Adoption Intros for older children

[Ilikethedaffodils]

Foster carer here, long time lurker and occasional poster on this board. I'm interested in any experiences adopters are able to share about Introductions when the child/children were older, ie school age.
I have previously moved six children on to adoption, but they were all babies, the oldest being only 16 months old. I now have placed with me a boy/ girl sibling pair aged 4 and 7. Family finding has been going on for over a year now, and finally a family has been found.
I feel that I "know the ropes" somewhat with babies, though of course every family and every baby are different. But preparing older children is uncharted territory for me and I don't know what pattern the Intros will take at all.
I'd be very happy to hear any of your experiences/ tips/ things you wish your child's foster carers had done/ said/ given you.
Thank-you in advance.

[topcat2014]

I will be watching with interest, as we have just been matched with a 7 y/o

[jellycatspyjamas]

I adopted my DC when they were 4 and 6, and tbh intros were a bit of a trial as the children really hadn’t been prepared. Things that would have helped:-

• spend time looking through the intro books/photo albums with the children, be positive about the move and help the children think about what their new home and family might be like.
  
• do endings with school and friends, my children moved over summer which was a known plan for them but they weren’t prepared so the end of school year triggers lots of fear that they won’t see friends again, will move to a new family etc
  
• keep the house calm and quiet, don’t have guests, visitors or family round - we found ourselves at one point in a house with 14 kids and 9 adults all having lunch while we tried to observe mealtimes for our two, at every point in the day there were extended family around which really made it hard just to connect with our two
  
• have memory boxes etc prepared and go through them with the children, my DD didn’t have some key things in hers that she thought would be there and was really upset that some things that were meaningful to her got lost
  

There will be other stuff and I’ll post if anything comes to mind, it’s so good that you’re asking though which makes me think you’ll not go wrong.

[Ilikethedaffodils]

Thank-you very much for those pointers, jellycatspyjamas, they are very useful. The school issue is already something I've been thinking of. It struck me that depending on the timing of Matching Panel etc these two could potentially move in the Summer too.
How awful to have to do intros with lots of extended family around. That would be very bad for babies too and won't be happening here I promise.
The children have memory boxes, and love looking through them, but I had a salutary lesson recently when I realised that the children have forgotten a lot of the details of why we have kept things. I need to go through the boxes and label/ annotate a bit so that when they look at them in the future they will know what things are.
Thanks again for replying. How long did the Intros last in your experience? For babies they are usually about 9 - 10 days, every day.

[jellycatspyjamas]

Our children were placed out of authority so we’re 200+ miles away, we spent 6 days in their local area and then they had 4 days here before moving in on day 5. The timings were done to suit holiday plans etc that the foster carers had in place... you’ll be seeing a theme here

[Ted27]

My son was 7, nearly 8 at intros. We had 8 days which was enough I think.
I was reasonably happy with the structure of the intros, the issue was more about the FC really. They ran a business from home and on day 2 of intros had a client in the house for half the time I was there and were on the phone the rest of the time. Because of the plans for the rest of the week I didnt really have time to talk to her about things. I got the gist of his routines but there were loads of little things that I didnt find out, like his shoe size. I didnt find out that he loves apples for six months, or that he loved singing and music.
He was with them for four years so had accumulated a lot of stuff. But she had kept literally everthing, including things like old letters from school etc about appointments which were literally rubbish. It was all just chucked into for packing cases with no order or labelling - paperwork in with toys for example. I found some important life story work under a pile of lego. It took me over a year to sort it all out. Even little things like sellotaping the ends of jigsaw boxes so I didnt end up with a huge pile of mixed up pieces which had fallen out.
One thing that was very nice to do was a farewell visit to school. He left school on the Friday, intros started Monday. The SW took us both on day of intros to his old school so he could say goodbye and show off his new mum.
My son's FC cared about his very much, but had clearly withdrawn emotionally from him, I understand why, she was protecting herself, but it made some things very difficult for him after he left because he felt abandoned by her,

[jellycatspyjamas]

Yes, all of what @Ted27 says. I was told my DD didn’t really like music - she literally sings from the second she wakes up til the moment she closes her eye to sleep. I was told my DSs favourite food was blueberries, he actually loves strawberries. Things that would have made the transition easier for them, like which were their favourite toys just didn’t get passed on.

[Ilikethedaffodils]

Thank-you, Ted27 for your comments. I really empathise with the "lot of stuff" and stuff being badly organised. That's how the children came to me (from another carer) The whole move to me was handled so badly that I'm extra determined to do my best to ensure the move from me goes as smoothly as it possibly can.

[jellycatspyjamas]

You sound fab, I wish my DCs had had you as their F.C., my sense is their experience would have been very different.

[jingscrivenshelpmaboab]

DS came to us when he was 5 and a half.

Things that worked well:
Farewell at school at start of intros. We were there and FC, and DS took us round telling everyone we were his new mummy and daddy! (However, that was the last time he called us that for 6 month)
Intros lasted 8 days, which at the time felt about right
FC was supportive, adaptable, stepped back a bit more every day, just brilliant really
We met up with FCs at a neutral place the weekend after DS moved in. This was at the suggestion of SWs who said it would help him see that not all adults disappear. We still meet up a few times a year.

