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DD has just stropped off to BF

(13 Posts)
UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 10-Aug-18 19:32:12

Because she told DD2 she should ask her before eating some ice cream that apparently she, DD1(19) bought last week while we were away, with her money that she earns.

I said we weren't going to go down separate foods and that attitude unless she wished to pay towards the food that we provide her with.

With that she ranted about having had a really bad day, and she was fed up with everything, stormed upstairs and soon after left and went off in her car. She normally goes first thing Saturday.

For context. She is working, albeit NMW. But she lives with us entirely rent free, and does sod all around the house, and within the last 4 weeks we paid half (nearly £2k) towards upgrading her car, the first one of which we provided completely. I had also told her before we went away that if she kept receipts I would reimburse her for reasonable food.

Some of this is general teen stuff, some is the Asperger's like social skills she has due to her dyspraxia, and some is Adoption related. But I have had 3 years of self-inflicted crisis after self-inflicted crisis.

Tell me something to keep me sane. (Or that IABU.)

bostonkremekrazy Fri 10-Aug-18 20:02:24

boyfriend...not birthdad yes?

if boyfriend then heyho let her strop off...shes 19, usually goes saturday am anyways - she can cry at his over eaten ice-cream.....saves you listening to her moaning...enjoy your evening

did you want to hear the glass half full? i'm not great at the there there stuff... wink

slovenlys Fri 10-Aug-18 20:15:19

Yeeeeeee id probably be miffed if someone ate my ice cream that I was saving for a treat.....

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 10-Aug-18 20:36:53

Boyfriend yes, definitely not birth father!

Ice cream tub still half full. She could have had some herself. Loads left.
She hadn't mentioned (or even labelled) the ice cream. I do not keep a mental list of everything in the freezer. When DD2 spotted it and asked for some I had no idea DD1 had bought it. But given that DD1 lives rent free, and does nothing to help around the house, I really don't think that a scoop of ice cream is something she should be begrudging her sister.

boston Yup she can do her woe is me at BF and his parents. We don't understand how hard she has it. We are all totally against her. And controlling her. And nagging her. We love her sister far more than her. She has health issues (that is true) that are totally beyond her control (not true). Oh, everyone else is always wrong at work, they have stupid rules which they occasionally irrationally change.

At least now we don't wake to a grumpy person in the house. smile

Metoodear Fri 10-Aug-18 21:25:02

Can I ask why she lives rent free at 19

My son 18 pays £100 per month and only gets to pay so little because he save £400 per month towards a home deposit

Paying keep is very normal for you do adults
Also if she works she should walk or save for her own car her huffing shows she is neither greatful or respectful

donquixotedelamancha Fri 10-Aug-18 21:35:36

Can I ask why she lives rent free at 19...Paying keep is very normal for you do adults Also if she works she should walk or save for her own car her huffing shows she is neither greatful or respectful

While I strongly agree with all that, it's easier said than done. When kids have lots of other complex needs, those come first. With some teens, just getting them to functioning adulthood is a huge victory.

Maybe there is room to work on developing some independence once the current drama is over, but for now my only offering is: flowers and the experience that they are less dickheadish in a few years (well I was).

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 10-Aug-18 21:57:36

While I strongly agree with all that, it's easier said than done. When kids have lots of other complex needs, those come first. With some teens, just getting them to functioning adulthood is a huge victory.

Yes, this.

We want her at home because she sort of has the option to off sticks and live with hopeless fiancé boyfriend and his family. If she does this she will likely drop out of her work/training. Her health will deteriorate further. And we will lose any influence we have. 3 years ago before she met BF she was hardworking and ambitious. She had a small group of friends and some hobbies. She has lost most of that.

Metoodear Sat 11-Aug-18 13:27:16

However like my sons councillor said they are adults

And they have to be allowed to fail as well as achive

Not having a job completeing eduaction is not a choice we want for our children but it’s a choice

We also learn when we fail if we never fail and everything is done for us and we are shielded for every pain what do we learn

Making her pay keep will do her good
Their will be virtually no we’re she can live for free and if she chooses to stay with BF zone would think their will only be so long they would put up with a free loader

If she wants a car why should t she save if she huffs off to BF well she won’t have a car unless she saves for one

And if she refuses to engage in eduaction or work unless you pay or do x y z then she isn’t as moterviated as she claims

Sorry but I can see why she acting like she is

I myself have adopted children and a child with MH

My sons councillor told me people with MH need even firmer boundaries

also as a adult she needs to understand your love will always be unconditional but her place in your home is conditional on behaviour other wise you end up one of these people with a 27 year old whom your afraid of

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 11-Aug-18 16:01:20

Me I see what you are saying and you may well be right, but our gut instinct is that it isn't right for our DD. She might be technically an adult but her cause-effect and problem solving skills are of someone a lot younger. Once she has her qualification (another 4-6 months) I will be a lot happier. Her money skills are actually OK, and she has saved well.

We wanted to part pay for the car to a) show our support for her getting on with her training & saving b) because we wanted her to have something with more safety features c) where we live walking / public transport aren't really an option and previous car was running too high a risk of randomly breaking down.

We need we think to help her get her physical health in better shape as she is in regular pain and that colours everything. She is finally letting us go to next appointment so I guess we go from there.

We really don't want her moving in with BF family.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 24-Aug-18 16:48:30

Update. DD has been signed off sick for 1 month. 1 week in she is (currently) being so much nicer. She is on half the pain killers and in less pain even then. We are using the time to re-establish bonds a bit, and trying to help her progress other things too.

Kewcumber Tue 28-Aug-18 11:16:55

That's a cautiously optimistic update Sanders

You originally asked "tell me something to keep me sane"

My insightful offering is... This too shall pass.

By the way I too would have offered to pay half the car if I could afford it and my mum was generous in helping us children out with bigger purchases/holidays all her life and we're (mostly) very good with money.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 31-Aug-18 12:00:40

Well another week, and gentle progress. smile
Fewer pain killers, more pleasant, spent some time with sister, and got some qualification work and tidying done.
I no longer feel stressed to be in the same room, so that is an improvement!

Kew this too shall pass . A very good mantra!

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 24-Sep-18 20:08:24

Signed off for another month, slowly on fewer painkillers. <…./cr....> Had a long standing family day trip at the w/e which I had been dreading until she went off work, and we had a delightful day, (even though her mobility was restricted). <…/cr/….> So definitely feeling less stressed, for now at least. smile

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