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Reasons for adopting a girl

(20 Posts)
Heff4lump Sat 29-Sep-18 23:26:39

Hi,
We are almost finished our home visits and our social worker has started asking us about the child we would like to adopt. It's all very exciting. When we first started out in the process we didn't mind if we wanted a boy or a girl. The further we got into the process we started speaking about what we would do with our little one, places we would go etc we noticed that every time we spoke about a child it was always her or she. So we took that as a sign that it must be a girl we would like and when asked we told our social worker just what I have written. This was not good enough for our social worker. She wants to know the reason behind it, why we prefer to adopt a girl. We explained that it goes no deeper than what we have said but she said that she needs more. I suppose my question is have any of you specified a gender and was this accepted with little questions or did you have to go into depth on why you want that specific gender? If so what were your reasons for wanting that gender? Im almost feeling bad because we have chosen a specific gender but I shouldn't be. As adoptive parents we have very little say or control within the approval process so I suppose it's nice to have the choice about something? Thanks very much in advance x

OP’s posts: |
LollySox Sun 30-Sep-18 00:53:08

We're in the same boat except for wanting a boy. All we told our SW was we'd prefer a boy. We are still looking at girls as we want to stay as open as possible. But yes I always imagined our family life with a little boy.

topcat2014 Sun 30-Sep-18 06:59:51

We have a DD already, and are moved towards adopting a boy as they can be 'harder to place' which is tragic in itself.

Also, we watched a programme on C4 last year which said the same.

Mind you, prior to DD being born I remember thinking I don't know anything about girls (apart from DW)! and then from that second couldn't imagine having a boy,

I don't think we will be specifying a gender on the PAR, tbh.

Amaaaazing Sun 30-Sep-18 07:22:41

We were totally discouraged from choosing a gender. I, deep down, always imagined a girl. However I knew that background, circumstances and whether we could cope were much more important. The match was more important than the gender.

So we did not specify. Ended up with a girl!

mamoosh Sun 30-Sep-18 07:39:23

We felt the same in that we had imagined a girl. Our SW went into orbit when we tried to specify a gender. Our friends told their SW they wanted a girl and the SW just said "ok" and wrote it down!

I think overall you have to have a good reason other than just "girls are cuter" which is what my husband said (this is what sent the SW into orbit).

We were still hoping secretly for a girl but ended up with a boy and he could not be cuter :-).

EightWellies Sun 30-Sep-18 07:47:19

You need to focus on why you'd be better placed to meet the needs of a particular gender, rather than thinking of your preference.

The second time round, we were only approved for a girl. We already had DD1, we're both women and we have a gazillion nieces and no nephews. We felt that with being adopted, part of a same sex family, being the only boy in their generation would just be another layer of unnecessary difference.

So you'll need to turn it around and look at it from the child's perspective if you want to get your SW on board.

insmithereens Sun 30-Sep-18 12:37:51

Just say you've realised you both imagined having a girl but that you are open to either, it just depends on the individual child.

We were adopting siblings so it was slightly different but we said one of each would be ideal, however, if not then we'd lean more towards two girls that two boys. We weren't sure why but when pushed we said we thought it suited our personalities / lifestyle / wider family better (as there were already lots of boys in the family so it would be nice to even the odds).

Nothing further was asked & we did look at profiles for both mixed & female & male sibling pairs. We ended up with one of each smile

gabsdot Sun 30-Sep-18 19:30:05

For our first adoption we didn't specify and adopted a boy.
Second time we specified a girl because we wanted one of each. We adopted a girl.

Allgrownup3 Sun 30-Sep-18 20:19:05

I think your SW is trying to get you to think out of the box. What if you imagine a cute little girl who you could take to get their hair done, take ballet, wear dresses etc. And she wants short hair, trousers and loves football!

I didn't have a preference. But, then you hear boys are harder to place that girls. So I started swaying to a boy. The I was happy to be blessed with either sex.

A little boy was selective for us!!

Italiangreyhound Sun 30-Sep-18 22:36:02

I had a preference for sex when we had a birth child. I wanted a girl. I got a girl. My girl is now a teen and is the most masculine girl you could imagine, short hair and trousers all the way.

When we looked into adopting about 5 years ago I automatically felt I wanted another girl. I am one of two girls in my family, I had always wondered about adopting from China where I had heard about unwanted baby girls etc.

The social workers wanted us to be open minded and we said we were but had a preference for a girl. This was written down. I might have said I know about girls, but in reality I was only really used to my own dd and not any other female child!

While awaiting a match I watched a programme called 'Finding Mum and Dad.'

You can watch bits of this at...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-sQNIejUmI

You can probably find the whole thing on line.

It talked about how there are more boys 'in the system' and it really helped me to think differently about having a boy!

A while later our social worker found us a match, a little boy of 3. He became our son and is now 8 and is (hopefully) asleep in his room right now! (I mean I know he is in his room but hopefully he is asleep!)

Luckily for us the family finder or social worker never spotted the words 'Would prefer a girl' on our paperwork.

Having a son as well as a daughter may have made things easier for us, as there is an additional difference as well as a big age gap.

At the end of the day I feel our son was right for us, and most importantly we were right for him.

AND if you watch that clip, get the hankies out!!!

Italiangreyhound Sun 30-Sep-18 22:41:35

My advice is to be as open as you feel you can be. If you really feel the only child you would want to parent is a girl or a boy, then work out why that is and tell the social worker. I am afraid a strong feeling of wanting a girl or a boy may not be looked on favorably. But I could be wrong!

