Please please don't have a go, I would like some support so if you can't do that please don't comment...
We are on day 6 of LO being with us. He is great, sleeps for 11 hours a night, has a morning and afternoon nap, and is generally a happy baby. I feel lucky to have him, and want to look after him and love him.
But that's the issue, I worry that I won't ever 'love' him, I want to protect him but I'm struggling with the 'maternal' instinct.... I see friends with their kids, and read on forums about how other people love their kids from day one (adopted and birth) and worry that I just don't have that.....and that I won't ever get it....
I feel tearful every other day, I'll be fine one day but the next feel that I can't do it, that I won't be able to cope on my own (my OH is off work for 6 months now but has things coming up, like a stag weekend in June).
I feel awful and embarrassed about how I feel, that I've wanted this for so long, have got an amazing little boy, yet seem so ungrateful.
My OH has been great, very patient and is taking on a lot of the childcare when I feel like this. I then feel bad for him.
My friends have been great, I have been messaging them with how I feel and they say it's normal (I get now why having the support network is so important in this process), but I don't know how to 'fix' how I feel. Will it come with time? Do I need to be more hands on? Or should I take a back seat a little, observe my OH but still be there in the room etc?
Is this feeling normal, as right now I feel totally overwhelmed and that I can't do it and am a total ungrateful monster...
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Day 6 in placement and I feel like a monster....
howmanyusernames · 26/04/2018 13:39
After 12 years trying to conceive we adopted. It was absolutely what we wanted and we're now 2 years into it and have we just been approved for a 2nd time.
My DS was nearly 4 when he came home and I think for a long time it felt like a project, or that we were looking after him for someone else. I loved him in a way, and wanted the best for him but I cant say I felt the overwhelming love that people speak of. My evening 
consumption certainly went up!!
Like you I now have a lovely child with no issues to speak of, but I'd say it's only in the last 6 months that he feels part of us and I've realised that I'm fiercely protective of him. But I still dont feel 'maternal' as such. I dont know if I would have in any circumstances, I'm not a hugely gushy person and tend to be more practical.
You're not an ungrateful monster. You've just had an enormously life changing event that no amount of courses and training can prepare you for.
Please try be kind to yourself and allow yourself to get used to this new dynamic.
Remember to still do things for you, it really will keep you sane (ish)
x
No having a go from me. About four years ago I was exactly on your place. I felt like a baby sitter not a mum, saw a cute baby but not my son and was waiting for that overwhelming rush of love other adopters gushed about. I was sure I must be basically unmaternal and unwomanly. And then I felt overwhelming guilt that I had everything I wanted, why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I grateful?
And I never spoke up as I was so ashamed and scared he would be taken away.
And four years later I am finally having counselling having been diagnosed with post adoptive depression. The symptoms are almost identical to PND only people ‘get’ PND and have rarely heard of PAD
FWIW I think with me the bond came gradually. The first time he was ill. The first time a stranger said he looked like me. The first time he fell and looked for me 
Please keep sharing with your partner and friends they clearly are you here for you. Don’t end up like me!
Also - even for birth parents, many of us don't experience a rush of love, especially with our first child. It's such an alien experience to care for a child. With DD1 i used to worry like you did that deep down I didn't care for her the way my more demonstrative friends did, and genuinely had no idea how much I loved her until she was nearly four months old and rushed to hospital on oxygen with sirens blaring and I found myself promising god that I'd honestly be totally ok if he took me, so long as she ended up fine 
Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. You don't have to be posting Instagrams full of love, or spending every moment gushing over dimples - for a young child you can show caring and establish a bond through actions, an extra gentle touch in the bath, spending time to prepare nutritious and tasty food, listening carefully when he talks or makes sounds, taking the time to find out what types of toy he loves, snuggle together on the sofa to listen to music, read a book, or watch TV. Hope you have lots of support and congratulations on your new arrival x
These feeling can be PAD, or PND if it's a birth child, but I had them with both adopted and birth, and I know it's just me. I'm not an Ana. I take time to fall in love, and that's ok. It can be a sign of depression, or it can just be a personality thing.
Oh heck, this. I didn’t mean to imply you have depression but just to be aware as I didn’t even know it was a ‘thing.’ My issues didn’t just spring up from intros there was far more behind it too.
One other aspect of feeling you can’t bond is a self preservation thing too I think. We’d had so many set backs and delays I couldn’t believe I finally had a child and was just waiting for it all to go horribly wrong and they’d realise they’d made a mistake picking us.
FWIW I’m not an Ana either. DH had his work cut out to land me 
All totally totally normal.
I was not sure if I could ever love my adopted son as much as my birth daughter, but I do. Honestly, it takes time.
It's the little things you do for him, and with them, that lead the way. So share the tasks with your dh, don't feel he needs to take over.
We have a saying here, Fake it 'til you make it.
BEFORE I saw your post I was looking at this...
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychology-writers/201210/using-self-fulfilling-prophecies-your-advantage
It is so true, just act in a loving way and it will come.
Thank you everyone, it really means a lot!
So tonight OH had to pop out for a couple of hours 
I had to feed LO, entertain him after, do bath time, bottle and put him to bed! All on my own and without OH even being in the house! Eeek!
And I did it!
He only got a bit grumpy after story time (maybe I'm a terrible reader?!) but I walked into the kitchen and just talked about what each thing was.....'This is the sink where I wash up, this is the cooker where I make your food, this is the microwave when Mummy is feeling lazy.....'!
He fell asleep in my arms after his bottle, so I put him to bed (30 mins too early but he didn't have an afternoon nap and was up in the night, and so what!). He's asleep now!
I did it! I didn't kill him, he didn't grizzle too much, and I gave him a bath on my own!
It will come, please don't worry 
I think the first few weeks (well actually I think until the AO is granted) are so difficult because you have so many external people involved in your life (sws, lac reviews etc etc) all throwingtheir differing advice at you, that you are almost made to feel that you are not doing it right. I am of the lucky ones who did get it right at the beginning but I remember distinctly, for the first ten mins on first day of intros feeling a bit non-plussed and then suddenly something kicked in and I had an internal moment of 'hang on a sec, this is my child, screw the lot of them (even tho everyone was very lovely)' and didn't look back. I think it is very hard when you are constantly having ti justify yourself as a parent, almost like you feel that you are not allowed to love them.
Plus you must be blooming knackered. Xxx
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Yeah okay, he slept 6:30pm - 7:10am so me and my OH had a good nights sleep!
We went out this morning for a long walk, then came back for lunch and he's been a bit grizzly and won't go down for his afternoon nap......but we've got him up now as we don't want him to get distressed. Hopefully it might mean a long sleep again tonight if he isn't having one now!
You could be me! I had a rough couple of months, my husband was worried I would never bond. Dd was lovely and settled well but I felt empty and bloody scared of her. I remember having to walk away every time she cried or grumbled as I thought I’d cry.
I went to the doctors and they gave me anti depressants. She even pointed out I could “give dd back”. I was horrified!
Then dh became very ill and I had no choice but to look after her. It was hard but it helped.
Try to do a little more each day. Everyday I slowly fed her more or bathed her. I couldn’t put her to bed for a long time (felt so anxious). 2years later and I still feel guilty for how I felt. However she is my shadow now and I can tell you that, very slowly, she became my own. I love the very bones of her, more than I thought possible.
If you don’t improve please see the doctor. What you are feeling is common. Try to do a bit more caring everyday. You will get there
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