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A little worried about feeling detached..(15 Posts)
My husband and I are 12 weeks into placement DC are 3 and 24 months they are both doing amazing and have settled well. SW from both sides agree that they have bonded with us and we have with them.
Although the placement is going well I have found it very overwhelming and stressful at times.
my main worry is that some days I just feel disconnected from them and from the whole situation of being a mother.. this normally follows a tough day. So for example yesterday they were both playing up a bit, nothing bad just normal toddler behaviour, but it lasted all day everything was a battle from eating to putting toys away to what colour top to wear. I was exhausted by their bedtime and today I feel very detached from them, and am very drained.
We normally play all morning together (painting,drawing,crafts ect) or we go out untill DC goes to school in the pm for a few hours, once home we play for a bit more dinner,bath and bed with story. But this morning I've just been sat watching t.v with them whilst they have been playing together and watching cartoons. I know this is wrong of me and I'm feeling very guilty, I just didn't have the energy to start anything productive with them. Ive had the odd day like this and I'm worried that I'm not bonding with them as I should be.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal to have days like this? I'm feeling very alone at the moment and a bit worried I'm getting this parenting stuff all wrong.
We’re also 12 weeks in with AS1, we also have AD3. I have periods of feeling like this and am today, I’m shattered for some reason. Your not alone xx
I’m not an adoptive parent but just wanted to say I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job. I have three of my own kids and am quite a bit the same. Have a rough day one day is tiring, and often with kids that age relentless. The odd day of letting the children play together and watch a bit of tv for the morning isn’t going to be a problem. The emotional roller coaster for you in the last 12 weeks must have been massive - cut yourself some slack!
We went from zero to 2 through adoption, I didn't know which way was up for the first 3 months. I remember regularly ringing DH up to say 'please come home from work promptly/early'.
After the first 3 months things did start getting easier.
Your 2 are younger than mine were and so probably higher attention need. Don't feel guilty about TV time, a bit of chill out time won't hurt anyone!
I know this is wrong of me and I'm feeling very guilty,
What makes you think it’s wting? You can’t give anyone 100% of your attention 100% of the time. Of course you’re exhausted, it’s very hard work and I can understand coming off the back of a tough day feeling a bit worn out. Having down time while they play together is perfectly fine - you need some space for yourself.
No birth parent can keep up that level of attention. Most of us are muddling through parenting . Some days you have time and energy and love in your heart and some days you just don't. What you have described is normal life. You can not be a super parent just because you adopted them. Stop judging yourself so harshly. You are doing a grand job
Do you have any suitable playgroups you can go to?
They were a lifesaver for me sometimes with AD2 before she got to more mornings at nursery.
If you are managing to play with them all morning you are doing great! Don't feel bad about chilling out infront of the telly, stick them both on your lap and it's bonding time! Or just take the time to relax. I think learning to take some guilt free time to recharge my batteries has been the most important thing I've learned, two years in. Ps cbb's Sarah and Duck is very whimsical and restful...
Big Thanks to you all for the messages.. I think I just get a bit overwhelmed with it all some days and feel I'm doing it all wrong! Each day at a time and all that.
I did actually like Sarah and duck today hahah along with hey duggee!
I must be the worst adoptive parent in the world - CBeebies was our saviour in the early days! Little one has wall to wall tv in foster care - including dvds in place of bedtime story.
No way were we messing with that alongside everything else in the first year!
Do what you need to do for the sake of your sanity. No guilt - there's enough emotion flying about in adoption without piling it onto yourself needlessly.
Do your best, it's all you can do.
Ps, we're almost five years in now and the wee one watches an appropriate amount of tv interspersed with homework, playing and activities - it's all good.
Don't worry and stop being so hard on yourself.
@Pidge40 you are doing an amazing job.
"I know this is wrong of me and I'm feeling very guilty," Not wrong, don't feel guilty. you are doing brilliantly.
Nothing wrong with a cartoon morning. In fact I credit Songs aimed at toddlers on YouTube for my AD3's ability to use thank you and sorry appropriately and she's definitely learnt her colours and the names of the more obscure shapes because of it.
Parenting is hard work and no one expects you to entertain them all the time.
I find that I detach too sometimes and I think it's a coping mechanism so I can parent without shouting when I'm tired.
If it helps we are 4 months into a placement with a 20 month and 9 month old and I feel exactly the same
Things have got easier but I do find myself zoning out, watching tv etc while they are playing so that I get a rest as the want constant attention. I feel so guilty every time I do this bit I feel I need the respite- especially while they are so young. I live for nap times! If you want to chat then here for you! X
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