Birthday and Xmas

[teekay88]

Hey everyone.

I've been offline for a while but happy to say we are matched with a 13m baby boy who we start introductions with in early November.

I'm looking for advice on how best to manage his first birthday abd Xmas.

Sadly his first bday is a few weeks before introductions and just before matching panel. We've met his foster parents and they are super lovely and have suggested ways we can still make some nice photos for his life book by picking him an outfit which they are going to put him in for his bday take photos with a character associated with his nursery that they are going to use as a character to signify us as his new mummy and daddy. They are going to hold a little party for him their end and take some photos. On the day partner and I are planning to have a little bday cake for him buy him a card and maybe put some silly little decs around that we can take photos of to go in his life book which will be merged with the ones from his foster party.

My question is whether there is anything we can do to mark his bday when he arrives home? We appreciate that at 13ms his understanding of his bday will be non-existent but more for memory purposes for his later life. We are conscious our focus when he first comes home will be settling him in n bonding so have no plans to have a big family affair. Just wondered about any little rituals anyone else may have done in similar situation?

Xmas is also only going to be 6 weeks away when he comes home and I'm midnful that we will need to build up gradually to our family Xmas and have some contingency to help manage things. We plan atm to spend day with family but for a shorter burst of time and to play it by ear depending on how he copes. He is apparently a very sociable little boy who is used to and likes a busy home environment but nevertheless we understand everything and everyone will be new to him. Any advice on how to a)mark his first Xmas with us in a subtle but special way and b) manage interactions with family at Xmas given how new he'll be

Many thanks xxx

[Thepinklady77]

I think why you suggest for the birthday is lovely and have nothing to add there.

I really would urge you to pull right back on your Christmas plans. When you say spending the day with family, how many? 6 weeks in is very earlier to expose him to a large family gathering with lots of sensory input. Whilst he is used to be being in a busy house it does not mean it is necessarily best for him to continue in that mode for a while. On the surface he may well appear to cope with it but you may see the fall out afterwards.

Whilst I am not the biggest advocate of extreme funnelling I think it is important that for the first three months or so you and your partner are the only caregivers (by that I mean cuddling, changing nappies, providing food etc), the child needs to learn that you are the adults who will continually meet their needs. Will you be able to control that in a busy Christmas Day house? I imagine everyone will be very excited to meet him and there is a danger he could end up being passed around and you have little control over that. Consider not eating with the family but maybe drop in for an hour when everyone has eaten and is much more subdue (sleeping through the queens speech). Warn family in advance of your expectations of what they can and cannot do for little one.

Overall plan a very quiet family christmas with the three (or more if there are other children in the house) bonding as a family unit. There will be plenty of time for family exciting Christmases in the future.

[Haffdonga]

Congratulations on your new family

It's tricky timing for you all with Christmas coming so soon after his birthday and coming home to you. Your ds will still be very much in 'survival mode' (perhaps acting happy but masking terror). In future years he may well subconsciously associate 'Christmas-ness' (the lights, the tree, the smells and sounds, the presents etc) with the memory of being scared and feeling abandoned. You'll still be getting to know each other without introducing an extra level of excitement. The lower key you play things this year the more likely you will reap rewards of Christmas being a lovely special family time in the future.

Will your families understand if you ask them not to come round for the day itself but perhaps pop by in smaller ones or twos spread over the whole season? Could you spread presents out so there isn't an enormous pile on one day and perhaps ask for things not to be wrapped up so you can produce things bit by bit? Could you minimise decs this year and keep it to a token tree so the house doesn't seem very different from his first visits? Treat yourselves to a quiet day of cuddling on the sofa watching the Sound of Music and plan your own new family traditions for years to come.

[Sillyshell]

Hi. I'm another one who thinks you should plan for a quieter Xmas.

Our daughter was older than your child when she came to us, she was 2.5 and was home about 4 weeks before Xmas and honestly it was an awful day

We and our families went overboard on presents and decorations and she couldn't deal with it all. It was just the 3 of us but even that was too much, didn't help that everyone was so excited for us and built it up that we finally had our baby and how magical it would all be and the reality was a scared and confused little girl

The good news is that last year was so different and a lot more Christmassy

[Ted27]

Congratulations on your new son

Afraid another one who thinks you need to scale back and lower expectations around Christmas. I'm not by any means an advocate of extreme funneling but 6 weeks is no time to build up to anything.
Don't forget the impact on you, it will still be very early days for all of you. You would be far better off planning a quite day at home, Christmas will mean nothing to him, but expectations from your family could be quite high. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

I get that you want to mark his birthday, I really do as we were in the same position but honestly don't make a big fuss. He'll be scared and grieving when he moves in with you, desperately missing his foster family. His birthday will have been and gone and he will have celebrated it with them. Just concentrate on getting through those first few weeks and developing a strong and consistent routine for him.

Instead why not get a card you can personalise with your photo and a recorded birthday message to be given as a familiarisation object before introductions start? Our LO loved the photos and recorded messages we did for her and still regularly listens to them now 2 years later.