The children whose details you see will not be told about you, so you may find you see a lot of profiles and do not feel those children would be a good fit for your family and you would not be right for them.

My dd wanted us to adopt a baby! And we saw a lovely little baby but he had many health issues and we just did not feel able to cope with those issues. Our son has his own, minor, issues and we are (I think) coping well.

It is very important you are honest about how you feel and what actual things you can cope with. But do be careful about the biological sex of the child because that really doesn't guarantee what they will like, how they will behave etc etc and as others have said you may get a girl who hates dolls/pink/whatever and a boy who hates football/trucks whatever so these are things you cannot know.

At the end of the day only adopt a child you feel is right for you and you for them, but be open if you can be, is my advice.

Heff4lump Mon 01-Oct-18 11:50:06

Thank you all for your advice.its been very helpful. I understand what you all mean about stereotype gender and I can assure you that's not the reason we would like a girl. Growing up I was very much a tomboy, didn't wear dresses, played with trucks, action men etc. Any child that comes home to us will be loved unconditionally despite their traits. It's just when we dream of being a family it's a little girl that's there. We have a family which consists of 7 grandchildren and they are all boys so it would also be nice to add a girl to the family. Im Maybe just overthinking our sw reaction?x

OP’s posts: |
sunnymam Mon 01-Oct-18 11:58:53

Going through the process I could only imagine having a girl and said I would only consider a girl. I just could not imagine having a son - I also worried about male role models for a son.
However, my social worker said she thought that I should keep an open mind and put in my PAR I would consider either (even though I agreed I still thought I would only consider a girl).
However, when presented with my son's profile the only reason I would not have gone for him was because he was a boy. I decided this was not a good enough reason for not agreeing to the match and went forward - it was F2A so he was unborn and I secretly hoped that the sex was wrong.
HOWEVER he is so perfect, I fell instantly in love and now I cannot imagine not having a son!
Its really strange _ I'm so glad my social worker insisted I keep an open mind and wouldn't say I"d only consider a girl.
So yes you may imagine a girl, but try and keep an open mind.
Good luck - I'm sure the right child is out there!

Kr1stina Mon 01-Oct-18 22:56:03

I’d urge you to be open minded and not specify a sex, unless you feel that you could not posssibly consider a boy, regardless of how he might fit in your family.

If you only want one girl you are ruling out the vast majority of waiting children , as many are boys or sibling groups .

If you are looking to specify a gender then thats a whole other ball game and i can see why that would raise alarm bells with your social worker.

Italiangreyhound Mon 01-Oct-18 23:11:26

Kr1stina how lovely to hear from you. Can you say a bit more about why specifying a girl or a boy may ring alarm bells. I know that for me the issue may be that parents have a very specific child in mind. Like someone saying a specific kind of child they may wish to adopt. And the child may just not fit the picture at the end of the day.

My own dd is very masculine at the moment, has always been a 'tom boy' and had we adopted her (we didn't) and specifically wanted a girl might we have felt disappointed?

I think social workers are looking to see if adopters have unreal expectations. I know it seems maybe unfair when as adopters we get to choose so little in the process, but actually we do get to choose, we can say to a match or no and prior to actually going ahead we can try and find out more info and have help to make a decision.

Anyway, that is my feeling and I fully admit I came into the process wanting to adopt a girl!

But I know that adopters have many different reasons for things and social workers may have the wrong idea, I think maybe part of the process is being as open as one can be in the process but not proceeding with any adoption that you do not feel is right. Hope that makes sense.

Kr1stina Mon 01-Oct-18 23:29:03

I think that specifying a gender will make them extremely concerned. These children need families who will accept them as that are and not try to force them into rigid gender roles. Goodness knows they have been through enough already.

I don’t even see how it would work as the childrens profiles wont mention gender, only sex.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Tue 02-Oct-18 13:42:49

From our experience, if you don't have a really strong reason for specifying the sex of the child, I would say, don't.

Whenever I imagined adopting, I imagined 2 boys or a boy and a girl. I was never a 'girly girl' so maybe that had something to do with it. But we always kept our options open.
We have been happy parents to 2 girls for over 10 years now.

( Kr1stina is, I suspect, making a point re not confusing sex and gender. So many people use the term 'gender' as a 'nice' term for 'sex' but with all the trans activists and the proposal to allow self-id it is good that people actually say what they mean.)

Hitchyhero Tue 02-Oct-18 20:22:23

I had my initial visit the other day and said to the social worker "in my head, I'm imagining a boy, but would be extremely happy with a boy or girl"

Once we eventually get to matching stages they have all the info to match us propely. I'll trust them to match us right.

comehomemax Tue 02-Oct-18 22:05:41

I agree with Kr1stina - unless there is a specific need to specify preferred sex you are simply limiting your chances at matching stage. I think it’s natural to have a picture in your head but pragmatically, you will be in much more competitive links if you just focus on girl/ boy only.

Yolande7 Fri 12-Oct-18 23:22:50

We told our sw we would prefer girls, but would be open to a boy too. Our family's ratio of girls to boys in our children's age-group was 4:1 (now 7:1!). We felt it would be easier for girls to play with and feel close to their (mostly female) cousins.

We did inquire about some siblings groups with a boy and a girl, but deep inside wanted girls. We did not rule out boys though and our sw was fine with that. I know of other adopters who insisted on a girl and the sw was okay with that.

Try to keep an open mind. I always imagined myself with girls, but I saw a few profiles where I felt strongly drawn to the boy.

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