Relationship issues during process

[Chr15tm4]

DH and I have just started stage 2 of the adoption process. We’ve got through years of infertility, invasive treatments etc and we’ve hung on in there together. We’ve always said one of the silver linings of all the struggles with infertility is how strong we are together and how our fertility problems have made us closer than ever and we’ve been proud of how it’s strengthened our marriage and commitment.

Recently we’ve started to argue about just about everything. We can’t seem to go a day without at least one falling out. It started as bickering and can now be a full blown row with shouting, swearing and slamming doors. We both seem to have become really stubborn.

DH feels we should nip it in the bud quickly and go and see relationship counsellor. Im open to it but I feel pressure of the assessment is making us more prone to mood swings and short tempers. I also think the dynamic shift from fertility treatments that were all focussed on me to a focus on us as a couple has also caused some of this and that we can settle into this new position if we work on it between us.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced relationship issues starting during the process, whether you went for counselling or therapy and whether it was helpful for you?

I’m really worried this will be viewed negatively in our assessment and could impact on SS’s view of our relationship and our ability to be adoptive parents. I also know that add a child with a difficult start in life into things as they are now could be toxic for them so we need to find a way to work through this.

[Italiangreyhound]

I honestly do not know what you should do for the best but in your shoes I would seek some counselling.

You are making it sound like it's mutual. Are you both slamming doors and swearing and shouting? Because if that is the case, can you work on your responses?

I've got two children, one is adopted (and not too much bother) one is a birth child on the autistic spectrum. Today dd was really rude and unkind to me (long story, all OK now). I had a massive urge to shout at her, but I managed to control it. And now is all OK.

Shouting, swearing and slamming doors could feel devastating for any child, so you need to work on your skills in this area together.

I know you will say when little one arrives we won't be shouting, swearing and slamming doors, but to be honest you need to make the changes now ready for when little one comes.

Adoption puts different stresses on people (so does fertility treatment), so it is understandable, and it doesn't mean anything bad, it just means you do need to sort this out.

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

DD is the birth child.

[clairedelalune]

You've been through an awful lot over the years; the adoption process on top of that is hardly a walk in the park either. If i were you, i would ask to take a break from process for a bit and regroup. It sounds like you have spent many years focusing on becoming parents, which is very normal, but maybe you need a break from it and for it not to be the thing you are focusing on all the time. Because once you are approved you then start again for the matching. And then the intros, placement and applying to court.The whole thing is totally emotionally draining and it sounds like you could both just do with some time that isn't focusing on becoming parents. Therapy might fit into there too, but removing the adoption pressure for the moment could help you decide what is needed.

[Chr15tm4]

Thank you so much. I agree we may need to take a break. We did have a lovely long break between our last treatment and applying for adoption so we could be sure we’d focussed on ourselves, we enjoyed it so much we extended it. I think this reaction and impact on our relationship has shocked us both. When we’re not bickering things are great and it’s like another couple we don’t know or like invade our house a couple of times a day and we’re both bewildered by where they care from!

[Chr15tm4]

The other thing I didn’t add is that in terms of adoption we’re both really on board, excited and as realistic as I think we can be about it. That’s one thing area we are in complete agreement with. The arguments tend to come out of one of us taking something the other said the wrong way or as a criticism. I’m able to stay calm which DH finds infuriating so he accuses me of being passive aggressive and smug and then he’ll goad and goad until I react and match his anger levels. I apologise for losing my cool and then things diffuse. It’s really unhealthy and over so fast it can feel like we imagined it even happened! X

[Italiangreyhound]

@Chr15tm4 has he done this type of thing before?

[Chr15tm4]

No, it seems to be a new thing. We’ve had arguments before of course but not like this. The arguments are way disproportionate to the cause and we both recognise that. I think he’s struggling to cope with the pressure. He’s usually really kind, gentle, easy going and patient which is why this is such a curve ball for us both. I think he’s shocked himself tbh.

[Chr15tm4]

I’ve also made clear that when I apologise I’m not taking responsibility for the whole thing, just my part in it as initially I think he thought my apology was me taking the blame and him let off the hook

[bridensausage]

It sounds like slight PTSD - is it possible that you were both so focused on being together and supportive of each other while ttc, you had feelings which you didn't want to burden the other person with, which you bottled up? Or bottled up feelings for other reasons, and that even though you are both positive about adoption they are coming out now?

If other than this blip you are confident in yourself and confident in your partner in relation to adoption and being a parent, then it might be a good idea for you both to seek counselling independently for a bit, just to give you both a chance to talk about anything which may be bottled up? Things may then ease between you, or you could try counselling together afterwards?

Please don't see it as toxic, it sounds completely understandable that you have negative emotions after what you have been through, and you could let it go before a child came on the scene.

[Chr15tm4]

Yes, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. He said this morning that he’s so used to being my rock and supporting me that now he’s having all these big emotions himself that he doesn’t know how to deal with or how to ask me for support himself.

[Italiangreyhound]

"He said this morning that he’s so used to being my rock and supporting me that now he’s having all these big emotions himself that he doesn’t know how to deal with or how to ask me for support himself"

Ask him to get some counselling to work on this. When you were both going through fertility treatment the end goal was the same as adoption, a child. Of he is now struggling he needs to work out why and get help.

Knowing when/how/why/where to get help is a big part of parenting and especially of adoption - so even this experience will not be wasted if he can learn from it.

[babba2014]

I'm sorry to hear about your rough journey.
I'm not an adopted but my best friend was adopted and mt siblings were going to adopt too so I can't understand your position but I can give advice just as a parent.

My DH and I are/were incredibly close. After we had our first we had the common bickering for a year due to answer tiredness and of course it go better but we have a second and the bickering started much later over the silliest of things and you just want to be your old normal self.

However with kids you can't be your old self. Just a new version. I know that adopters have it really hard with all the trauma that comes with it which might not even seem apparent at first but it's there. If I can feel broken as a birth parent then I really can't imagine how it would feel with even more stress, less time, not having time as a couple really etc etc.

I would say really do work on how you can find a way to communicate better as having a little chat here and there can really mend things but as parents you will need to do that a lot more often.

For some, becoming a parent fixes a lot but I've seen that for most it brings up more bickering and it is a real challenge to try and keep recouping all the time.

Be there for each other as you are, talk and keep talking about why you are feeling like this and what you can do to make each other feel better.

[Italiangreyhound]

Adoption assessment for a couple is usually very equal. Both parties equally 'scrutinised'. When you underwent fertility treatment could it be your dh saw that as something 'happening to you' but adoption assessment is 'happening' to you both equally.

Could it be this that is causing some stress for him.

[Chr15tm4]

Thanks babba, you’ve really helped me to normalise this and realise we’re not alone. It’s a huge life event so of course we’re bound to have some fall out and upheaval.

Italian greyhound, you’ve summed it up perfectly. He had a very clear supporting role of chief hand holder, tea maker and tear wiper over the last 7 years. Now he’s just as under the spotlight as me so I’d imagine it’s a strange feeling

Thanks so much to everyone for all their kind words. I think we’ll have a chat about taking time out. We need to be in the best position we can before we bring any other tiny humans into the fold x

[Chr15tm4]

(Don’t know why I said ‘Any other’ implies we already have kids and we dont!)