DS made up adoption story

[Jellycatspyjamas]

My DS(5) has generally been more able to articulate stuff around his adoption than his older sister. We talk about his early years openly.

Today he told me his first mum and dad were dead, that he saw them die in a car crash and was very upset - which is how he cane to foster care and then to his new family. That categorically didn’t happen, but he’s insistent that it did. He knows his story, we’ve talked about it over the last year. I’m wondering if it’s a developmental thing, or a way to make sense of him not being with his birth family, or even a security thing (I can’t be taken back if birth parents are dead). I’ve not pressed it with him because he has his nursery graduation this afternoon and I don’t want him upset but should I pick it up later with him, how do I help him with this?

[Italiangreyhound]

I would wait a while before taking it up again.

Maybe he dreamed it. Maybe it makes sense to him.

I expect in time he will be more open to the truth.

It sounds to me like he is trying to make sense of it.

Has he watched anything, even by accident like the news, that featured car crashes?

Good luck and don't worry. But if reinventing the truth happened s a lot I would seek post adoption support. but not for one instance.

[PoppyStellar]

I agree with italian I’d just keep an eye on it at this point and not make a big deal of it. My wholly subjective and uneducated guess would be you are right and it’s part of his way of processing things at the moment but if it becomes a more regular thing or he starts to refuse to accept the actual version of events then I’d be inclined to seek specialist post adoption support.

FWIW when my DD was a similar age she had her own fairly rigid views of BPs and it was a pretty negative view (despite me telling her her story in a deliberately non judgemental and fairly positive spin way) As she’s got older and been with me longer she’s been able to revise her view and now has a much more nuanced (and realistic) understanding of her life story and how she came to be adopted. However when she’s having a tough time of dealing with things this is when she reverts to the more negative view of BPs as ‘bad’ people and I wonder if some of this is a protection thing for her and if reverting to a very black and white view of things makes it easier to cope with. I don’t know. It’s always hard to know what’s going on in their little minds.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Thanks, my instinct is just to leave it for now - we’re approaching the first anniversary of them being placed with us and my daughter especially is finding the end of term difficult - because last year she didn’t go back to her school after summer and everything changed.

It may be that he has his own anxieties about the transition to school etc, I don’t think he’s seen anything on tv but we did pass a car that had crashed a couple of weeks ago - it’s entirely possible he’s been dreaming about that or held on to it.

I’ll just keep an eye out and maybe do some memory box work with them both over summer. Thanks

[clairedelalune]

Has he watched Stuart little / Paddington or something? Maybe one of his friends has and asked him about his adoption e.g are you adopted because you're parents are dead? And he's not disagreed. I think it's most likely to be nothing to worry about. Could quite simply be imaginary situation.

[jingscrivenshelpmaboab]

I agree with PP, just monitor, but don't address it unless it becomes problematic. DS (8) did this a bit when he had been with us for 6 months, so would have been about 6. He acquired a huge bedroom at BMs and flights to New York, all in his imagination. I think it might be trying out alternative realities in an attempt to make sense of things. I also wondered if it was a way of trying to resolve conflicting loyalties. It didn't last long.

[Downeyhouse]

Maybe it is less painful for him to think that his parents died and therefore could not keep him or can not come and disrupt his life.

Maybe is stems from a fear of his life being disrupted again.

Also maybe he prefers to tell other kids that rather than admit he had to he separated from his bp due to neglect etc.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

This time last year we were preparing for them to arrive with us and they were going through end of nursery/school terms but despite everyone knowing they would be placed over the summer break there was no ending work done with them. Their experience of end of term is that their whole life changed and they never went back to school or friends or get to say goodbye and I know the end of term/transition to new classes has triggered stuff of fur my DD, it could well be that it’s triggered the same stuff for my DS but he’s articulating it differently.

I’ll offer lots of reassurance, do lots of future planning of the “we need to get your school uniform etc for after summer” variety and hopefully it’ll pass.

[L0UISA]

Please don’t worry, its totally normal. He’s telling you how he FEELS abou losing them , HOW he actually lost them isn’t important right now.

It’s good that he can share this with you.

And you are very insightful about the end of term triggering feelings of past losses. Nursery graduation, moving to P1, its all a big deal even to bio children . Let alone kids who have survivied such losses.

Don’t feel you need to rush in right now with the correct facts. Just hear his feelings and hold them for him, while he walks through this pain.

What happened to him is truly terrible . Just like watching your loved ones die in a car crash. It’s catastrophic. And I’m guessing that’s happened to him at least twice. Poor child.

It’s the only was he has to Describe how he feels.

You are an insightful and empathetic parent and you are doing just great.