Please help me!

[Hachiman]

Hi, im totally new to all of this and I'm sorry if i word things badly but I really need some advice! Firstly I'm a Dad I have a little girl who is 4 and she is the love of my life. We have just had a son which was the result of bad contraception and my wife not showing whilst pregnant so we had to idea until it was to late! I make very little money and even with one child we struggle and I can't stop thinking wouldn't it be better for him to go to a family that can support him and are desperate to adopt! I can't stand the thought of us all living in poverty because of how stretched we now are! He is only a few day old and I have not discussed this with my wife yet but I needed to talk to someone, am I crazy or just a bad person? Please help ? I just want what's best for everyone and I'm so worried x

[Noseyposey1]

Sounds like this has all come as a bit of a shock and I think some time to process it all is understandable. What about going to see the citizens advice bureaux for some financial advice, make sure your claiming everything your entitled to. Reducing any outgoings etc. They are brilliant and a meeting with them may alleviate your fears. Best of luck.

[PicaK]

You sound overwhelmed. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life. The NCT helpline is for all new parents and people go through these kind of worries.
0300 330 0700
To answer your question though - if you can feed them, keep them warm, support them getting to school on time and love them then i think the answer every time will be that they are much, much better off with you.

[Ted27]

You are neither bad nor crazy, you do sound like you are panicing. Take a deep breath.

Then get some financial advice, check you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to Your Child benefit will go up, not much but its something. If you are on a low income I assume you will be getting tax credits which should increase.

Focus on the present, babies don't need fancy, new stuff, they need feeding, keeping warm, love. Honestly, your son is far better off with you.

Then think about the long term, maybe you could think about how to improve your earning potential, get some training, look for a better job.
You can't just hand over a baby for adoption anyway, I think a social worker would say pretty much the same things to you.
You sound like a lovely, caring daddy who wants the best for his babies, I think you will figure it out. Good luck, and congratulations on your son

[flapjackfairy]

Firstly you need to discuss this with your wife ! What does she think ?

[Ted27]

I agree you need to discuss your financial worries with your wife.

I would be very careful about suggesting adoption as a way of dealing with your problems. I imagine she could be devasted that you would be even thinking this - what would that do to your relationship?

[Italiangreyhound]

@Hachiman you sound incredibly stressed and I wonder if a chat to your GP might help, you might want the chance to talk to someone about the financial pressure you are under.

I agree with all the other posters your son is better off with you, his mum and his sister.

I say that as a parent with a birth daughter and an adopted son.

IMHO you need to write down the suggestions here, evaluate them honestly and go through step by step.

Asking advice 're benefits, work, etc, talking to your wife about how stressed you feel. I would imagine giving up your new born baby will not be on her horizon so I think you need to be very careful what you say to her.

My friend is currently in very dire financial problems. They are heavily in debt. She has managed to talk to a debt management organisation, a charity, which has advised her. All the family are getting jobs to help, they have looked at their budget for food and stuff, it has been very tough.But they are altogether and would not be apart.

Honestly, the best place for your son is with his family. But you need help, advice etc, and support.

Will your wife be able to work in the future? Do you have support from your own parents/in laws/siblings etc?

You are not a bad person, you are a brilliant dad who really cares. It does come across in your brief post. You are articulate and caring.

And it goes without saying - look into the contraception thing quickly.

[Italiangreyhound]

Please get support. Adopters are delighted to adopt children, but our children were mostly taken into care because their parents could not prioritize their needs.

I think you can, and will, pull through.

Keep talking if it helps.

[cibi2018]

Discuss this with your wife....

[Snowysky20009]

I just wantes to say you don't sound like a bad dad at all. You sound like a loving, caring dad who's thinking through solutions for what would be best for your child.
Look through and work through the advice above first before making a rash decisions. Good Luck.