Things that worked less well:
No one (including us) had a conversation about what we would be called, so we were introduced as Jings and XXXX, and that was what we stayed for 6 months. That was hard, and sometimes (espescally at the park) I felt like a nanny rather than mummy, but DP feels it was better that DS used mummy and daddy when he was ready.
DS was told he was coming to ours for a sleepover, so was furious when he realised he wasn't going back to FCs. I think SWs had done it to soften the blow, but he felt he had been lied to. However hard it is it's important to be truthful with children when moving them on.
SWs held back some information that became apparent shortly after placement - it wouldn't have stopped the match, and it damaged the relationship with SWs. Honesty, again, is the best policy.

Not all of these are within your power OP, but might be worth bearing in mind. Hope it helps.

[Italiangreyhound]

Our son was three, nearly four.

Everyone did a great job, we were very lucky. The foster carer waa a fabulous person. We will always be grateful.

It lasted about a week, we went over for lunch on dat one (in his home), day two trip out yo part, day three introduced our dd and took both kids out. There were times when I went early to observe morning routine, then did morning routine and bed time etc. We had a day off during intros.

Or felt well planned and long enough at about 8 days.

We called each other mum and dad and he followed suit.

Foster cater was great. Such a big help.

[Italiangreyhound]

Trip out to park!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

We adopted a nearly-8 and a 2.5.
Our intros were 4 weeks(!), though the last week had a 2 day and a 3 day stay in it.
Our FCs were ace and very experienced.

FC referred to us as 'Mummy and Daddy' from the start.
On first meeting FC handed over a photo album of the DDs in FC and got DD1 to sit between us on the sofa and show it to us.
FC was very clear what would/would not be coming with the DDs and from about the 2nd visit she was giving us bits to take back with us(they had a lot of stuff). That meant that when they first came to our house some of their familiar things were already there.
FC generally did 'shows us once, observe us once, then leave us to it'

[Yolande7]

Our's were 5 and 6 at placement and our foster carer was very experienced and fantastic. She had prepared them extremely well and made them look forward. The fc and the sw had told the children they needed a new Mummy and Daddy and told them after a while that they had found just the right people.

• Our intros lasted 10 days. On the first day we met the kids for an hour and the foster carer took the first picture of the four of us, second day we met a bit longer, third day we picked them up from school and went to a nearby farm (with foster carer), fourth day we took them to our cottage on our own and baked a cake for the foster carer, fifth day we painted some pottery and went to a small zoo, 6th day we met with the siblings. Then we went back home (already took some of the children's things) and the next day the foster carer came with the children, so they could see our flat. There were already some of their things, which helped them to imagine themselves living there. They stayed in a nearby hotel. The next day they left. Then we all had a day to regroup and process and the day after that we took the children home. The children took it all in their stride. The timing worked well.
  

• the kids came with not too many things: clothes; some teddies; letters from birth family; a photo album with friends, holidays, etc. with one photo of them with the foster carer, all photos were labelled which helped a lot; memory box; some books. The foster carer had gone through everything with the children and checked if it still fitted and decided with them if they wanted to keep it. One teddy was a good bye present from the birth parents. It would have been great to know that.
  
• right from the start the foster carer always referred the children to us, eg. child: "FC, can I do this?" FC:"You will have to ask Mummy." She made it very clear that she loved them and cared about them, but she was now handing over.
  
• she wanted to keep in touch with us and we still see her regularly and call a few times a year. I always felt I could call her if need be, which was very helpful. She was always supportive. She is a wonderful person!
  
• The FC was very happy to answer any questions and told us about their routine and what they liked and didn't like.
  
• the fc had done a good bye party before intros

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

Our LO was 13 months when she came to us and a lot of the stuff in her memory box had no context. FC was very stressed by the introductions process as had other foster children in the house who were finding it difficult. Some information was passed on in an oh I've just remembered this kind of way and I'm pretty sure I forgot some as was also stressed by the whole situation. Our LO also came with lots of second hand toys and had no interest in them. In amongst them was a toy that should've been in the memory box and it was only by chance I spotted it in a contact photo that I kept it. Also some of the paperwork talks about clothes that where given at contact and these got donated to charity by me as I didn't realise and they had got to small as she'd grown 😞

[Ilikethedaffodils]

Thank-you very much for all these replies. Some very useful pointers and some pitfalls to avoid. I don't have other children in the house so when Intros finally start my focus can be all on the children moving on and their new Mum and Dad, and supporting all four of them as best I can.

[Riley16]

My dad was 8 when I adopted her, our introductions lasted 9 days. I spoke to her on the phone at her request about a week before intros started which was a real nice breaker, at the end of the call she said bye mummy, not sure how I held it together till after putting phone down - noone had ever called me that before! The first day was only for a couple of hrs & the fc's had got some craft kits for us to do which was a really good idea, they didn't hover over us & left us to it, as we were kept so busy it took away any pressure & we just chatted naturally. On day 2 we went for a long walk with the fcs & then had lunch at theirs . Day 3 onwards we went out on our own every day, they brought her to me one day then I took her back at bedtime. They lived about 1hr 15min for me so this was doable. She also had a sleepover at mine on day 7. The day before she came home with me for good the fcs had a goodbye party for her with all their family & friends, they really wanted me to be there but I felt quite uncomfortable, felt like I was under a microscope, I stayed for an hour or so then politely said my goodbyes. Overall it was a really positive experience but I honestly believe that phone call made a huge difference. Hope that helps x

[Riley16]

Dd not dad🙄