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Struggling with husband's negativity

(8 Posts)
topcat2014 Wed 24-Apr-19 06:58:36

That seemed a crisis at the time, but have almost forgotten it now (was last Nov)

topcat2014 Wed 24-Apr-19 06:58:01

Our approval was a bit of a mess also, we didn't get a clear result on the day, and had to wait for the letter.

So any thoughts of 'celebrating' that part went straight out of the window.

topcat2014 Wed 24-Apr-19 06:56:09

I haven't found anything demeaning as such, but neither have I floated along on a cloud of flowers.

We have had about 6 SW (we are hoping for a match next week) and meetings cancelled, timescales just lengthened out randomly.

So, I will do what is required to get through this thing. I appreciate the sterling work that all SW do, but I for one am not going to be starting "what presents are you getting for your SW" threads either. So I kind of see where he is coming from. He is allowed to be negative at home, so long as, underneath, he does really what a child this way at the end. The child, after all, is what this is all about. The rest is just hassle and admin

Italiangreyhound Wed 24-Apr-19 00:53:56

poppet31 I guess we are all different. It's good people have replied and showed that they also can understand your husband's position.

For me, I never found talking about myself difficult or demeaning. I found the process quite enjoyable and pleasant. I would find your husband's attitude hard to face. But at the end of the day the process does end. For us it was less then two years from start to finish and we are now 5 years down the line and the process is a distant memory!

Focus on the end of the process, having a child come and live with you and parenting them for the rest of your lives.

I've got several negative people in my life and it drives me mad, but then I guess my relentless positivity probably drives them mad too!

"...he just keeps going on about how humiliating it is for him having to sit in front of a panel of people who will know everything about him."

For me, this is a very odd way of looking at life. When I see my doctor she knows all about my life, my biology, my eating problems, my blood pressure, everything. I do not find this at all humiliating, I feel reassured that she knows all this and is trying to help me.

The panel are trying to help you and your husband to bring home a child, they are doing the work for you but also for the child, to ensure that she or he has the best possible chance of overcoming the early difficulties of life and growing up healthy and happy.

Good luck, I hope your husband will come to see this is a very small part of being a parent, and, honestly, this is nothing compared to the challenges of actually raising a child/children.

Good luck and I do wish you all the best. thanks

Autumnbloom Tue 23-Apr-19 16:06:28

I know where he is coming from. I was the complainant throughout the process to my husband. I felt over analysed, I had to give extra references because some of the ones we picked had 'only' known me eight years. My ex (from 20 years ago) had to be contacted, I felt that some of my rights (the medical records etc.) had been eroded...but you have to do it, unfortunately you have to play the game. And there is a reason for all the tick boxes and a room full of strangers (a news story search will give you the reasons why), deciding if you've 'made the grade' and are suitable parenting material. Sometimes it does sting because others are able to have families so easily (and occasionally with so little thought). Cynically, the more people involved in the process, the more the risk and responsibility is shared amongst the experts.

Funnily enough though after approval I was the one thrilled, and my very laid back husband felt a little patronised. We obviously gave the right answers because we got twelve head tilts and sympathetic nodding to every answer.

Anyway, once it's done...there is matching panel to look forward to...and it all starts again!

It's all good practice, I think throughout family life, all parents are often patronised and judged by many experts (SWs, teachers, doctors), and I think soon enough you learn to play the game to get the result you want, it's often said on here but...nod and smile, nod and smile.

WhiteDust Tue 23-Apr-19 10:56:46

I get it. Whilst I understand that the process has to take place, it is awful. Every aspect of your life dissected & analysed by a group of strangers to see if you 'pass the test'.
It's stressful for both of you and if he is playing the game in public, home may be the only place he can let off steam.

Ted27 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:35:32

He kind of has a point, I hated every minute of it too, but being single I moaned to the cat.
I understand you will want to celebrate, but I also recognise that sense of relief. Approval is only half way there, matching is in many ways much harder.
As a single person I'm in no position to give couples advice but it does sound like you need to thrash this out. SWs could be in your lives for many years to come.

Good luck for panel

poppet31 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:13:15

We have our approval panel soon. My husband has been so so negative throughout this process (he is quite a negative person in general.) He does want to adopt and has fully engaged with the process. But behind closed doors he just keeps going on about how humiliating it is for him having to sit in front of a panel of people who will know everything about him. If we get approved (which we hopefully will) I will want to celebrate but I honestly don't think he'll even be happy - just glad it's over. He has hated every minute of this process he says and yet is charming and engaging when our social worker is here. I'm just really struggling to deal with his negativity about it all. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, scared to mention the panel or process in case he goes on another rant about how unfair and ridiculous it is. Just wanted a moan really to people who might understand.

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