Rejected by ADM

[poppet31]

We were unanimously approved at panel two weeks ago. Tonight we were visited by our social worker to tell us the ADM disagrees with the panel's recommendation. We are obviously devastated and wondering if this has ever happened before? I can't find any precedent online. She is going to come back to us in the next few days with exactly what the ADM disagrees with but apparently there are four areas in our PAR with gaps / inconsistencies. The panel and our second opinion social worker all thought our form and references were really strong so no one was expecting this :(

[topcat2014]

That is awful shitty for you. Whilst we didn't have that, we had the reverse. An inconclusive result on the day, followed by ADM approval later on.

Hopefully it will just be down to SW not having put the file together properly, and you can get resolved and apply again.

It's no fun, is it, particularly when you are always reading about "unanimous yes" pictures on the facebook groups.

Adoption is hard, imho, (in our case recently matched), and I won't believe anything is permanent until we finally get an adoption order further down the line.

I like the facebook groups, but sometimes they are too much jolity and not enough of the misery that lurks. For that, I find this board better.

[Ted27]

I'm so sorry Poppet, are they suggesting these are areas which could be addressed?
Don't give up, you are being tested to the limit but its not over

stay strong

[jingscrivenshelpmaboab]

We didn't get approved at first panel - inexperienced chair, SW was odd on the day, and we were told we didn't sell ourselves enough. It was a big shock, as everyone says you must be ready if SW is taking you to panel. SW manager came to see us, we got feedback from the panel and worked through it, went back to panel with another SW and sailed through.

Hiccups do occur, but as long as it's not an outright no there is still hope. Sound like the ADM want more i dotting and t crossing, and hopefully you can identify what hoops they want you to jump through. Stay strong, but don't underestimate the shock that you've had.

[Serenity45]

Poppet I'm so sorry to hear this. No experience of this I'm afraid and it seems very odd that there are 4 separate areas of your PAR that are a concern.

I think all you can do at this stage is wait for the detailed info (would have been helpful for them to have given you that straightaway but God forbid we don't go through delays all the bastarding time )and then address them ASAP.

Sending you positive vibes -this process is so bloody hard and it feels like adoptive parents are literally the bottom of the pile of anyone's concerns sometimes

[poppet31]

Thanks everyone. We will hopefully get more info today but apparently we will need to update our PAR and go back to panel (which just seems ridiculous considering they unanimously approved us so I don't see what would change there.) I think all the info they need is there - it maybe just wasn't as clear as it could've been and they need some dots joining up. Part of me just feels like giving up.

[NothingIsAvailable]

Hi,
This happened to a friend. They weren't happy with how in depth the report was. It was more the social workers error. Our social worker was extremely experienced and she could see the issues they would have so she made sure she addressed absolutely everything before the meeting.

My friend gave up,it was very sad. Wait and see what it says but it could be there are weaknesses in the report not you as people. Things that can be addressed and put right.

[poppet31]

We have now heard back from SW and we will have to go back to panel in 6 weeks time after further work and revisions to our PAR. We're back in limbo again after thinking we were approved and after telling everyone and starting to speak about potential matches. It's just gutting.

[Ted27]

OK try and take heart, its not a no, they want some revisions.

I was deferred at panel, my SW tried to persuade me not to go back, I persisted, I got there.

Do Not Give Up

[NothingIsAvailable]

Sounds like more paperwork needs to be done. Don't lose heart, it is a bastard of a process but hang in there!

[topcat2014]

@poppet31 - even though we were approved, we still had further 'work' to do before we could go to matching panel (which we are not yet at).

What was annoying was that the 'work' was really stuff that the SWs should have organised for us - it wasn't anything we could have done independently.

For example they wanted us to meet other adopters with birth children.

WHEN you get to the end of all this, not IF, you will actually forget the hassle.

Even though we are only recently matched, I have already forgotten the last year and a half.

[Moominmammaatsea]

@ Ted27, our paths have crossed (supportively so) here & at the other places. I find it astonishing that your original SW tried to persuade you to give up, especially as you strike me as one of the most evolved, together, nurturing and ‘successful’ adopters I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter online. You’re clearly a great and therapeutic Mum to your big boy.

@ OP, please heed Ted27’s advice, jump through the necessary hoops and then spend the rest of your life proving that ADM wrong. Adoption is a long game and you will get there, particularly if the panel approved you unanimously, otherwise it makes a mockery of the expertise of the panel of so-called experts.

