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Tracing my past - have just posted letter to adoption agency.

(17 Posts)
OpeningACanOfWorms Mon 25-Jun-07 17:41:21

Hope I have done the right thing. I have always known I was adopted and decided not to do anything about tracing my birth parents. I still have no wish to find them but am desperate for medical information. Sometime between my birth and being adopted I suffered very serious head injuries. I was aware there was some scarring but have recently had to have a CT scan and the consultant said I have had very complex surgery. I have no idea what it was for. The consultant is hoping if I can find out more about what happened or even some hereditary medical history it could help him diagnose my recent neurological problems.
I can rationalise the need to establish medical details but am hoping I am not about to open up a can of worms by contacting the adoption agency.
Sorry about long post.

Kewcumber Mon 25-Jun-07 19:48:50

good luck - I'm sure it's a diffcult decision to search but it is obviously the right thing for you because thats what you decided IYSWIM. I wish you luck.

madamez Mon 25-Jun-07 19:52:58

Good luck with this. I think you might need to take up any and all available counselling because it's possible that what you discover may be upsetting. I don't think it's possible to trace birth parents without causing some upheaval in your own life and in other people's lives - which is not areason not to do it, just an observation.
FWIW I'm adopted and have not traced - but am contemplating it.

GooseyLoosey Mon 25-Jun-07 19:56:37

I am not adopted but dh is and has never traced his birth parents. He would find it extremely stressful to do so. However, in your case, it sounds as if it is necessary for your future health and happiness and that there is little else you can do. If you have no expectations or dreams of a perfect family, that must help.

Good luck and try not to worry about the decision you have made.

indiasmum Tue 26-Jun-07 09:17:52

hi, i was adopted as a baby and throughout my life felt no need to trace my birth family. but eventually i guess curiosity got the better of me and i traced them (well social services did really!) 2 yrs ago. i found i had a younger brother (also adopted) who i am very close to (we even live in same city and went to school opposite each other and had mutual friends) and have just traced my older brother (adopted as well) and am waiting to hear from him. after such a possitive exp with my brother i traced my birth mother. i wrote her a letter saying i realised it must be a shock, i wasnt looking for a mother figure that i had a wondeful life and wasnt looking to blame her, that i just wanted to know what she looked like and to find out a bit more. i guess i kind of hoped at best a friendship would come o ut of it. the social wokrker had warned me that there would be a slight poss she wouldnt want to know but i didnt really believe it. the letter that came back couldnt have been worse, it was typed (so impersonal!), she said she hadnt thought of me since the day she had me, nooone knew i existed, i mean nothing to her now and never have done and she never wanted t hear from me again. i never felt rejected as a child or growing up but i did when i recieved that letter. just be very very aware that it might not be as you hope and you might not even give you medical history ( because this will prob have to come from your birth mother as i dont think records were kept as a matter of course back then- i was adopted in 1975 i dont know about you but asume it must be around the same time). my birth mother wouldnt give me any info despite the fact that i had requested it. also, let the social worker who will be assigned to you to deal with it, do the initial contacts because i didnt give her a chance to do that with contacting birth mother as was too 'excited' with having the address and having waitited 30 odd yrs i wasnt going to wait any longer! having said that, i think it perhaps wouldnt have made any difference in my case.
anyway good luck, if you need any advice i am happy to try and help. \
sorry for long post and poss typos

Kewcumber Tue 26-Jun-07 10:00:23

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your BM, indiasmum, though it must be nice to have such close contact with your brother. One of the things that modern adoption preparation training warns parents about is stressing too much "your birth mother really loved you and wanted the best for you" because sadly sometimes it just isnt true. I'm sure you know however that the fact that a parent didn't love you doesn't mean that you aren't loveable but that they are unable to love normally.

