’t really asked about it during the matching stage. I think the information we provided was included in the matching report, but we were never questioned about our finances. When we adopted we had just bought a house so we had £0 savings. However, we both have above average salaries.

Italiangreyhound Mon 09-Dec-19 23:47:41

It' always hard. try not to be too invested. I hope a new match will be along soon, I know you say it doesn't help but i think it is good to think of it that way, really.

thanks

jellycatspyjamas Tue 10-Dec-19 09:23:30

The first child we expressed an interest in and we felt very strongly about him, we started thinking about middle names and imagining our lives with him. Found out last week we didn't get matched

How far along the process were you? Had you gone any further than expressing an interest, which is the very early first stage? In my experience there’s a linking process which sits between expressing an interest and being matched which is when you and the placing LA agree that all things being equal you’re going to work towards being matched with a particular child. If there were concerns about finances I’d have expected them to be raised at linking.

If you’ve expressed an interest and been told “no”, I’m very gently going to suggest you need to grow a thicker skin. Expressing an interest is just that - a maybe - we expressed an interest in 5 sets of siblings before being matched with our two, that level of emotional investment in each one would have driven us crazy. While approval feels like a huge milestone, and it is, you’ve still got a long way to go before bringing your child home.

In terms of finances I’d go back and ask what part they’re concerned about - your ability to take a year off work/cover adoption leave, your ongoing financial stability or was it something specific to this child (eg that current experience suggests the child will need full time care and you need to go back to work at some point).

Please don’t despair, I found this part of the process so hard, try to keep a bit back until you’re firmly into the formal matching process.

user1479136681 Tue 10-Dec-19 11:45:25

Thanks for your replies, it's good to hear from others who have been through it and your experiences. I hope your adoptions go well smile

I know it's very common and I need to grow a thicker skin haha - I have learned a lot about myself just from this first expression of interest. I didn't realise how desperate I was in a way, I thought I'd be cool with waiting but I'm finding all the waiting quite hard! It's easier now that I know more of what to expect.

We're hoping to see more profiles this week. Our panel is in Jan so at least the feedback has helped us and our SW make our PAR as strong as it can be.

Money wise I earn 20k (I'll be taking leave) and my wife earns 27k, she's expecting to be promoted in the new year so that will help. Our mortgage is £500 a month so us and our SW didn't expect finances to be an issue. But I suppose it also depends who you're up against!

OP’s posts: |
jellycatspyjamas Tue 10-Dec-19 13:41:57

Which panel is in January? Have you been approved yet?

jellycatspyjamas Tue 10-Dec-19 13:44:15

Sorry, I ask because the reality is you can’t be matched until you’re approved and in my experience children will always be linked with approved adopters over those who are awaiting panel.

Thepinklady77 Tue 10-Dec-19 17:31:14

I think in your case it may have come down to what the other person/people had! Our two siblings came to us after a disruption. What they had learnt through that placement was that the children were likely to need a full time stay at home parent for way longer than the year. We were in the financial position to go down to one salary for the foreseeable (forever if necessary). We also were able to allow my husband to take unpaid leave for two to three months at the beginning of placement to allow two of us to be caring together! This is what sold us to sw!

UnderTheNameOfSanders Tue 10-Dec-19 20:01:34

We had I think 4 near misses before our match over the course of a year.
1) we said yes, but over the weekend decided not right for us so rang Monday and said no
2) a family member came forward and unexpectedly was approved
3) & 4) the 'other couple' was chosen
After that our SW said she wouldn't let us be seen unless we were the #1 choice couple as it was just all too much.

3 months later our DDs came along smile

Jannt86 Mon 16-Dec-19 07:46:11

We were put forward just before approval for a match with boy/girl twins. I too built my hopes up and started googling gender neutral nurseries etc. It was gut wrenching when a few days later we were told they were going elsewhere. However just a few weeks later we were matched with our perfect baby girl. She's an utter delight, bright as a button, wicked sense of humour, beautiful and I don't know how she manages that because she looks just like me grin Honestly she IS our daughter, we couldn't have asked for a more perfect match and things happened for a reason. Your perfect match is out there too. Just keep pn going and you will find them xx

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