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(26 Posts)
1960sbirthmother Tue 27-Nov-18 12:53:40

I am an older birthmother from the 1960s and have been reunited with my son for a long time. He will inherit from his adopted family.
I have a will leaving everything to the sons I brought up. I'm thinking of changing my will to include my adopted out son, though probably giving him less due to his other inheritance. He would in any case get sentimental items.
I know the legalities, but am asking what other people would do.

OP’s posts: |
shirleyschmidt Tue 27-Nov-18 13:22:54

That's a hard one as inheritance is awkward anyway, and you obviously don't want to hurt any of your sons. I have zero experience of anything like your situation but my thoughts would be: Since reuniting do you have a close relationship with your son? If so I'd definitely be tempted to include him, especially if he also has a relationship with your other sons.
If you reunited but don't maintain any meaningful regular contact, but you do with the children you brought up, then it might be less complicated to keep things as they are knowing your adopted son will inherit from his own family.

1960sbirthmother Tue 27-Nov-18 15:23:24

Shirley - Thank you for your thoughts. I do have close regular contact and he does know my other sons well.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 27-Nov-18 15:25:58

I think talk to your son.

In truth none of them may inherit anything due to care home fees etc.

I would spilt it equally tbh anything else will cause hurt.

howmanyusernames Tue 27-Nov-18 15:44:06

I would split equally. This isn't about what he might inherit from his adoptive family, it's about what he inherits from you. He could see not getting an equal share as you not loving him as much. It wouldn't even be about the money, it's about you accepting him as your son, and loving him as much as the other two.
Another way of looking at it, if one of your other sons had a partner and he/she was to inherit £500k, your son is married to their partner and they use the money for a deposit for a house, would you then not give that son as much as he has had some extra money come his way?

1960sbirthmother Tue 27-Nov-18 18:02:29

Thank you for giving your views. It's good to get feedback from others as it's not a common situation.

OP’s posts: |
noenergy Tue 27-Nov-18 18:18:28

I would share equally, you don't know if and what he will get from his adopted parents.

This is about you splitting between you children and I think inheritance should be always be split equally no matter what.

iwillkeepthishouseclean Tue 27-Nov-18 19:44:13

It needs to be shared equally as otherwise you will hurt his feelings

donquixotedelamancha Tue 27-Nov-18 21:34:37

I think talk to your son.


If his financial inheritance will be much greater than your other sons and what is life affecting for them is not for him, then I can see why you might want to only give him a token amount. If that's not the case then I think I'd want to split equally.

Either way you need to discuss it with all of them and resolve any worries or ill feeling they might have. Make clear that they are all equally loved and, if you are splitting unevenly, then make sure he is included in the will in other ways.

RandomMess Tue 27-Nov-18 21:49:37

Problem is there is no guarantee he will inherit from his adoptive parents because there is no crystal ball!

S0PH1A Tue 27-Nov-18 23:55:00

Not all adoptees inherit from their adoptive parents. I didn’t inherit anything, my parents left everything to their biological child and their biological grandchild.

fasparent Wed 28-Nov-18 15:55:19

Would contact a good probate solicitor, look at trustee's , administrator's. can be complicated , has child disability's are they competent too manage accounts

1960sbirthmother Wed 28-Nov-18 20:47:18

Sophia - I'm sorry you did not get an inheritance. In my son's case there are other adopted children and no biological children so they expect to each get an equal share.
Fasparent - there are no disabilities involved.
I guess because I know that if I die intestate my son will get nothing and, if his adoptive parents die intestate he will inherit there, it is expected that I leave things like this. I see from people's views here that this is wrong.

