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The looooooong wait

(30 Posts)
RoomForMore Sat 04-May-19 10:52:18

Just need a little vent, i know IABU. We've been approved for a couple of months now and are waiting to be matched. It feels like everything is going at snail's pace. SW isn't very communicative. Feeling pretty down about it all. We don't have access to linkmaker because they want to match us in house but there aren't any children in our age band with an adoption order.

I know I need to be patient, I know SW's are working for the children and not us. I know it all. Just feel a bit sad. Everyone in rl is constantly asking what's happening about it and I've got nothing to tell them. And they just say 'oh the right child will be there at the right time.' Well...Yes... I know. It doesn't make the wait any easier does it. Ah well. Thanks for reading and wine cake flowers for anyone else in the waiting game.

Our spare room is all ready, bed made etc, just desperate for a little person to be in it smile

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Italiangreyhound Sat 04-May-19 11:16:39

It's tough.

Please tell everyone you feel comfortable telling, who is asking, a version of "Thanks for asking and being interested but I'm finding it all hard, all the waiting. So wen we have news to share, we will share it. Being asked about it all is making me feel a little uncomfortable and stressed. In the nicest possible way, please don't ask. We will tell."

Also, just posted this on another thread...
"It's also good to use this time -reading up on adoption/attachment/parenting from a child-centered position, saving money, de-cluttering, and doing things you cannot do with children/more children/newly placed children.

Doing these things may make you feel more in control and will make good use of your time. I think those 4 things are never wasted."

RoomForMore Sat 04-May-19 13:24:54

Thanks @Italiangreyhound I feel like I could burst into tears over it most days confused it's a lot more waring than thought it would be.

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Italiangreyhound Sat 04-May-19 19:09:00

RoomForMore do not use up your energy now worrying. Enjoy tgis time. I know it is hard. Eat well, sleep well. You are a chrysalis waiting to become a butterfly and you need to conserve your energy for the flight!

HoolaHoola20 Sun 05-May-19 12:47:26

@roomformore you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth. I feel EXACTLY the same. I’ve been in a very positive place since approval four months ago but the last few days I feel on the constant edge of tears. Only very recently have I questioned if we will ever find our LO.

I’ve read some amazing journeys on here, some people took over a year to find their match but when they did it was perfect. I’m trying to hold on to that but I completely understand how you’re feeling, our room is all ready to go too. Sending you a hug 🤗

topcat2014 Sun 05-May-19 16:40:46

Your LA have three months, generally, to look for a match "in house" which is fair enough as they did the training.

However, you should be offered something a bit wider in due course - which is usually linkmaker.

I see no reason why you should ask for this after a few months.

I agree, the matching was far tougher than I even thought.

Good luck - and try and remember to live the rest of your life at the same time smile

jellycatspyjamas Sun 05-May-19 18:06:58

The waiting is hard, yes but try to use it to enjoy your last few months of child free time. Go out for dinner, book weekends away etc because honestly there will come a time when you start to loose sight of who you are.

My experience of linking and an matching was that once my DC were linked with us they process was very quick, like 6 weeks from linking to intros, with all the associated meetings, prep work, ending work etc. So, while I longed to be there, the pace of change was incredible. It’s easy to say “relax” but honestly give yourself a break - it’ll come in time and you’ll not remember this waiting time.

RoomForMore Sun 05-May-19 18:27:59

Thank you all for your responses, I do appreciate you taking the time. We have 2BC already so in that sense we are 'busy' and have plenty to do. There's just this little hole in my heart left to fill smile Hopefully I will hear something next week. Any sort of communication from SW would be great.

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topcat2014 Sun 05-May-19 19:28:15

Whenever I think "is it too soon to follow up the SW", I then tend to think "Sod it - send an email anyway" which tends to make me feel a bit better.

ifchocolatewerecelery Sun 05-May-19 22:12:48

The whole thing is one enormous stressful wait. Our first link fell through. The home visit was a Thursday but they didn't tell us til the Monday which was a horrible wait as my mind kept swinging between yes and no. So at the next link also with an initial visit on a Thursday we got our SW to pin them down to tell us by Friday afternoon at the latest to avoid the wait. That was the end of the March and we didn't go to matching panel til the middle of the August because of a series of unavoidable delays. Unfortunately, you are stuck in a bureaucratic process and I think the stress stays at varying levels until the final adoption order is granted and you are legally the parent. Although I did miss the 4-6 weekly visits from my LO's social worker as she is a lovely woman.

