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(10 Posts)
92Taylorel Sat 08-Jun-19 22:17:40

So me and my Husband have been ttc for just over 2 years now. We have had tests done and everything has come back fine. We've decided to give it a few more months of trying and if we have no luck then we are planning on looking into adoption as we feel IVF is not for us.
We have been looking into adoption and feel excited about it but the main thing that concerns me is the guilt I would feel . I know children get taken away from their birth parents for a reason but that would not stop me feeling so guilty for having their child. I cannot imagine the pain they would have to live with for the rest of their lives and this is something I would struggle with .
Have any adoptive parents struggled with this?

OP’s posts: |
Snazzygoldfish Sun 09-Jun-19 05:54:23

I don't feel guilty and feel strongly that adopters have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! We are at the end of the process and haven't been involved in any way in the reasons why our children are removed from their birth parents or the decision making processes of children's services of the courts.

I do feel a deep sadness at the loss involved by everyone involved in the adoption triangle, particularly my child, however this has contributed to the gratitude I have for having my son and helped me think kindly of his birth parents.

I have been on the recieving end of some pretty insensitive comments similar to what you are suggesting but have also more often been praised or admired as if adopting was some incredible selfless act. Neither of which are true. At the end of the day, I'm a mum like any other, parenting my child in the best way I know how, getting it right sometimes, and sometimes getting it wrong.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

topcat2014 Sun 09-Jun-19 08:12:29

My work colleague told me, at the start, when I had confused thoughts like this "that's not your shit" - and that is my watchword.

Now we are at the matching stage, with a specific child, it is much easier to be clear in your head than when thinking a bit abstract.

This child has had many years of very poor homelife, and needs a new start. We can provide that. We will remain empathetic to the Birth Parent's circumstances (after all, we find they too had some bad luck) but I am all about the life for this child from hereon.

Italiangreyhound Sun 09-Jun-19 09:47:59

Snazzygoldfish sums up my feelongs exactly.

If I were not parenting my son, he would not be returned to birth family. He would be with another adoptive family or perhaps even in foster care.

ifchocolatewerecelery Sun 09-Jun-19 14:24:52

I felt like this until hubby pointed out that if we didn't adopt our LO, someone else would because the reality was that she had a placement order for adoption before we even knew of her existence and she was less than a year old, white British and female therefore in the category most people would want to adopt. I still struggle on Mother's Day as LO was clearly much loved and wanted.

Ted27 Sun 09-Jun-19 14:56:22

My son's birth parents cause me to feel many emotions but guilt isn't one of them. I have great sympathy for them. They were young, homeless, jobless, overwhelmed by their own problems, my son was known to be at risk before he was even born. They had 7 years of missed opportunities, chances to turn things round, but they could never sustain anything beyond a few months.
Adoption has given my son a life they never could, safety, security , food on the table three times a day, education, a chance to break four generations of neglect and abuse. So no I don't feel guilty.
Don't forget that some birth parents have perpetrated the most heinous crimes on their children. I have friends whose children are lucky to be alive and who suffer horrendous mental health problems. My son was 'lucky' too, he was 'just' neglected. But when I look at the history of his first 4 years I can see what a narrow escape he had from drug dealers and dodgy boyfriends. He has seen some dark times but is in a good place now. But he will carry the emotional scars for the rest of his life. So no I don't feel guilty.
You are still trying to conceive, it's an emotional and difficult time for you. You are probably projecting some of that emotion.
If you do decide that adopt is for you, you will set off on another emotional journey.You will more than you really want to know about what happens to some children in our society. Your views and emotions will probably change.
For me it's not about not feeling guilty because if I hadn't adopted him someone else would. It's about him and his right to be safe and secure. They had their chance, they couldn't do it. So no I don't feel guilty.
Adoption is a hard road. It will challenge you. Don't be afraid to ask questions. We' all been there. Good luck with whatever you decide

92Taylorel Sun 09-Jun-19 19:39:50

Thank you for all the replies they really have helped. Obviously I know adoptive parents have absolutely no reason to feel any kind of guilt, this is just something that has been playing on my mind and was wondering about.
Thanks again.

OP’s posts: |
topcat2014 Sun 09-Jun-19 19:45:12

@92taylorel - I am sure most of us on this 'journey' will have thought the same.

After all, everyone knows the word "adoption" but no-one really thinks about it in the modern context (ie not "unmarried mothers") until they embark on the process.

Stinkycatbreath Wed 26-Jun-19 20:57:58

I find that I think of my sons birth mum often and feel compassion for her. I imagine how she must feel with five children in care however none of this is of my making or responsibility and I dont feel guilty. I feel totally grateful that she gave birth to a fabulous human being and wish her all the happiness in the world. It so hard OP but you will have a more realistic picture and feeling when you read a child's PAR. There are some things in them that are shocking.

darkriver19886 Thu 27-Jun-19 04:54:18

Hi OP,
I am a BP and I agree with all the comments. No reason to feel guilty at all. If my daughters hadn't been adopted by their current family then eventually a different family would be found.

Possibly it's BPs who should be having feelings of guilt. In my case, I have it in the bucketfuls.

Good luck on your journey.

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