OP’s posts: |
fasparent Thu 29-Nov-18 01:20:56

Just put on details regard's disability's , Trust's, or any other compensation arrangement, should not effect future payments and salary's should or would be exempt of TAX. Hence need a good solicitor. Sickness & disability can happen too any one at any time


Offredalba Thu 29-Nov-18 02:36:30

I'm in your situation and have the same dilemma. I haven't come to a final conclusion but am leaning towards leaving my estate to my raised family only.
Firstborn will definitely receive an inheritance from the adoptive parents. My raised children may not receive anything from their fathers estate as he is remarried, so all that may be available to them would be the proceeds of our family home, assuming of course that it doesn't disappear in care costs.
Its also a case of considering where the surviving individuals see their boundaries. Firstborn's boundaries are clear and loyalties lie first with the adoptive family, so an inheritance could be seen as an unwelcome post mortem claim of ownership.
Relationships between the siblings are very warm, but while my raised children have welcomed firstborn unreservedly, sharing out the family assets when there is no shared history with them, could be the seed to grow a new resentment. They could always decide between them if they wanted to give firstborn a greater share, and I'm confident in them being sensitive to needs and feelings in that situation.
Talking to your son is good advice of course, but its a bit tricky. Raising the subject can make it seem more important than it really should be, and assign extra significance to any choice that you finally make. It might seem like you're making a statement. I'm sure that your son did not seek reunion with you for financial gain, and you wouldn't want him to think that you might think so.
Sorry I don't think that there is an easy answer to this one. Tell me if you find one.

1960sbirthmother Thu 29-Nov-18 09:24:35

Offred's views have given another dimension to think about. As mentioned previously, inheritance elsewhere is a consideration from extended family on my side as well but I'm not sure if this should be a reason for deciding who to leave to in my will. We should leave equally to our children if one is richer than another.
Adoptee's loyalties are important. Their Mum and Dad are the ones that brought them up. In my case though I am close to my son and he sees very little of his adoptive family. I think that maybe I will upset someone whatever I do. As Offred said, raised family may be resentful, alternatively adopted son could feel he was not loved,

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Thu 29-Nov-18 10:35:13

Ultimately talk to all your children individually- ask them what they think they would do...

You really do need to be mindful that none of them might inherit from anyone due to care costs in old age!

My parents have skipped me and siblings and left to the grandchildren but then split it unevenly which hurts!!! They have in effect given my share to my children but because I have more DC they get less each...

If they were going to skip a generation it should be equal between all the cousins!

DH and I split ours equally despite the eldest not being DH and she may inherit from her Dad and she lived with him as primary carer for almost as long as us.

Kewcumber Thu 29-Nov-18 11:11:27

There is no need to leave things equally, really there isn't. I mean if you want to that's fine but I don;t understand the obsession with leaving equal amounts to all regardless of their financial position.

My sister and her DH are millionaires (think 3 homes and multiple cars) and have said it would be ridiculous for my mum to have left them something when I am a single parent with a dependent child with some additional needs.

The key is to communicate.

whatever you decide to do, discuss the motivation behind it with everyone and make a will.

Dying without a will is the biggest pain in the arse.

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flapjackfairy Wed 24-Jul-19 09:55:58

@SOPH1A that is awful . What a slap in the face! I would hope all adoptors would act fairly when it comes to leaving inheritances where there are both adopted and biological children in the family. I know I certainly will and I am appalled anyone would do any differently.
And op I think it is great that you are being so thoughtful and sensitive to all your children.
I would say to share it equally myself but I understand your confusion 're your birth son inheriting from his adoptive family as well.
One thing I intend to do when I redo my will shortly is to write letters to all my children ( birth, adopted and long term foster child ) telling them how glad I was to be their mum and what they meant to me etc . Personally I would value such a letter from my own parents more than any financial inheritance.

darkriver19886 Wed 24-Jul-19 12:22:59

So it's okay for birth parents to leave money to the children? I have convinced myself that I wouldn't be allowed. blush

flapjackfairy Wed 24-Jul-19 13:22:25

@darkriver. I think you can leave money etc to whoever you wish. Not sure how it would work if they were minors if you died at that point ?
I guess a lot depends on whether you have a relationship with a birth child or not as to how appropriate or indeed easy it would be as some children would not be able to be traced v easily after adoption etc
In this case it is an adult birth child who has an established relationship with his birth mum so more straightforward I presume.

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