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Are we being fussy?(18 Posts)
Hello all - my first post ever. I have been lurking for around 7 years on ttc and then adoption boards. We have just been approved (2 weeks) and have had a lot of expressions of interest on link maker plus now our social worker passing profiles to us.
Although we have some additional needs we are clear we cannot support, we are quite open about ages and other needs, and are actively looking for 2 siblings. Since being approved I am finding “rejecting” children very difficult and feel like our reasons are not “good enough” to do so. We are rejecting perfectly lovely kids
There have been some kids we have legitimately felt we are not right for due to their needs etc, but there have also been kids where there is no good reason to say no except that we ideally are holding out for one boy and one girl or that we were hoping for slightly younger. These reasons seem so shallow and make me feel dreadful and doubtful of our choices. Initially we didn’t think we cared about gender until we decided to go for siblings but now we are drawn to profiles where there is one of each.
Do you think we are being fussy??
Thank you in advance for any replies and all the advice you have all given out over the years I’ve been reading. Your replies to others are always so kind hearted. I have often read an OP and thought they would be in for a roasting but instead they receive a round of thoughtful and non judgemental responses.
I am hoping this is an adoptive parent personality trait thing that I will develop!
No, you are not being fussy. Or rather yes you are, but correctly so.
We were approved for siblings age 0-7. looking through CWW/BMP I was always 'drawn' to 2 boys, or a boy and girl, aged around 3&6. I couldn't imagine a baby or 2 girls (I was never that girly myself).
Can you tell where this is going yet? Eventually we adopted 2 girls age 2 and 8 .
I think there is a good chance that you'll 'know' when the right ones come along. Adopting the 'wrong' children could be harmful for you and them. Just keep your mind open.
Hi OP. We too feel “fussy” and feel like we are rejection the majority of children and only expressing interest in a small number but I kind of think it’s a journey. At the start we were happy to be fussier, stuck to our plan and said no to children with backgrounds we are now open to. Then we kind of went too wide and compromised too much and drew it back in because we knew it wasn’t right for us.
We are now 7 months in and we are wondering if our “perfect” child is even out there so we have some decisions to make about how we move forward so I understand how you are feeling.
It’s very complex this family finding business, I feel like it’s a bit of a stab in the dark and it’s easy to imagine the worst of the worst scenarios and it’s frightening.
I hope this is normal and I hope this helps you know you’re not alone in how you feel.
OP - this (or these) are children you are going to have for life, so they need to be right for you.
Do not be steamrollered into doing something to keep anyone else happy
Now, I say this from the safety of being at the start of stage 2, rather than any real experience - yet.
It's so hard isn't it? We have been linked and are heading towards matching panel. I was so excited to get on link maker, and I have found it quite distressing really. What I think we found useful and attractive was a really good family finder and an invested social work team behind the children. This gives me confidence in the future and any support required. Also, with the children we are proceeding with, it really feels as if everything that is known has been put on the table and we have discussed with their team how we (as parents) can meet their needs. It's tough, and after so long in the process it was hard for us not to feel obliged through flattery that we were popular, and it became hard to work out which children would be the best match. I think you need to trust your gut instinct along with what you have learnt. But ask me in a few years, and I'll let you know how accurate my gut instinct was!! Good luck xx
Having to say no to children is heartbreaking but if they are not right for you, then you are not right for them either - and their parent(s) is still out there waiting for them.
You'll know when you know. We only had to turn down one baby. There were some minor health concerns, but I also didn't like his name and didn't feel anything when I saw his photo. I'm sure he is the most delightful little boy and I recently asked my SW if they had found a family for him yet and they have!
I first saw my now DS as an early profile - no picture or name just basic info. But i felt such a pull towards him, as did my DH. He was linked (and then matched) with another family but when we saw this other profile, the fact that we felt nothing, compared to what we had felt with now DS early profile, spoke volumes.
Luckily I made sure the family finder knew that if ANYTHING went wrong with the match for the little boy I knew was meant to be ours, to please keep us in mind. I said this three times between August and October - and then the match fell through and he was living with us by January.
You will know when you know and you ARE allowed to be fussy.
Firstly congratulations on being approved.
Here's where it gets really tough.
