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Another child in nursery.

(10 Posts)
Stinkycatbreath Thu 11-Jul-19 07:26:58

Thanks Magpiesong she doesn't know he is adopted and while I am very proud of how my son came to us. I dont tell all and sundry. Oddly has has stopped biting as soon as it started. I just think that all children have silly behaviour phases and while I totally understand her wanting to protect her son. Competitive niceness doesn't do anyone any favours xx

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MagpieSong Thu 04-Jul-19 08:56:49

I do understand that the other mum would be upset, and that it can be tricky to navigate. I also understand how tricky it is when it happens somewhere like nursery, where you, as mum, aren't there to protect and comfort - so it is hard for the other mum.

However, I also know that it can be so hard when other parents respond like that regarding your child. My little one isn't adopted (I am), but I was ill when he was about 2-3. He had some traumatic moments with this as he saw me taken away in an ambulance among other things. I had got someone in who I was employing to take him to groups etc. as I couldn't do this and wanted continuity for him, so he didn't miss out. The person had a child a similar age to mine. Unfortunately, the person did not bond with my dc and he felt very insecure with them. He bit their child. I also treated this seriously and made it clear it was not acceptable behaviour and my little one explained he 'felt cross as he missed mummy'. However, this person waxed lyrical about how wonderful and kind their own child was and used to roll their eyes if I said that about my little one. It was very hurtful at the time, and I felt angry on behalf of my little one (despite empathising with the person's child etc) because he'd been through a lot and we were dealing with it. I saw it as highlighting for me that he'd felt insecure and sad/cross he wasn't with mum, just as you have seen it as highlighting the impact of your little one's trauma. With an adopted child, those feelings would be even more intense, so I completely understand where you're coming from. Those feelings are horrible.

Just wanted to share to say that you're not alone in those feelings and the other mum could have responded better. Be reassured, everyone has a day where their child does something tricky and this other mum is no exception - no matter what she says. So long as you love your son and think he's fab while recognising his trauma (which you've shown you do in this post), he is in a really good, safe and loving place, and it doesn't matter what the other mum thinks.

Stinkycatbreath Wed 26-Jun-19 20:47:00

stucknoue- I think your right about challenges from pre birth he suffered pre birth trauma from his birth father while in uterus. I has a big affect on development he was always on edge as a tiny baby (probably high cortisol levels) it was so sad. I definitely do think it still has impact he is still extremely reactive.

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Stinkycatbreath Wed 26-Jun-19 20:03:05

Iwannahug it was the other little boys mum that was laying on about her childs virtues which is fine but it was very much designed to put mine us in our place. I was a little more realistic saying that they all have times where they can be challenging hers included.
stucknoue- I totally see why she is angry definitely and I was upset too. I was apologising to reassure her that I am working on this. After my done had been bitten by another child a few weeks ago. I had thought it very brave of the mum to reassure me that she was working on it so I was trying to reassure the mum of the child mine bit too. Although I dont like biting or any form of violence. I work with children with all sorts of issues everyday so may be able to take behaviours that are not very positive in my stride a little more as they are something I see daily.
It is fine, I've seen her this morning all is well it's just not nice to have bad feeling.

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iwannahug Tue 25-Jun-19 09:03:23

Just focus on your own child and helping your child.

The other mother doesn't know what is causing the behaviours and so if you see it from her point of view, she may not think that it is entirely fair to expect her to have a lovely reassuring conversation with you. It is unlikely she is judging as much as you think she is, and it is likely that you will back on good chatting terms with her again some time in the future.

Don't be disappointed in your own child or worry needlessly, but do think about strategies for stopping the behaviour and focus on your dc's needs generally. Seeing you do that will reassure the staff and other mothers far more than you apologising or wanting to discuss your child's merits.

I do understand how you feel, and believe me you will feel it more than once over the next two decades.

stucknoue Mon 24-Jun-19 22:40:48

Whilst I understand that you are working on his biting, not all kids bite and if a child bit mine I would be angry too, especially if it's more than once. Your son may have extra challenges from his early life but to that mum her child is her universe so that's irrelevant.

Stinkycatbreath Mon 24-Jun-19 22:25:38

Thanks for your opinions people. I just wanted her to know that I know he can be a pest but so can they all. I totally understand why she was upset and we have always been on good terms to chat briefly which is why I mentioned something because she has been quite frosty and I'm really not out for an arguement. I am very disappointed In my sons behaviour and but he has been on the receiving end too. The parents of th other child were equally as mortified and apologised which I thought was kind and reassuring
I wanted to offer her the same but she sort of threw it back a little which just want cricket in my world. I'll move on and carry being nice. You are right just to let the nursery deal with it. Thank you for your help.

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iwannahug Mon 24-Jun-19 20:50:27

I think all parents go through this - both the awareness that their own angel isn't perfect and the outrage that someone is suggesting that they are worse than they really are.

DC1 used to have a small friend when they were 3 or so, who would throw balls in his face over and over until DC1 would eventually blow and thump them. The mother told someone else my DC1 was "a little hit-y with some big feelings" which wasn't an entirely accurate picture. What I did was to just focus on my dc and not care what other's commentary on my dc was.

And really the other mother should have been doing the same thing.

And that would be my recommendation to you!!

You will have many dramas ahead (and proud moments ahead as you help them learn new skills and overcome not so good tendencies) and if you always care so much about what other people think then it just distracts you from your own life and dc smile

TalkToMeee Mon 24-Jun-19 20:21:48

Argh, it is so hard when your child goes through these phases. I see both sides. When my daughter came home with massive scratches from a boy in her class, I felt the lioness within me completely rise up! It wasn't ok, nor should it be.
However, I have watched my daughter scream in her cousins faces and smack them and, similarly, that fills me with annoyance and disappointment.

She is pissed off your kid hurt hers. That's ok, anyone would be. Yes she could have just taken the apology with good grace but maybe you caught her on an off day. Don't apologise to her again, let the nursery deal with it thanks You and I both know that her little darling might be the next biter so try not to take it to heart wine

Stinkycatbreath Mon 24-Jun-19 19:22:07

We have had our little boy since three months old. He started nursery at 16 months old and all is well he is fine. He made friends with another little boy at nusray who is 2 days younger than him. Anyway they have had their share of spats but fairly standard stuff. My son has had a couple of phases of biting he is now three in September. We are working o n this and I take biting or any other form of violence very seriously. I was aware that he had bitten this child on two occasions the other week as my son told me who he had bitten. Last week I find that the other child has been moved to pre school to give them both some space which is fine and I fully support this decision by the manager. I made time this morning to apologise to the little boys mum and to assure her that I am working on his biting -he has already stopped. She proceeded to tell me that she was glad her son has been moved up, tell me how advanced he is, how affectionate and lovely. Which he is he is a lovely boy as is mine. She said it in such a way that my sons isn't and totally denying that her son has ever put a foot wrong. Truth is ALL children of their age have the capacity to be lovely and more challenging. I have seen her son give mine a shove or smack many times but didn't say anything. I just agreed that her son is lovely but you know what so is mine....on the whole. Should I have had a better response than this I really am not in the habit of competitive parenting. I have much bigger fish to fry.

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