How quickly I forget... (LONG)

[Kewcumber]

I had a difficult morning with DS this morning, tired, whiny and ashamed to say I lost my temper. Luckily the day perked up after his nap and time moved on...

Then this evening I was going through the long overdue task of correcting all the typos on my blog when I read the following written when we were about to leave the orphanage after a 6 week visit (obviously longer for him!).

I had completely forgotten how much I hated leaving him behind every day and makes me realise again just how lucky I am to have him home.

Musings on nearing the end...

Im finding it increasingly hard to write anything at the moment that isnt rather maudlin! I have become very aware that my time here in Ust-Kamenogorsk is almost over and, having been increasingly desperate to leave, I now find that I dont want to bring this wierd, emotional journey to an end.

I m torn in different directions. I want Daniel out and at home with me and have started to become quite choked when I leave him at the end of each visit, when he cries and holds out his arms to me, its really tough to keep walking down the long corridor towards the stairs even though I know I m only leaving for a few hours. And yet there is a part of me that knows it is such a huge shame that he cannot grow up here with his birth family - their loss is my gain and thats a difficult thing to get to grips with. I know there is no future for him here, the children who are not adopted have very few prospects and even though the care here is excellent and the carers are warm human beings with the patience of saints, all children deserve someone to read them bedtime stories and tuck them in at night and light candles every year on their birthday, they deserve to have favorite toys and choose their own clothes and not just to share in a general pool of both.

I didnt choose to adopt for any reasons other than selfish - it was entirely about what I wanted, I wasnt trying to save a child, I wasnt doing anyone any favours except myself. But now that I am faced with the tiny human being that has become my son I am conscious of the huge responsibility I have to do everything in my power to make his life better than it would otherwise have been. Is this beginning of being a parent finally?

There is an occasionally quoted story in adoption circles that I have always found to be slightly sentimental for my taste...

A man was out walking along a beach very early one morning, with no-one else around, when he became aware of a figure in the distance on the sea-shore. The person looked a little like they were dancing so, intrigued, the man approached. He discovered a boy picking up star-fish which had been washed ashore and flinging them high in the air towards the retreating sea.

What are you doing? - asked the man

These star-fish will die if they are left on the beach in the sun - said the boy

The man looked around at the star-fish which had been washed up on the beach,

But there are thousands - he said - you cant possibly throw enough back to make a difference.

The boy looked down at the star-fish in his hand,

Well it makes a difference to this one - he said...

It always used to irritate me as it implies that these children who are adopted should feel in some way grateful for being saved but I have become fonder of this story recently as it dawned on me - Daniel isnt the star-fish, I am.

[lissie]

thats made me cry. your son is very lucky to have found you x

[Bubble99]

I can't yet can understand where you're coming from, Kewcumber. My DS4/DT1 nearly died during birth (his twin brother did die.)

I'm aware of how special and precious he is as a result but I still have to go through the day-to-day stuff with him as a toddler and it can be difficult, of course.

[soapbox]

'Daniel isnt the star-fish, I am'

A wonderful line - really wonderful!

In the day to day rub of parenthood it does do one good now and again to stand back from it all and count blessings. Like you, I am incredibly blessed

[MarshaBrady]

kewcumber that post is lovely and moving too. Being the starfish is wonderful,
o i welled up again!

[Kewcumber]

Bubble - I never thought the time would come when I wouldn't spend every waking moment being thankful for my son! But somehoe life intervenes... its good to take stock from time to time though.