Sibling rivalry

[Thebluedog]

I’m looking for some suggestions or just to chat..

I have a birth dd, 10 & and adopted dd (6), adopted dd was placed with me 5 years ago, placed with fc at 2 hrs old, same fc until she came to me at 21 months old.

My bdd, has always been a quiet, shy, but v generous little girl, never competitive or selfish. My add is full on, everything is at 100mph. Attachement and sensory issues and is being assessed for other behavioural issues so can be v challenging. But the most happy, lovely child. Bdd was sooooo excited to get a sister and was involved in the whole process.

But, from the onset the sibling rivalry has been off the scale, and it’s constant! I was I floods of tears this morning as I’m at the end of my rope, and all this is after a weekend to myself away from the dc for a break. They would fight, argue over the last Brussel Sprout, and neither of them like sprouts. It’s constant, from the moment they wake to the moment they go to bed, they argue, fight, bicker. Can’t be in the car at the same time, can’t watch tv at the same time, can’t play together... what one has got, the other wants, if the other doesn’t want it, then the other doesn’t want it. If one likes something, the other does too. Christmas is a nightmare as they are only interested in what the other has got, because they will then want it too.

We try to spend 1:1 time with both of them each weekend and make sure we’ve plenty to do to keep everyone occupied. But the minute they are together they’ll be at each other. It’s soul destroying, tearing the family apart. I can’t bear it, so it must be horrendous for them both. When they are on their own with me, or other adults, they are lovely children, a pleasure to be with, but turn into little monsters together.

I know attachement and jealousy play a large part and we’ve been working with the support after adoption team, but nothing helps.

[tldr]

I wish I could help, I feel your pain.

Have you read Siblings without rivalry? Other people swear by it, I never got past the first chapter.

How are your DC when it’s just them? (Or does that not happen?) Does time of day make any difference? Is there any time it’s fun/okay/bearable? Mine get on best when it’s just them - as soon as DH or I appear, they start. (but only if they’re not meant to be doing something, like getting dressed or brushing teeth.)

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I have two adopted children, they were older when they came to me but I recognise the 100mph description in my DD who is 7. She is used to really having to fight to have her needs met which can result in huge sibling rivalry with her little brother.

Some things that work with my two is really enforcing turn taking - I’ve got a timer that I’ll use for joint toys and games. In foster care toys seemed to be pretty much communal so they don’t have a sense of “mine” and “yours”. To help with this we have a rule that if it’s mine and I want to play with it, I can have it for as long as I want - because it’s mine. If it’s yours and I’m playing with it and you want it back, I give it back right away because it’s yours. If its communal, we take turns.

If they can’t agree on who’s playing with what, I keep it until they can both come and agree on who should have it.

If they’re sharing sweets or cake, one cuts or shares or counts them out and the other chooses which portion - you’ve never seen children with an understanding of halfs like my two.

I also will spent time with them in the playroom while they do different things, so I might give one a jigsaw to complete while the other colours and will support them both in their tasks. They have a choice of three things to do and once they’ve chosen, that’s what they’re doing for the next 15 mins, and once one person has chosen an activity, it’s off the table - they take turns in choosing first. That way they spend time in each other’s company but aren’t competing.

It’s very very hard work and you need to be super consistent about “these are the rules” but it has helped them learn to play together.

[Thebluedog]

I like the idea of a timer, I think I’ll go and buy one of those big loud alarm clocks. Tv time, I do time, but it’s on my day so which can, and sometimes will be argued.

I can’t leave them alone @tldr because all hell breaks loose and it’s usually ends up in violence. If I go out with them separately, which we try to do, both of them are lovely, kind and so much fun, trouble is it magnifies the horror behaviour when we get home. I can sit there and wonder where my georgeous girl has gone.

You might be right @jellycatpyjamas her foster home was very busy and everything was communal so for the first year or so she’s not had to share.

[Andro]

Have you sat down with your eldest and really talked about the situation? The rose-tinted view of a 4yo wanting a sibling vs the reality of a sister with additional needs, that's a big difference! She needs to know that it's ok for her to be struggling and not feeling good about having a sister, she may also need help to put potentially complex and conflicting emotions into words.

Your youngest has sensory issues, is she sensory seeking or sensory defensive? You might find "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz helpful for finding strategies to manage the sensory issues, the book is aimed a sensory processing disorder but may still be useful.

[tldr]

sigh
I strongly suspect DC1 has stolen tooth out from under pillow of DC2 to sabotage his first visit from tooth fairy, because she’s cross about something from yesterday.

I’m not sure enough to bring it up so I’ll just have to fake obliviousness but 🤯🤬🤯🤬🤯🤬

[Italiangreyhound]

Thebluedog dd was 9 when ds came, he was 3.

The honeymoon period lasted exactly one day.

Over the 18 months things got really bad, we got some post adoption support and did a few things:

Money as rewards for good behaviour, just small amounts in a jar in their rooms
Family games night once a week, short time, maybe 15 minutes, board game and sweets or nibbles
Family activity all together once a week, bowling is a favourite and must be accompanied by SlushPuppy!
Occasional film with popcorn at home

Things have got better, but it has been a long slog.

You've got my sympathy.

[Italiangreyhound]

Over the last 18 months