Just wondering if your agency is expecting an imminent phone call to say Ofsted are on their way and your ADM is being extra conscientious about making sure all the paperwork ticks all the necessary boxes?

[poppet31]

Thanks everyone. We really do appreciate your support. Part of us wants to just walk away. Going to call adoption uk tomorrow for some advice. My worry is that we do this further work and it's still not enough. We've lost all faith in our agency now. Not sure we could cope with being rejected twice.

[Moominmammaatsea]

@poppet31, seriously, don’t walk away, now you’ve put in the hard yards. It’s ok to feel cheesed off and angry and be licking your wounds, but it reads to me like the ADM is more critical of the paperwork put together by your SW rather than personally critiquing you both as potential parents. If you pull out now with wounded pride, there may be no second chance for you.

Like I’ve written above, it’s astonishing that Ted27 was rejected first time around as she is a brilliant adoptive parent (I’m 11 years in so I know these things!)

You will need resilience in spades once you are successfully approved and matched and have your child/children placed with you. I have battled for 10 years to ensure my big girl, who is now going blind with a degenerative eye disorder, gets every last scrap of help she is entitled to from her school, the local authority and the government. She was born addicted to heroin and recently defied all the odds to win a place to a super-selective grammar school. Even though she’s a poster girl for success for children who’ve been in care, our local authority are - illegally - refusing to fund her home-to-school transport. So, another day, another appeal, another battle. This is the reality of life as an adoptive parent because you literally sink or swim by fighting for the help - often statutory help your child is entitled to by law - you need to stay afloat.

Consider what you’re currently experiencing as an introductory lesson in how resilient you will need to be to be the best possible adoptive parents you can.

[Ted27]

@moominmammaatsea , you are too kind. I fear I may be devolving as menopause (me!) and peak adolescene (him!) collide!
Sorry to hear about your big girl, she sounds like an amazing young lady

@poppet31 , if I told you the full story of my path to approval it would make your hair curl. It took over 4 years to get from first enquiry to my boy coming home. It was worth every second of it to have my boy. As hard as it sometimes, he is an amazing young man and I have been very privileged to have the chance to be his mum.
And moominmamma is right, you will need every ounce of resilience. This is just an obstacle in your way. Step over it. It will seem like a minor blip in a few years time

[FairyBatman]

Hang in there, we were pulled out of matching panel the day before it happened for the same reason, we had a 12 week wait to go back and IMO went completely over the top with extra references etc. In the long run it’s stood us in good stead as we sailed through all remaining formalities and the court hearings...tbf there were no questions left for anyone to ask!

DS is asleep next to me in his high chair having had a massive tantrum cos he dropped his ice-lolly, promise it’s worth it in the end

[flapjackfairy]

We also had a rough ride and one day I threw a canvass that I had bought in the bin. It was one of those upbeat slogan type thingies that said
Live your dream
Do what you love
Never give up

Or some similar sentiment which had been my mantra throughout . Well this particular day the plug had been pulled on a match a week before we were flying up to Scotland to meet a little boy we hoped would become our child . I was destroyed and after binning the aforementioned canvass I followed it up with every book I had ever bought on adoption .
The next day I got up and thought if I give up now it will never happen but if I keep going there is a good chance it will so I have nothing to lose. I got a lipstick and wrote my mantra on my mirror and carried on.

Eventually the right little boy came home to us and he is just perfect for our family. I am so glad we hung in there and wouldn't ever want to be without him.
So don't give up whatever you do . You WILL get there in the end . Best wishes xxx

[Mynamenotaccepted]

Agree with flapjackfairy as usual please do not give your child needs you!
We too were rejected (my breast cancer) luckily we had identified a LO before panel, the placing authority were so keen they paid to have our assessment and they placed him with us 2 months later. This next bit is not relevant but I am still here sadly my beautiful boy died at 13. I think in hindsight it was a very good placement.
please do not give up xxx

[donquixotedelamancha]

You are in an unusual situation, it must be awful. That said, given this is approval panel, not matching, I'm going to suggest it's (almost) a good thing.

There must be noticeable weaknesses in your PAR which have been waved through by the SW and panel. If you go to matching with a weak PAR your chances are much reduced (in some LAs, depending on how they work it might be a minor issue; in others or a VA it could be a big problem).

