Our lovely 4 yo girl and 2 yo boy came home last autumn. Our 19 yo daughter (my step daughter) moved out the summer before and in with her student boyfriend, so she's only been at home a handful of times in the last 6 months. She was an only child before her siblings came and is polite in their presence and makes an effort when she's with us all. She and her boyfriend are actually moving town for his placement year in a few weeks.
As with all sibling toddlers our younger two are full of beans and naughtiness and have been challenging with words to each other (and husband and me sometimes) lately like 'stupid' 'idiot' 'you're going in the bin' etc. Our 4 yo has said 'fat pig' and most frequently 'daddy's not your daddy' to our older daughter. It happened again yesterday at the grandparents over lunch - out of our earshot. It's upsetting and we've spoken to the 4 yo about our family and how much we all matter and love each other. In the past she's apologised to her older sister, who she actually adores and speaks lovingly about her in her absence. She's doing great at learning about emotions and behaviour and being self reflective. In her big sister's presence, though, our 4 yo cannot seem to help herself before the naughty words towards her sister come out.
Partly I think it's because she and her brother have attached quite firmly to us from the get go and she particularly can be very protective. Partly I think this is typical younger sibling behaviour. Partly I think my older daughter, being polite, has not known how to challenge back and retort - she tells us later, asking for more discipline! Although we have previously said she can challenge back firmly. She's feeling it's unfair and that she's starting to feel pushed out of the family .
I do empathise with my daughter and will need to ensure she's heard and consoled. It's difficult because she's hardly ever at home anymore (once a month?) and so I'm worried that she doesn't get to develop a relationship with her siblings and therefore have a realistic insight into them - the rough with the smooth. There's also the issue that we cannot guarantee that it won't happen again. We are talking about 2 pre-schoolers from a difficult background who have moved home, family etc. From what we can see and know about them they're actually doing quite well, in this first year.
As well as the usual work about emotions, words, behaviour with our 4yo, I feel we need to support our older daughter with the same, as well as developing appropriate responses. I was slightly concerned with her saying that her younger sister 'thinks it's OK to...' because there's often nothing consciously rational about preschoolers behaviour. How to convey that to a teenager, who needs her needs met? When our youngest two also have needs. I don't want it all to be 'on them.'
I'm thinking family time together just to physically be in the same place and maybe do something collaborative and address how we act as a family might work - we talk a lot about being a team.
Any advice / thoughts from anyone that's experienced similar.
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Birth daughter struggling
12 replies
cappy123 · 23/04/2019 17:54
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