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Considering adoption - already have one birth child

(14 Posts)
Cathedral2608 Mon 11-Jun-18 14:23:33

I am 35 and my DH is 36. We were always told we would never be able to have children due to fertility issues. We were told to go and consider a sperm donor etc. To cut a long story short we had by a miracle our BS but we had started to look into adoption before I was pregnant and the longing to adopt has never left me.

Despite the fact my BS was a complete miracle (Drs have said its unlikely to happen again) I had a horrible pregnancy with high blood pressure, prenatal depression and then post natal depression after a traumatic labour where my son nearly died and then I had a severe infection and was very poorly myself.

We always said I would never go through that again. However, now my son is older we would like to expand our family and give a child a loving, stable and fun home. My son is also desperate for a sibling. However, being pregnant again and physically giving birth (or even a C Section) is not what we desire. I am really keen any social workers don't see our desire for adoption as me thinking it is an easier way to getting a child because I don't at all. I am an ex teacher and my DH is a teacher and we have had first hand experience of children who have been adopted and all it brings for their families as they get older and deal with self esteem and other issues.

I was just wondering how likely we are to be considered and are they likely to just tell us to try for our own? When we originally looked into adoption it filled our hearts with glee and terror but then the choice was taken away when I fell pregnant but I remember saying to myself 'I will still do this for another child one day'.

It is an ache that has not gone and I like to think we would be a really lovely forever family for some little one who has not had a good start in life.

Any advice will be so gratefully received.

Thanks

Em

BangPippleGo Mon 11-Jun-18 15:40:28

In our prep groups, about half the couples/single adopters there already had a birth child. My DH already had a son and we decided to adopt rather than do ICSI (which we were given a very good chance of conceiving with). SWs will question your motives because they want to be sure you don't suddenly change your mind (one couple in our group fell pregnant weeks after their matching panel, days before they were due to start intros). But as long as you are honest about your reasons it won't hold you back at all!

universe83 Mon 11-Jun-18 15:58:26

Thanks so much smile

It really is reassuring to here others have done the same. We were also offered ICSI smile

Cassie9 Mon 11-Jun-18 17:39:26

I have one birth son (3) and one adopted child (1). I had unexplained infertlity. After failed IVF cycles I started looking at adoption. Then, like you, a little miracle out of the blue. My oh and I knew we wanted more than one child and started looking at adoption agencies rather than try for another bio child. The social workers will ask your motives but they ask every applicant that question. They won't tell you to try for another biological child, that is your choice. Having fell pregnant naturally I was asked what I was doing about contraception. It was also brought up at panel. They wanted to be sure I wouldn't fall pregnant during the process so I started using contraception. I was never made to feel having a birth child already was a negative. Good luck on your journey.

topcat2014 Mon 11-Jun-18 18:22:17

We have a birth daughter (11) and are in stage 2 for adoption.

About 1/3 of the people on our training days had birth children.

universe83 Mon 11-Jun-18 18:28:22

Thanks so much everyone smile

I am on the pill For periods anyway even though he likelihood of conceiving is unlikely so hopefully that is ok and it’s not like we are regularly at it 🙈

hidinginthenightgarden Mon 11-Jun-18 19:25:16

We have a birth child and an adopted child. Had pretty much the same fertility story as you. No one ever questioned us other than to check we were okay with not being able to have another child.

Mrscollydog Mon 11-Jun-18 19:51:31

I have a 10yr old BC and AC aged 3, been home 2 years. Similar to you on the pregnancy front as terrible BP issues, illness and Pnd meant we couldn't abd wouldn't do it again. Have 2 good friends who have also done similar. I feel like our family is complete now and that ache has been filled by my darling little diva! I itually I found it v hard as Post adoption depression hit the same as Pnd but we made it through. Life is normal and wonderful. Good luck.

Madelinea Mon 11-Jun-18 21:52:13

We have chosen adoption as a first route to having children and no one has ever asked why don't you try and have your own. We wanted to do this first and it's a personal choice. Our sibling group move in on wednesday. Good luck x

universe83 Wed 13-Jun-18 11:24:03

Thank you smile

My son has been in school one academic year now and is 5 in August so we will go for an open discussion at the end of this month and see what we feel there I think.

Ideally starting the process next year would be good for us.

catintheworld Thu 14-Jun-18 23:00:42

MrsCollyDog - do you mind me asking if the post adoption depression was because you were afraid you had made a mistake and how long it lasted and what helped you get better? I'm looking at adopting a child, have 1 BC already, but as I am single, my biggest fear is not bonding and feeling I've made a mistake and can't go back.

Mrscollydog Fri 15-Jun-18 05:54:48

I can't put my finger on exactly what it was. There was a lot of family stress and my BS was quite ill in the run up to placement. AD rejected me from the off, SW had no consideration for us or BS at all. I did feel on many occasions that we had made a mistake. In the early days, I felt like our perfect little bubble had been unceremoniously popped by this sad angry little person. I remember clearly about 2 weeks in having had a terrible day and feeling as low as I had ever my husband saying to me "there is an elephant in the room, I know you feel like we have made a mistake but we can't put her through this again" (she had already gone through a disruption). So I talked to friends, saw my GP, took the pills and started to look at the situation from her perspective. It took months for a bond to start to develop, definitely faked it a lot in the early days.
Now she is 100% my child, I love her with every fibre of my body and I couldn't distinguish any difference between the way I feel about her and BS. Our family is complete and the bubble is back in tact. Glad I am a stubborn old thing tha doesn't give up.

catintheworld Sat 16-Jun-18 15:18:15

Mrscollydog, your post brought tears to my eyes. You went through a lot and it all worked out,,it sounds a real success story. The difficulty you went through is what I am afraid of, as I would aim to never disrupt. But it is so heartening to hear that you got through it and don't distinguish any difference about how you feel.You sound amazing and I am glad your family feels a family now.

Could I ask if you think you could have coped as single parent? This is what I am considering and the fear of having noone under the same roof to help support when the going gets touch, is a worry. I'm sure there must be times when you really need space or one to one time with BC/AC and being single would make it more difficult. Knowing what you do, do you think it would have been a success story if you were singe too?

I have support but I have learned as a single parent that although there is support, it is often one step removed. People offer all sorts of support but it often doesn't get beyond words and good intentions. Perhaps I need to get better at asking for help rather than hoping the offers of help will materialise.

Family are supportive on their terms, for example if I visit them, they are a few hours away. They have their own lives. Lots of good friends but this is not the same as family, for example you can't expect friends to come and help you at 3am when you are all vomiting. Or 11pm when you are exhausted and your child is having an almighty great tantrum and you just need to walk away for a minute. This is one of the hardest aspects of single parenting. I can handle it with one. But two?

Then I remind myself there are lots of single parents out there who cope with more than one child on a daily basis. But two, with one adopted. It's a very serious decision to make.

catintheworld Sat 16-Jun-18 15:19:39

cathedral2608 - sorry I hope I have not hijacked your thread. I posted specifically about being a single parent considering a second child but didn't hear back from anyone in that situation so am following yours now as the issues are similar.

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