RoomForMore Tue 07-May-19 18:36:48

Heard from SW today to say there is no update and she's away for a couple of weeks now sad One day I'll have news!! I just have to be patient smile

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RoomForMore Wed 22-May-19 17:14:35

Little update smile SW has told us about a LO. They don't have an AO yet but court date for that is over summer. If all goes well we could be looking at matching panel in August! We haven't seen a profile yet so just going on verbal info from SW.

Just feels good to have some communication going tbh!

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topcat2014 Wed 22-May-19 18:24:47

I came on here for a little mini rant. About 3 weeks ago we were linked with a child. Still positive it will go ahead - but: There is only one day per week when our SW and childs SW (different areas) are both at work. Hence you just hear nothing week after week. We have missed "the day" for this week, so nothing will happen till next week now.

I really wanted a little bit of news for the bank hol..

Can't see the move happening before the summer hols now.

Hey ho.

RoomForMore Wed 22-May-19 22:20:38

Oh no @topcat2014 Sorry to hear that sad I'm not expecting to hear from our SW for a couple of weeks. I'm trying to tell myself I might not hear from her till LO has adoption order in the summer! That way, any communication sooner than that will be a bonus smile

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Alljamissweet Thu 23-May-19 22:38:50

You can go on Linkmaker after 3 months. We waited 18 months after approval because we listened to our SW about staying in house. Eventually we went further afield and found our lo.
Do what is best for you and your family. Remember your lo is on their journey to you too. There are additional factors insofar as you have 2 BC so matching could take a wee while.
It will happen. Stay strong x

RoomForMore Tue 22-Oct-19 14:43:10

I'm sat here feeling pretty tearful about the whole thing. We are still progressing with the same child we've known about since Spring but dear God it's taking a long time.

I'm so fed up of SW's giving us false hope and false promises. I'm devastated that once again they're delaying proceedings. (The 4th time they've done this).

I'm so upset that we were meant to do intros next month and now it's not happening till the new year. But worse is how they try and spin it to make it a positive for us. ITS NOT POSITIVE HAVING TO WAIT 3 MONTHS.

We don't have anyone to speak to irl about it because in spite of us explaining it to friends they still don't fecking understand the process at all. I just feel miserable and helpless.

Rant over. And breathe. I'm not looking for advice, just a safe space to have a little big cry.

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Drizzzle Tue 22-Oct-19 18:58:38

That sounds really hard. I don't know much about this, why is it taking so long? Is it just because the social workers are so busy?

beanie44 Tue 22-Oct-19 23:04:42

I feel your pain, it was the hardest part for us. Just think one day soon these days will all be memories and just another step on the path to finding your LO. Personally I found linkmaker heartbreaking and would recommend sticking with your LA if you can. We put interest in child after child and never got a response - lots of highs and lows and not much support or guidance. LO has been with us for 7 weeks now 🥰

DashOfMagic Wed 23-Oct-19 20:16:15

Hey @RoomForMore just wanted to send best wishes I found the whole process very emotional and frustrating, almost completely due to the delays and social work aspect of it. They are not bad people but the system is not an efficient or competent one.

We expressed an interest in DD in February, didn’t meet SW/confirm link until May then didn’t have matching panel until August, then she moved in in September. The lost months in between were for no other reason than SW availability. Yes as well meaning friends tell you of course it all works out in the end and once they’re home it’ll all be worth it, meant to be, blah blah, but I still remember feeling exactly as you do now when my social worker told me we wouldn’t be going to panel for another 3 months because of their holidays, and it’s very worth a big cry and rant. flowerswinecake

Do you mind me asking why intros keep being delayed? X

RoomForMore Thu 24-Oct-19 16:21:49

Thanks for your replies. We're not on LM anymore, haven't been since we heard about LO back in April. Delays are due to court proceedings. Nothing we can do to speed it up.

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RoomForMore Tue 10-Dec-19 20:22:57

And the looooooooong wait is over smile LO is now with us fsmile

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JohnPA Tue 10-Dec-19 20:30:21

Amazing! Congratulations! Just in time for Christmas! smile

121Sarah121 Tue 10-Dec-19 20:34:04

Lovely to hear little one is home with you for Christmas.

DashOfMagic Tue 10-Dec-19 21:27:33

Wow congratulations! How’s it going?? fgrin x

RoomForMore Tue 10-Dec-19 21:37:10

In the nicest possible way...nothing can prepare you for having a little imposter in your home grin we don't really know how we feel about it, other than she's happy so that's the main thing.

Sounds terribly ungrateful after all the longing and waiting confused but I'm sure we'll bond with her soon. She's adorable smile and we really are very lucky.

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