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Adopting due to infertility after 1 BC

(8 Posts)
PiafPilaf Thu 01-Aug-19 00:26:32

Has anyone else been in this position? We’ve just had confirmed to us what I’ve long been suspecting - that our BC turns out to have been a bit of a miracle and our chances of conceiving again naturally are very very slim. We’ve been considering adoption for a while (I don’t want to go through IVF) and are doing all we can to find out about it. Some worries keep going through my mind though - namely, what effect it will have on our DD (5), and whether I’ll be able to love an adoptive child the same way. I know this sounds harsh but I’ve come to realise that part of the adoption process is being totally honest with yourself and with the SW. We know a fair amount about the issues kids can face, both being teachers and having had a shedload of safeguarding training plus worked with children with a variety of issues, but I’m not naive enough to think that this means it’ll be a walk in the park.

I keep reading everywhere that parenting an adopted child is not the same as parenting a biological child, but nobody ever elaborates on how it’s different. Our DD is desperate for a sibling, we are desperate for another child, but I keep flip-flopping between thinking how wonderful it might be if we can give a home to a child who’s had a rough start (I don’t mean we’re looking at this as some great philanthropic act, incidentally), and how amazing for there to be four of us, and worrying that it’d be a disaster and end up ruining both our DD’s and the adoptive child’s life. DH is not much help as he is very pragmatic and takes whatever life throws at him totally in his stride, so he’s confident it’d be fine either way.

OP’s posts: |
Ted27 Thu 01-Aug-19 05:11:22

www.slideshare.net/mobile/AdoptionUK/the-wall-53186287

Sorry I'm not very good at clicks links but the Adoption UK slideshow on the Wall is probably the clearest explanation of why adopted children are different to birth children.
You are absolutely right, not harsh at all about the need to be honest with yourself.
Adopting my son was the best thing I ever did with my life. He is a cracking young man and I am heart burstingly proud of everything he has achieved. I would still never 'recommend' to anyone that they should adopt. Because it's a hard path to follow and everyone should reach their own personal decision about whether it's right for them. Being honest with yourself is vital.

Jessica78 Thu 01-Aug-19 07:59:16

Hello, I'm also a teacher and have learnt ALOT throughout the process, we are now 5 months in to placement and it is just brilliant (not without its difficulties!)

It is different to a birth child, have you read any books yet? I would start with Sally Donovan books, then try to get a real grasp of therapeutic parenting.

Good luck!

Italiangreyhound Thu 01-Aug-19 08:40:28

When our birth daughter (born from IUI) was under 2 we were told I would not be able to have any more kids except with egg donation.

We were also told our daughter needed to be older for us to be allowed to adopt. For several years we waited then I cracked and insisted dh and I tried more treatment. The diagnosis was correct and treatment failed so we tried donor eggs. After about 6 years we stopped and begun the adoption process when dd was about 8.

Our son is 9 and has been with us over 5 years, since age 3.

It's not been easy and one feature for us is our dd is on the spectrum, is very hard work and has been quite jealous of her brother (despite being desperate for a sibling).

I can honestly say I love them equally.

@PiafPilaf I am happy to answer any questions if you use the @ and my name or if you pm me (otherwise I may not see your question).

Ps my husband is very similar, it sounds, to your husband and sometimes it infuriates me! flowers

FilthyforFirth Fri 02-Aug-19 15:16:45

DS is 2 and I had quite bad HG so we looked into adoption. We have just stopped the process following our second home visit. For us, our parenting would have to change to a therapeutic style that adopted children need and I wasn't keen on changing how we parent our son. I feel getting a new sibling would be upheaval enough.

I also wasnt wild about all the changes we would have to make to our house (a lot of them made literally no sense) and it got my back up a bit as it obviously works well for our son.

All in all it seems like adoption wasnt for us. If we didnt have our son I think I would have been more willing to jump through the hoops but the impact on him felt too great.

topcat2014 Sat 03-Aug-19 22:34:20

@FilthyforFirth - you never know, you might feel different in a few years time.

My DD is now 12, and we are mid intros for a primary school age child.

Italiangreyhound Sat 03-Aug-19 22:37:08

Hope it's going well*Topcat*.

FilthyforFirth Sun 04-Aug-19 06:20:23

I think I will to be honest @topcat2014. I have always wanted 3 so I think we have another biological child and then adopt an older child later on in life. I am still keen on adoption.

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