I hope that doesn't sound too clumsy.

indiasmum Tue 26-Jun-07 13:49:49

i understand what you mean kewcumber. thank you.
i am lucky in that i had a very happy adoption and the fact that i have always been very 'settled' with my adoptive parents ie they have always been my parents, not substitutes for the perceived 'real thing' iyswim. because i wasnt really looking for a mother in looking for my BM it didnt effect me as badly as it could have done. i think in many ways she seems resentful of my life and the happiness i have had (from some of the things she wrote in her letter). i dont thnik she ever thought much about me or my brothers at all tbh i think we were just a problem to be sorted as quickly as possible. i know that i was a concealed pregnancy, i'm not sure about what happened with my brothers.

KristinaM Wed 27-Jun-07 00:46:44

can of worms - i agree with the person who said that you shoudl try and find some support / counselling for yourself , its a very emotional joureny you are undertaking

i am a bit confused about the lack of medical information though. Were you adopted in the UK? Surely your adoptive parenst must know how you received your head injuries? And there must be information in your medical notes? It will also be in your social services / adoption agency records.

There aren't that many hospitals that carry out "complex brain suregry" on small children / babies - have you asked the relevant hospital/s for their records? Your consultant coudl also do this.

Sorry, but i think you need to face teh fact that you ARE opening up a can of worms. i'm not NOT saying dont do it, just be prepared IYSWIM

OpeningACanOfWorms Wed 27-Jun-07 11:28:15

KristinaM - adoptive parents both dead but I remember asking them when I was a teenager how I got my scars but they said they didn't know. GP has looked at my medical records and said they are missing from the first few years of my life. All there was was one sheet with a couple of paragraphs saying "...she is now settled in the children's home and hopefully she will not suffer from anything like epilepsy in the future."
I vaguely remember going for checkups at a hospital when I was at primary school. I know I had to travel quite a long way and got the day off school but don't know which hospital.
Seems like I really am opening a can of worms. Doesn't feel like I'm going to find anything positive out about my beginnings but at least I may fill in some gaps.
Indiasmum - thank you for sharing your experience. I don't actually have any intention of contacting my birth parents. I actually have no curiosity about them. I just want to get the medical information so I can be around for my gorgeous children as long as possible. If anything is hereditary with my condition I would also like to know so I am in a position to get the best possible care if any of my DC's get it.

indiasmum Wed 27-Jun-07 12:28:34

i only mentioned it because i feel it may only be possible to get your medical details from your birth parents. that was certainly my experience anyway. but i guess if you can find out who you were fostered with then you hope to get it through them? i dont think i understood first time. sorry

Kewcumber Wed 27-Jun-07 13:07:37

Would social services not have more details?

OpeningACanOfWorms Wed 27-Jun-07 13:10:56

Sorry to you too Indiasmum! I really meant it - I am so glad you shared your experience because it really illustrated that looking at the circumstances around ones birth is 'Opening a Can of Worms' - sometimes with a positive outcome, sometimes with a negative. Think I've resigned myself to the latter!
I just hoped the adoption agency would have some records about the period between my birth and adoption. I'll keep you posted.

indiasmum Wed 27-Jun-07 13:11:55

i suppose its poss but i know they didnt hold any medical records of that nature for myself or my brother but other people might be luckier i suppose. i dont think they had btoo back then but i think they do now.

OpeningACanOfWorms Wed 27-Jun-07 13:13:49

Don't know about Social Services. Think I just assumed (probably wrongly) that adoption society would deal with everything. Wonder how I'll find out. Actually guess adoption society will know.

indiasmum Wed 27-Jun-07 13:13:56

canofworms- you might be luckier than me. and tbh on the whole its been a really good experience for me with finding my siblings. lots and lots of people have a very positive outcome. i wish you well with it. do let us know what happens!

OpeningACanOfWorms Wed 27-Jun-07 13:18:31

I think I was just hoping that because something pretty major must have happened to me that someone might have thought that it was worth making a note of it somewhere. Maybe not.

indiasmum Wed 27-Jun-07 16:14:09

well you would hope so wouldnt you?! but you never know

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