Talk

Advanced search

How many children and what ages???

(13 Posts)
selly24 Wed 21-Aug-19 21:01:08

As in title; There is a question on our ROI form asking this. We have 2 spare rooms and are -at this early stage- open to 1 or 2 children ( or possibly more if sharing room isn’t an issue for some children ). We feel able to consider all age groups 0-10yrs, aren’t set on boys, girls/ sibling grouping, just need to be comfortable that we will be able to meet the needs of the child/ren.

At initial SW meeting she said we should narrow down our ideas of age groups - but finding this impossible as feel I‘d be closing the door to potential match without due reason...
Any guidance?? HELP!

OP’s posts: |
AgathaCroosty Wed 21-Aug-19 21:13:14

As you go through the adoption process more, you should be able to whittle it down a bit as you gain knowledge.

Finances was a big decision maker for us & a lot of people whom we "travelled" along the adoption process with.

donquixotedelamancha Wed 21-Aug-19 21:13:59

Any guidance?? HELP!

I felt similar difficulty narrowing criteria, though not age range to that extent. Two thoughts:

I found going to activity days very helpful. We went to two before approval- we actually met DD1 at the second.

Have you had your own kids? If not then I think many people would want the experience of younger children and would probably want as young as possible (say 0-5 for a sibling group). Personally I (with hindsight) am very glad to have experienced our kids growing up from babies.

See whether you can steal some little kids for the day (I'd throw my two at you for some peace). Then ask yourself how you feel about little ones. What do you visualise when you picture having kids?

wonderinglill Thu 22-Aug-19 08:53:28

Hiya. We were thinking the same thing when we were at this stage.
We initially were approved for siblings (2) under 5. We went with that because that's what we felt we could deal with. It's good to have a broad view to begin with.
Fast forward 7 weeks we had a possible link with siblings where something was not right. Found ourselves in a very bizarre situation that social worker hadnt experienced before and that fell through. Nothing was adding all. All info out of date so very difficult to make a decision. We changed our criteria to protect ourselves, didn't want the same thing happening again. We changed to just one and under 3, we wanted to walk before we run. Social worker said be kind to yourself. So much uncertainty with siblings. Yesterday we were told the link is a match and just waiting for matching panel. Moral of the story is at this stage you can only give what you feel you can handle. You can change your mind at any stage. We started out not wanting to put a limit so to speak on the ranges but it soon come down. Once approved you will be looking at actual profiles and it brings your situation to life. You start to question your choices and from experience I would say go with you gut. Best wishes 💐

Ted27 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:50:50

To be honest if you don't narrow things down a bit you could find yourself overwhelmed.

Some things to think about - its a very rare thing for a child of 9 or 10 to be adopted, not unheard of but very rare. My son was nearly 8 and pretty much in the last chance saloon as far as adoption was concerned. So you could bring down the top end of your age range.
Unless you are prepared to do foster to adopt, the chances of you finding a child under 1 are similarly remote. Again not unheard of but simply because of court processes to free a child for adoption, very young babies are not available. So you could higher the lower end of your age range.
Think very carefully about what kind of parenting experience you want. Its stating the obvious to say there is a huge difference between a one year old and an 8 year old but think about what that really means.

Do you want the chance to parent a baby, or are you really not bothered.

I'm not that interested in babies, and as a single person in her mid 40s I really didnt want go be doing nappies, potty training and teething on my own. An older child was absolutely right for me and I have no regrets. He needed a lot of nurturing and babying, I still got a lot of 'firsts' but his real childhood with me has been very short. He is 15, has a girlfriend, has a job, this time next year he will have left school. Me - I wish we had a few more Christmases when he believed in Father Christmas, a few more bucket and spade holidays, just a bit more time being a little boy than young man.
With an older child there is less uncertainty, I knew my son had autism and a learning difficulty, I knew exactly what I was taking on. With a younger child you don't know, many issues don't materialise until the children start school or nursery. For me that was important - how do you feel about that element of risk and uncertainty.

selly24 Fri 23-Aug-19 08:47:38

Thank you so much for your helpful responses. We have narrowed down our age range but with flexible ends if that makes sense. Huw baby children will depend on their needs/ how we can come, but the maximum would be 3 children of school age.

OP’s posts: |
selly24 Fri 23-Aug-19 08:48:08

How many ( not huw Baby!!)

OP’s posts: |
fasparent Mon 26-Aug-19 11:36:43

Be carful adopted 5 of a group of 8 , not easy , out come however were great all are true brothers and sisters all in touch with each other (now adult's) many have there own family's ., all 8., So can work out brilliant .
Good luck

jellycatspyjamas Tue 27-Aug-19 20:56:05

Moral of the story is at this stage you can only give what you feel you can handle

This, in great big giant sky writing, and please err on the side of caution. I adopted a sibling pair - I know with absolute certainty I couldn’t have adopted 3 at the same time. Even with children who have seemingly minimal needs their needs will pretty much constantly compete - it’s a survival mechanism from their birth family. If you adopt siblings there’s a good chance they will have clear memories from their birth family, or have trauma history which takes them “back there”. It’s hugely difficult and yes, narrowing your criteria may rule out some matches, but there’s no point in being matched and placed only for it to breakdown later on because you under estimated what the children might need and over estimated your capacity to meet those needs.

A good friend of mine said “don’t be a hero, make it as easy as you can on yourself, have children with the clearest history, the most predictable future because it’ll still be harder than anything you can imagine” and they and you deserve for it to stick”. I respectfully offer you the same advice.

Boohooyouho Sat 07-Sep-19 21:56:49

It late to the party but here my two penny’s. We adopted a sibling pair aged 33months and 23months and it was really tough. My friend who has twins said she didn’t envy us going straight into two toddlers in one go. We also adopted their sibling a year later so well and truly jumped in. It’s been the hardest 4 years of my life but I wouldn’t change the chaos for the world. We have been really lucky that no major problems have emerged so far, and the third child actually helped to make the bond between the older two a bit looser and in all likelihood more healthy.

Italiangreyhound Sat 07-Sep-19 22:38:14

Nothing to add but good luck. XXXX thanks

Yolande7 Tue 17-Sep-19 21:30:39

We were approved for two children aged 0-8 yrs. Our sw suggested we keep it broad, so we would not have to go back to panel in case we changed our mind. That was good advise.

We were certain we wanted two children and felt the age group 4-6 would work best for us. However, at some point we considered siblings aged 2 and 8. So I would keep it broad, but in your mind you can try to narrow it down. We found reading actual children's profiles very helpful. It didn't take long and we realised we were more interested in children over 4.

Mummyshark2018 Tue 17-Sep-19 21:58:36

Not looking to adopt but work with lots of adopted children.
I would ask yourself ideally what ages can you see fitting best into your life at this stage? How old are you? Do you like the idea of the baby/ toddler stage? Would you rather children that are in school? Would you rather adopt younger children with potential more unknowns or older kids where you know where they are in terms of learning/ development?

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in