We did lots of things I really wish we hadn't when our LO came home the same age, including a visit with Santa. She seemed pretty neutral at the time but the following Christmas she hated him, wouldn't go near him. The one thing She did enjoy was going round the garden centres when it's quiet and looking at the displays of Christmas lights.

[gabsdot]

Forget about doing anything for his birthday. Just concentrate on getting settled.
I would suggest a quiet Christmas but do start some traditions of your own. I'd skip the visit to santa. Most babies don't like santa anyway. I'd probably stay at home and invite people for short visits. Discourage enthusiastic grandparents from buying loads of presents. Clothes, books, and a few specifically requested toys are what you want.
Congratulations. We brought our first son home in the August and our first Christmas together was very special.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I’d echo nit planning for his birthday - it’s an important (but very hard) part of his life story that he was in foster care for his birthday. I’d let them do whatever they plan to for his birthday and give you photos etc - the reality is you won’t be part of his life then, it could be incredibly confusing for him later on to see photos of him in outfits you gave home or with things he associates with you before he was actually placed with you. I’d keep his life story as clean and clear as possible and avoid creating false memories. It will really help him build a chronological account of his early years not to have that time confused.

I’d also keep Christmas small and tight - this time will be associated with transition for him, young as he is. I’d be keeping him very close to home, monitoring the amount of gifts and excitement and making sure there’s nothing planned that you can’t move or cancel at a seconds notice, or that you can’t leave immediately if you need to.

It’s hard because there’s all these milestones and celebrations you’ve been longing to have but so very early in placement it’s wise to be as low key as possible. The other thing is that 6 weeks in you’ll likely be knackered, and unsure of yourself and stressed (see all the newly placed threads), don’t put any pressure on yourself when you really don’t know how you’ll be.

You’ve got your whole lives to do all the birthdays and all the Christmases, the way you cope with this transition will help your little one cope with those future times.

[121Sarah121]

Congratulations on your family!

Although nice to mark your sons birthday, I’d beware of making it too bittersweet for yourselves. He isn’t home yet and his foster Carers will be the ones singing happy birthday to him. It is so beautiful you want to mark this occasion and it is so Thoughtful.

In regards to Christmas I’d echo make it small. My son joined my family last October aged 3 and also have a birth child aged 5. We had a visit from grandparents only on the day but made sure this wasn’t the first meeting (I think we arranged 2 or 3 prior to the big day) so that they were familiar faces. It was a great day and we all enjoyed our time together.

The rest of the Christmas holidays were awful. He struggled everyday through his loss and grief and almost every day one parent had to stay home with him as just leaving the house was too stressful for him. I think he only went out once during the whole two weeks apart from walks on the community. Not the Christmas we had expected as a family of 4. My point being keep things small and enjoy your time together :)

[teekay88]

Hi everybody sorry manic weekend coming up but wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful advice. It certainly mirrors my own thinking and has given me food for thought in my plans to keep things small and focused. As you say there are plenty of years ahead for bug celebrations and as in my original post the idea was to find subtle ways to quietly mark both with no intention of having a large or overwhelming celebration so it's reassured me I'm thinking along the right lines. Appreciate you taking the time to comment

Xxx

[Italiangreyhound]

teekay88 I agree with others. Scale back on Christmas.

I think it is fine to send an outfit for him to wear on his birthday, something nice you will know you sent if that has already been arranged but I'd stop at that.

I'd not decorate your home or merge pictures etc. The reality is that he will not have met you by the time he has his birthday and in the future you do need (IMHO) to be completely honest about all parts of his life (in an age appropriate way).

So agree with Jelly that you need to avoid creating any false memories. Even if the idea is done from loving motives, he will need to know, when older, how and when things happened and you want to be able to really clear about it all.

The good news is there will be masses of birthday and Christmas celebrations and by the time he is really old enough to understand what the situation is, he will have been with you for almost a year.

Nothing else really to add except ....... Congratulations.

[DashOfMagic]

Hi @teekay88 - congratulations! We have our newly placed LO with us who celebrated her 1st birthday the week after she moved in. Before she was placed I was so excited that she’d be home in time to be celebrating this with us. However actually the day passed very uneventfully. We were still just getting through each day. It was too early to do anything outside of the routine we are working on getting her in, she was still wary of going out so we didn’t go anywhere, we hadn’t introduced anyone so no visitors. Also she had the right arse all day as she was cutting a tooth and overwhelmed with all the change! We didn’t really mark the day except by giving her wrapped presents, and she didn’t really pay the blindest bit of attention until they were opened!

I think the things you have planned sound like nice ideas so your little boy knows in future you were thinking of him on his special first birthday. Don’t worry too much that you missed it though, 1st birthdays aren’t a big deal to the kids. We are going to keep all the cards ppl sent and a note from us about the day to show her in future.

Christmas - I’ve been reading everyones tips with interest as we will have our first Christmas this year too. One thing I would say is that actually we have found all family have been very understanding about the need to take time, keep visits short/casual and not be too familiar with LO. I don’t think they’d dream of attempting a cuddle/passing around. I think if family get this and your boy is ok with some familiar people after 6weeks you may be able to do some low key, Christmas themed visits if you don’t push it. And it sounds like you’re planning carefully. Congrats again, keep in touch with how it’s going x