You neex to be realistic, its perfectly ok to have 'criteria' ( horrible word but no real alternative) but the more specific you are, the longer you may have to wait. SWs can't magic up children of the right gender, number and age. They will turn up, but it might take some time.
And you have only been approved for two weeks ! It can take months.
But try and stay open minded. I was adament I didnt want an eight year old boy with autism. Guess who was the perfect match ...an eight year old boy with autism who rocked up into my life six years ago
So, how many times can you say no to a match before they "give up" on you ?
Cycling we were told by numerous SWs that they would rather you "turn down" 100 children who aren't right for you, than accept one of them. But I don't know how their minds really work of course! But they spoke as if it was an art, a skill, and the more you could vocalise why each child wasn't right, the easier it would be to fine tune their skills and find the right one.
So I would assume you would only have to say no to a small number before they stop approaching you about certain children, which means a longer wait.
Over 10 years ago now, but it took 15 months for us to get our match. We had 4 near misses along the way. Took friends 2 years. Hang in there, and go on lots of 'last holidays'.
I remember a good friend, who is also a children and family social worker, saying “the process is hard enough, the placement will be hard enough so be as selective as you can be at matching”. She supported us to really think about why these children and not those ones, particularly with older kids there are often significant challenges inherent in the level of disruption they’ve experienced so look for kids that will fit what you can offer - whatever that is.
It’s easy to be tempted to go older, younger, accept known needs that you had previously excluded but these children will be yours forever - you need to be able to parent them and build a family with them at its heart so be as picky as you need to be.
We were matched 8 months after approval with a boy and girl sibling pair who were exactly right for us. There were a fair few we didn’t consider but we weren’t destined to be their parents.
I think its right to be very careful about the sorts of conditions or issues you think you could manage, but a little flexibilty doesn't do any harm either. After all - if you were having birth children you couldn't choose a boy or a girl - you get what you're given.
About age, remember that adopted children tend to be much younger emotionally. My nearly 8 year old still wanted and needed a lot of babying and nurturing, and there were still plenty of 'firsts' to experience. At nearly 14, he still needs a lot of nurture.
If I'd stuck rigidly to my criteria I wouldn't have my wonderful son. I always wanted an older child, but I was thinking 5 or 6, not 8 ! But the more I found out, the more I saw it was as perfect a match as you could hope for.
Remember that enquiring about a child does not commit you to anything, and matching is an art, not a science
Thank you all so much for the replies - you have made me feel very reassured and also given me a few chuckles. Thank you for the advice to trust our guts and the reassurance we will “know” as this is what I was hoping but wasn’t sure if it was real! Also wonderful advice to really think about and vocalise the reasons for our choices so our social worker knows more about what we are looking for. We are definitely likely to keep our minds open...we’ve already expanded our criteria significantly since we first entered the process nearly 2 years ago for “one perfectly developing 0 year old please”
We have been on two “last” holidays...but perhaps it is time for another!!!
Thank you all so much
Be "fussy". Linkmaker will see you getting lots of interest from social workers if you've said you're open to siblings. It's hard to see all those children and not feel guilty if you're turning them down but you need to be as close to 100% sure as possible when you do move forward because even with the right match life is going to get hard (I say this as someone who spent the first year crying every day). To go ahead out of a sense of guilt or something will bring so many problems and could even lead to a breakdown of the placement. Good luck OP!
@DashOfMagic good luck on your journey. I agree with all these great comments..
I especially agree with @Sanders. "Adopting the 'wrong' children could be harmful for you and them. Just keep your mind open."
Be ready to change if and when it feels right.
(I wanted a girl, we adopted a boy. He is right for us and we are right for him.)
We knew with our son without a photo, we just read his long profile and I thought there was nothing there to put me off.If you are looking for reasons to say no, I think, it's a no. If you are looking for reasons to say yes, I think, it's a yes.
Two children of the same sex might bond well and have a special connection or might fight a lot. I'be got one of each and a big gap, birth dd a teenager and adopted son on year 3. Adoption does allow you some choices and you should use your choices to make this journey as easy as possible because lots of things will be hard.
Thanks Italian this is a good gut test I think.
“If you are looking for reasons to say no, I think, it's a no. If you are looking for reasons to say yes, I think, it's a yes.”
We are currently waiting on more info about a possible link which is completely different in age, number and gender from what I said above, but you guys were right, the draw was there anyway!
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