Adoption if you already have children

[iloveitwhenyoucall]

My DH and I have done a lot of soul searching recently about what we want for a family. We always wanted a large family (3/4 kids), and are lucky enough to have the finance, time & space to support that.
We’ve had two sons through IVF (3 & 1) and after a lot of thinking and research have decided to pursue adoption.
We haven’t gone any further yet, but I was wondering about people’s experiences of adoption if you already have children?
Particularly are we too early to start on the road if our youngest child is only 1? Thanks

[Cassie9]

Some agencies will ask you to wait until your children are older but not all.
My agency allowed us to apply when our birth son was 18 months old so by the time we were approved as adopters he was two years old. Our agency also wanted us to have at least a two year age gap between the children with the adopted being the youngest.
My experience of adopting with a birth child so far has been positive. Getting approved was straight forward. Although my birth child was jealous to start with he loves his little brother now. Youngest has been with us a little over a year so I guess we're still relatively early into our adoption.

[iloveitwhenyoucall]

Thanks @Cassie9
I’m guessing the jealousy issue would be the same as if you’d had another natural child or do you think it’s different? How old was your youngest when your adopted child came home with you?

[Cassie9]

My birth child was almost three and adopted child was ten days old. I assume the jealously issue would be similar if we had another birth child only difference was we didn't have long to prepare him for the new arrival because we took a foster to adopt placement so only had a weeks notice. Also baby was on an abstinence program due to drug exposure which all of the family found tough.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I think when you apply depends on what route you take and the authority you use.
I would imagine Cassie that you did concurrency/foster2adopt?
10 day old babies aren't usually available for straight adoption unless they are the sibling of an already adopted child you have in your care.
The rule is that you have to have 2 yrs between your youngest BC and any AC. So if you go for straight forward adoption, your child will need to be around 2/3 when you apply. This is based on the fact that most children aren't usually released for adoption until after 6 months old so would be in foster care waiting for decisions to be made.

It also depends on your area. When we first applied, most local authorities said we couldn't apply because our youngest was about to turn 3 and they didn't have many children under 18months/2 yrs available for adoption. We had to go further afield, in order to find an authority with children of the age group we needed.
In the end we adopted DD when she was 11 months old, DS turned 4 a week later.
If you do foster to adopt, you can take much younger babies and could potentially start sooner. With this though, there is no certainty that the child will remain with you. I know of 3 people who have taken a child at just a few months old and had to return them to birth families 6/8 months later.
The process is hard and varies in length depending on the authority.
It has been worth it for us. Our two adore each other and are like every other brother and sister!

[iloveitwhenyoucall]

@hidinginthenightgarden thanks! Lots to think about there. I have read a lot about foster 2 adopt and the emotion and heartbreak in building an emotional connection with a child and then them going back to their birth family is something I would struggle with a lot I think.

[WeLoveLego]

We adopted AD (age 1) when my birth sons were 2 and 4. Started the adoption process when my sons were 1 and 3. We then adopted AD’s sibling, when she was 2. So we have 4 children altogether, two biologically, two via adoption. My eldest is now 9, the youngest is 3.
Its hard to sum up the family in a few words, but enjoyable comes in there, as would loud. The uncertainties of adoption aren’t for the faint hearted, you have to be very resilient (I imagine IVF prepares you for uncertainties and makes you resilient in many ways though; social workers will be keen to hear your experiences there).
I’ve found having two biological children very helpful in that they’ve modelled a positive sibling relationship to the younger two, and they’re very different from each other, which has made adopted/ biological comparisons easier. ( people will tell you not to compare...but sometimes comparisons are useful as you can spot behaviours that are more adoption related,get help early, and also you can see where behaviours are very a typical for that age).
Dynamics shift and change though, so over the four years that we’ve been adopters, the relationships between the children, and the children themselves change. I know that’s an obvious thing to say, but I initially thought of my children as quite static eg. Second child ‘laid back, calm, tolerant’.The 1 and 3 year old you have now, together with some of their personality traits, such as tolerance, may change and I think with adoption, the ability to accept the changes in all your children, and not try to pin it on adoption always, is important. So for example, my second son is now quite uptight, a perfectionist, not especially tolerant ( of his siblings). For me, this isn’t because of adoption, it’s just him growing up, but having two sometimes chaotic younger siblings (who don’t always regulate themselves very well) doesn’t do him any favours. ( sorry I’ve not articulated that very well, hope you get the gist).
Time is the most crucial thing you’ll need in my opinion. Always being there for the children, having time enough for all of them. It’s easier said than done as leaves little left for you. Maybe that’s just a big family thing, rather than an adoption specific thing!

