Hello all
I'm afraid this is a bit of a long story, but rather than drip feeding want to put it all out there.
I'm 37 and DH is 46. We have had 3 rounds of IVF with no success. We are just about to complete out 4th and final IVF, but are not really hopeful as I have appallingly low quality eggs.
We have discussed adoption before and have been to an information evening, but the more I read about adoption the more scared I became about the potential issues of children in care and really went off the idea.
We've just returned from holiday with Sister, BIL and their 3 year old daughter. Whilst it was full on with Niece, we had a really fabulous time and really enjoyed having DN around us. She has so much energy and makes us laugh all of the time.
Although we did enjoy our time away it did come at a very tragic time in our family. In December our other DN died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at 16 months old. We have all been devastated by this as you can imagine. I still cry every single day at her sudden and cruel loss and I'm just her Auntie. I honestly don't know how her parents are coping, but they are doing amazingly and are such an inspiration. Our older Niece has saved their sanity I'm sure.
So after this holiday DH has said that if our 4th IVF doesn't work he definitely wants to explore adoption again. He said he saw a glimpse of what our life could be like whilst away with DN and feels like we would be happy just us two and our beloved pooch but feels we could have so much more.
I agree with him but my goodness I'm terrified. Whenever I'm scared about something I tend to push it to the back of my mind and focus on other things. I suppose its self preservation or something like that.
I suppose I've read too many horror stories (there aren't many people who post to say you know what we're just a normal family with normal problems), the only stories you tend to read are the ones where people are struggling massively.
I'm scared and confused, I look around at all of our family & friends and want what they have, but I suppose each others path is different to their destination.
Did anyone else feel this scared about deciding to adopt?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Scared and Confused
bridgetjones1 · 26/03/2018 10:08
When you start the journey you will be given a lot of information, and I found most of it quite negative, but I think that's more to prepare you for the worst. I did a lot of reading online, on forums, and yes there are terrible stories but also lots of really positive ones.
There is a high risk an adopted child will have some issues - medical, attachment, trauma etc - but in training you are made aware of these.
The process is very frustrating at times, and they look into every aspect of your lives - health, finances, home etc - and your DN death will be something that will be investigated at length, just to make sure you are mentally ready to take on an adopted child. You could get asked to go to counselling and things be put on hold, so prepare yourself for this, but it also would probably do you the world of good to do this.
You would also need to have a break of 6 months after your last IVF cycle before starting the adoption journey, but this could also be a good healing time after your DN death.
We have just been matched with a 7 month old, we've been told there's no medical 'issues' but we also know down the line things might surface. It's the risk you take, but you do that with a birth child. Recently a family member child was diagnosed with cancer, and also my best friends teenager, but as parents you deal with it, which you would do with an adopted child.
Good luck! 
PS @bridgetjones1 I am so sorry about your niece. Being upset is totally normal. Please do avail yourself of any free therapy care of the clinic and perhaps see a counselor aside from that, specifically for grief.
Grief is a big factor for some people in adoption. There is potentially the grief of not having a birth child or not adopting exactly the kind of child you had expected to have (by you I mean anyone).
There can be obvious grief in the life of the child who has lost at least one birth parent (sometimes knowingly two and of course, two in reality), potentially at least two foster carers, or more, potentially birth or foster siblings and additional adults such as grandparents or the parents of their foster carers, and potentially other child who briefly lived with the child.
These griefs may not all be as sharp as each other or as clear and easily identifiable as the loss of your niece is to you or to her immediate family.
So one thing that your getting counselling, about your experience of grief, will do is to enable you to understand, move through, move on etc. You will need to stand up to and experiencing potentially strong emotions from your child (to be).
Having worked through your side of grief, and any feelings of loss you have, will make it easier to handle any the child has. I am sorry if this is all really obvious.
The social workers will understand that things upset you, they will want to see you have worked through things. I cried about our secondary infertility issues when I met our social worker. But I was able to regain my composure and carry on talking and actually I think my response was normal.
Your response to the loss of a beloved niece sounds very normal and I am sure social workers would understand this.
Thank you all so much for your lovely replies.
You have all made great valid points about the counselling/therapy and it is something that I will look into. I think it would help enormously with all of our grief, IVF and our darling niece. Some days I just can't believe that she is gone. My DH is doing a half marathon to raise money for SIDS, I sent out an email to a select handful of work colleagues yesterday to ask for sponsorship and I was blubbing again, just writing that email set me off 
We're off to our IVF clinic tonight to see the consultant. As this next round is already paid for we're going ahead with it, but I'm definitely not pinning all of my hopes on this, but I definitely see that we have options whichever way we decide to proceed.
@DLouise2004 - I'm so sorry that your final IVF failed but pleased that you're positively moving onto adoption. I wish you every luck for the future xxxxx
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