Resolving those weaknesses now is much, much better. It's hopefully a short delay to ensure no problems later. If it's a longer delay then it's probably needed.

Please forgive the following cynicism/flippancy- we all know how hard this process is:

We've lost all faith in our agency now. Good.

Bind faith in SWs is a bad idea (ours and our agency were wonderful, I am not dissing SWs). If this is enough to stop you adopting, then probably adoption is a bad idea. There will be much worse times than this.

Ask more questions, be a bit pushier, double check things; but carry on- honestly it is all worth it. All the drama and stress fades (to be replaced by more drama and stress). Having kids (particularly this way) is fucking hard but it is indescribably brilliant.

[poppet31]

I am overwhelmed by all the support and I am so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences. We have had a few days now to reflect on what has happened and have had feedback from the Adm, which has helpfully been very specific so we know what we need to work on.

It is clear from reading the feedback that our PAR has gaps that should have been explored during home study. We are angry because we feel our social worker should have had the experience to know what questions to ask us and the confidence to probe further on points which weren't clear. We have answers to all of these questions - they are just not clearly stated in the form. Of course, we thought our form was great because we have no frame of reference and nothing to compare it to.

The panel asked us only very generic questions and didn't ask about any of these areas which I think is why this has all come as a bit of a shock. It turns out that they grilled our SW before we came in but we didn't know this and she didn't necessarily have all the answers.

With hindsight, I suspected there were areas of weakness in our form but I trusted my social worker. I wish I had just trusted my gut. I do hope we can now convince the ADM that we are ready for this. We know that we are but it's hard when this person has never met you. We just want to make this form as good as it can possibly be now to prevent further issues down the line. I just have to hope it's enough.

[donquixotedelamancha]

I do hope we can now convince the ADM that we are ready for this.

You will, because it's not about catching you out or judging you- it is about external verification that the SW and panel have good evidence for their collective judgement. Once the extra work has been done you will be fine. Certainly don't be afraid to suggest amendments to the PAR so it is as accurate and strong as possible.

[FairyBatman]

It’s really worth getting the PAR right at the beginning, even though the delay will be super stressful.

Our first social worker and DH just didn’t click and he had real trouble opening up to her, with hindsight some bits of the PAR were quite negative about him and we were in matching for 18 months with no interest except for very hard to place children.

New social worker, re-writen PAR and within 8 weeks we were exploring two possible matches...it got held up again at matching panel but the was very separate.

I was so naive at the start of the process and a little healthy cynicism is probably a very good thing!

[Moominmammaatsea]

@poppet31, so glad you didn’t throw in the towel and that you are moving forwards in a constructive way. Sounds like your agency has a competent head of service who is prepared to drill down and challenge SWs (and panels) who haven’t done their job well. This bodes well for the LAC in the care of your agency (assuming it’s a local authority and not a VA).

It sounds like you’ve had really useful feedback directly from the ADM and that you can make the necessary revisions to the paperwork easily and promptly. I’d be pushing for a new panel date ASAP & maybe be asking for some direct input from the manager of your SW, assuming you are happy to carry on working with your home study SW?

You will get there and your professional and courteous and measured approach in how you deal with this setback will be another marker for your agency in how you can manage setbacks (and the total mayhem that putative adoptive children will wreak on your lives 😀)

[jingscrivenshelpmaboab]

Glad you have had some constructive feedback - use the anger you are feeling to drive you through the next stage. You will get through this with a PAR which will be better for you at matching. You will also have been able to demonstrate resilience and tenacity. Our family finder commented that we and our DS had had a struggle in our adoption journey, which was seen as a positive thing, so your experience may help in the long run. Stay strong

[poppet31]

We had a really constructive meeting with our SW tonight and she really drilled down in to the detail in a way she never did in our initial home study meetings. It's frustrating as all of this could have been avoided had she done this in the first place. But here we are.

Just trying to make the best of a bad situation now and hoping to make this form the best it can possibly be. It's sounding a lot more positive and everyone in the agency right up to the chief exec seems to think we can overcome this. I do hope they're right. Thanks again for the support everyone. Our friends and family are understandably very confused about what's happened so it's great being able to vent here.

[BarcelonaFreddie]

You'll get there - you totally will. Hang on in there.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!