[iloveitwhenyoucall]

Thanks @WeLoveLego really interesting and helpful to hear your experience.
Yes the IVF has been a huge uncertainty all the way through, we have had some huge highs and huge lows from it and believe we understand ourselves a lot better now because of it!
What you said has struck a chord as my mums main concern about us adopting is the impact on our two birth children... but I believe they would both change just as much, even if it was differently, if we decided to expand our family “naturally”.
I’m lucky enough to have been a SAHM since I had my first, and we’re also
lucky to be financially secure enough to stay that way for a good few more years yet. DS1 is now in pre-school a few days a week which gives me time with DS2, and I would imagine by the time we’re looking at welcoming a new child into the family DS2 will also be doing a few mornings. However I can imagine that having three (or four!) at home is exhausting... but worth it 😊

[WeLoveLego]

My MIL also worried about impact on birth children, but as soon little ones arrived she positively championed our children and adoption in every way ( she now has a job involving adoption!)
Very quickly some More points about birth children followed by adopted children:
Your adoption is very public, eg. One day at playgroup/ school you have two children, the next, three. ( I was asked several times if I’d started childminding!) Takes a bit of explaining to those people who are acquaintances, who you’d otherwise not really chat to, and then navigating their questions while maintaining three young children, takes skill!
Extreme uncertainty: yes, there’s uncertainty with BC growing up, multiply that many times with AC. We’ve wondered about FASD many times, ADHD; starting school there’s heightened thoughts about learning, socialising, add complications of attachment in there...basically, you’ll justifiably worry more and be poised to fight for support for your child/ children constantly. AC are far more emotionally exhausting from the outset. This applies in all adoption but with birth children in tow, yes possible impact on them, but wider impact on you as a family, so for example, it might limit what you all do. Small insignificant example but, camping with my impulsive, no limits three year old- no way! Shame, as the others would enjoy this. BC at this age were much more composed.

However! On the back of this, AC need a lot of channeling. Their impulsivity is scary, especially at the side of roads, but our BC are helping AC get into sport very early, channeling them. AD wants to do what her older siblings do- cycle, tennis, swim etc

BC have helped AC no end at school. They’ve navigated her in the playground, kept a watchful eye and reported back to me. Having them at school has helped in terms of attachment; she’s been able to sit with them in assemblies etc.hellped her feel secure.
It helps that we’re experienced parents, but we don’t know it all. AC need some different parenting techniques ( couldn’t use a sling with AC, they wouldn’t tolerate it...comfort was initially on their terms. Took 18months for AD to properly hug us etc, she trusted her siblings first, then us). We’ve learnt to be more playful, accepting and empathetic parents because of our AC-this has enriched the whole family.
Adoption process rightfully puts the needs of the adopted child as absolute paramount: can be frustrating as BC get sidelined, but slowly, once the children are placed, family life for all evolves from there.

Adoption process is all about ‘worst case scenario thinking’. It’s really really important to consider all this, think about the what ifs. Our reality has been hugely positive ( so far!). Three youngest have been playing happily in imaginary spaceships as I type this. AD has exceeded expectations across all areas at school this year and is very happy. Our youngest, who had speech delay, has now caught up, very socialable and also happy ( currently!)
I’m not sure how typical we are, I feel lucky, very fortunate to have these amazing kids.

In general all four get in very well together ( for now)....and are now begging to go to the park. Ha!
Please feel free to PM or ask specific questions as they arise.

[Alljamissweet]

There’s a book called “Am I supposed to feel this way” by Elizabeth Archer. Available on Amazon
She is an adopter with a BC.