Adopting toe in water

[Fridakahlofan]

Hello, I have a one year old and would like a second child one day but am in no rush and know there needs to be a big gap.

I am vaguely considering adoption because I think it would be helpful to society and the planet. How do I decide if it is right for my family and work out if I am up to the job? Obviously I know absolutely nothing and hope that such an ignorant post isn’t too tiresome! Is there a good book to get me started? I’m more interested in the big picture - how to decide if this is something I should one day pursue - than the practicalities.

I’ve just read a whole load of the active threads on this adoption board and think you are all very inspiring - and am getting the smallest flavour of how hard it is.

[TigerQuoll]

Have a look at adoptionukforum.org for lots more reading from the horse's mouth

[Fridakahlofan]

@tigerquoll thank you will have a look!

[Italiangreyhound]

Fridakahlofan closer to the time you can go to an information evening.

Adoption is great but it's not for everyone.

I'm personally speaking not sure that the altruistic side is a very good reason, unless you are going to adopt a harder to place child.

Also factoring in the needs of the planet for choosing not to have another birth child is perhaps not really helpful for you IMHO.

Lots of uncertainty with adoption and although noble reasons are good you do need to know for sure you are willing to take on the uncertainties.

Especially if you are forgoing having abother birth child to do it.

However, if these reasons are good for you then factor in at least a 2-3 year age gap and talk to your local services. Are you pare ting alone? If not what dies dh/dp think?

[Fridakahlofan]

Thank you for the reply italiangreyhoud - these are exactly the sort of questions I just don’t know how to get my head round. I want and need to be given a hard time about this!

I feel like I need to sit with some sort of counsellor for a long long time and get my head straight. There must be people who specialise?

Weirdly I have always been interested in adopting since I was a teenager - for no obvious reason as I didn’t grow up with anyone adopted. It has just always been in the back of my mind.

You are right - I don’t know if altruistic reasons are the right reasons or good enough. But they are the only reasons I have! I have a lovely home and family and would love to help a child who needs that.

I feel like I am a strong person and would make this my life’s work.

I have no reason to believe I would have any problem conceiving a second child naturally though (I appreciate how lucky I am).

What I want is to research this thoroughly and think deeply about it so that I can decide next steps. If that means walking away and going on to have a second child naturally then so be it.

I just don’t know how to come to a firm conclusion. Perhaps speaking to a counsellor is the next step? If I am happy to pay is there anyone you lot recommend?

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Fridakahlofan]

And husband on board but feel like he needs to go through the same process as me. I will most likely be a SAHM if we were to go ahead.

[Gertruude]

I'd suggest reading some Sally Donovan books OP

[Allington]

Also 'The Boy who was raised as a dog' by Bruce Perry, excellent and readable about the effect of trauma on children, and how to respond therapeutically.

[Toddlerx2]

Hi OP,

Just wanted to share my limited opinion on the topic. I have adopted two children (siblings).
Similarly, I too knew at a young age that adoption was something I wanted to pursue when I was older. My husband and I never tried to have children biologically and to some extent chose adoption 'altruistically'; we believe there are enough children in the world already and many without parents. However, we had no interest in having biological children so can't comment on how that difference will impact you. My reason for posting is that I probably started with a similar thought process to you and for us it was the right path. In my opinion I would ask that you reflect on your desire to 'help a child that needs it'. I believe that adoption begins with our desire to have children and shouldn't be about helping. We are not saving children we are creating or extending our family. I disagree that you should have to take a difficult to place child because of your reason for adopting. My desire to have children was no less than any other adoptive mother despite my journey to this point. As someone that has never had birth children or hoped for it I don't have the 'what if' questions that I have heard from other adopters, if the uncertainty is too great or if you believe that you might wonder what if you had made other choices (another birth child) then adoption might not be for you. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done and I also know how lucky I am with my children. It is also amazing and brilliant and all those other adjectives but there are dark, isolating days that might make you question if 'helping a child in need' is enough.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

I think the point re a harder to place child, is that if you are trying to 'help a child that needs it', the harder to place are the ones who need it.
Easy to place children will find adoptive homes.
Harder to place may otherwise end up in long term foster care.

[Italiangreyhound]

@Fridakahlofan hi, I didn't see your reply.

There is nothing wrong with being altruistic, at all, but I also think there are loads of reasons for having kids.

[Italiangreyhound]

My own situation is that I thought a lot about adoption, I went to an orphanage in Romania in my 20s, and watched documentaries about adoption from abroad.

I had fertility treatment and had a child.

When we had trouble conceiving a second time I thought about adopting from China (I had travelled in Asia and studied Mandarin). However, the cost was too high and the waiting list too long. I would have 'aged-out' before I reached the top.

We had a lot of fertility treatment. But after many years I was in the right place for adoption and we went for domestic adoption in England where we live. Our gorgeous son was three when he came to us and is now nine.

I agree with Sanders, if your interest is in altruistic adoption then taking a harder to place child is great, but if you want to adopt a less difficult to place child I'd 100% understand too.

We chose a less hard to place child because we had to consider dd (who was 9 when ds came) and you too have a child so will need to consider him/her.

Anyway, at the end of the day there are a lot of reasons why people may have children and how they may have them.

[Italiangreyhound]

You would need to pay for a counselor but if you can afford it then it may help you to work out what is right for you. Just make sure they have experience with the issues/areas you need. A fertility clinic which does treatment with donor eggs might be a place to look for referrals because those hvaing treatment with donor eggs (as we did) need to have counselor to explore issues around having a child who is not genetically related to you

Adoption in the UK finds parents for children (not children for parents) so adopting any child and giving them a lovely life is wonderful.

Toddlerx2 lovely especially that your children were able to stay together.

[Italiangreyhound]

Our three cycles of donor egg treatment didn't work. I don't regret that now because if it had, we would not have adopted ds!

[Fridakahlofan]

Thank you so so much for all of your advice. Pondering it all gratefully.

[cygnus1000]

I'm the same. Would want to make a difference to a child's life, either through adoption or fostering or both. I'm not considering it right now, but reading about this stuff early is giving me time to reflect on it. I only worry that I wouldn't be able to handle challenging behaviour, but I'm good at understanding the root causes of behaviour which would help with that, and I know with practice and time, I might be fine. I've read some stories which have scared me, but I also keep in my that those stories can be dramatised for publishing purposes, and that those people themselves might have been parenting in negative ways. Anyone else experience these fears before adopting or fostering?

[Ted27]

@cygnus1000 I am nearly 8 years on the clock as an adopter and was on forums for three years or so before that.
In my experience worry and fear about adopting is absolutelt normal, its a huge thing you are contemplating - who woudn't be scared at the prospect.
Its what you do with that worry and fear to turn it into knowledge, understanding and a realistic approach, to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.
Its the people who gush about their little princesses and princes who become unstuck very quickly I think.
Some adopters do have the most horrendous experiences, others like me have a more up and down experience. We have had great highs and lows, we are probably in steady state now - GCSEs and general teenage angst apart !!
Its the gamble you take with adoption. It will probably be the most challenging thing you will ever do, but also probably the most rewarding.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to make a difference to a child's life. I certainly wanted to but above all I just wanted to be a mum. And despite all the challenges thats really just what I am - a mum whose son happens to be adopted, albeit very knackered and somewhat frayed round the edges !