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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

All a bit nerve-wracking

16 replies

VixenAbroad · 21/03/2018 13:09

I was adopted as a baby and always knew my history and some basic details about my birth parents. TBH although of course I was curious I did not have any burning desire to meet them not least because the story as I knew it was that they met while my BM was over in the UK for work, had a brief fling (BF was a student) of which I was the result.

I did occasionally try to search for them but their surnames are very common and it seemed likely my BM had moved back overseas.

Completely by chance a few months ago (I'm now in my 40s) I discovered that in fact they had married in the UK about a year after I was born. It turned out they had both moved overseas a couple of years after I was born.

Local children's services were incredibly helpful and said they would find out what they could for me but of course couldn't promise anything but at the end of last week they got in touch with an actual address.

Its a really peculiar feeling after not knowing for years if they were alive to think they have been (presumably) happily married all this time and living on the other side of the world. I have no idea yet whether they had any other children.

Of course I have spent the last couple of days composing a letter which I hope sounds friendly and interested but not needy or obsessive and yesterday plucked up the courage and posted it off.

Now I have a huge feeling of having burnt my boats and am wondering if I should have got in touch another way but the time difference makes phoning tricky and the thought of ringing them up out of the blue (and they are in their seventies after all) seemed really unfair. I had to give my address as I don't think they are on email and felt I had to give my phone number rather than just expecting them to use snail mail but am now wondering if I should have done that after all...I won't get a reply till next week at the very earliest and of course may not get anything at all.

Anyway, sorry for the terribly long initial post and thank you for any help and support you may be able to give.

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iamnotstinky · 21/03/2018 18:10

That sounds very nerve wracking!! I hope it all turns out very well for you. Do you have things to keep yourself occupied with in the meantime?

2old2beamum · 21/03/2018 18:34

Hi I really wish you all the luck in the world and I can understand your fears. I tried to contact my BM when I was 50. Stupidly I did it myself, I found her wrote a very cheerful positive letter. The reply I had broke my heart telling me not to contact her again she had no wish for any contact. She dumped me when I was 7 years, it was less upsetting then!
You are so wise to get childrens services involved, they will help protect your emotions.
Good luck and be strong!

VixenAbroad · 21/03/2018 18:49

Thanks for the kind words both of you and yes luckily I have plenty to keep me busy - I know its totally illogical to think that a few days is going to make any difference after 40-odd years but now my letter is out there it does feel as if a clock is ticking.

I am (theoretically) prepared for any or no response from them but I obviously would like it to be positive. However its definitely a good feeling to know about them - the rest is up to them! Thanks again and I will keep you posted if anything happens.

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thomassmuggit · 21/03/2018 18:50

Try not to over think, you've done the logical thing. It sounds nerve wracking indeed! Hope you get a response soon, and that feelings are manageable.

monkeytoad35 · 21/03/2018 20:10

Good luck. I hope you hear the positive response that you would like to hear soon

mamoosh · 22/03/2018 09:08

You sound like a very kind and considerate person. Sending a letter allows them time to gather their thoughts and emotions as opposed to a phone call. I hope you hear back soon. Bear in mind that if you don’t hear them, this could be due to their having developed health issues rather than anything related to adoption.

Virtually holding your hand for you. Let us know how it goes.

Kewcumber · 22/03/2018 10:18

Nerve-wracking?! Good lord I'd be a gibbering wreck!

Have you discussed this with anyone in real life?

VixenAbroad · 22/03/2018 10:42

You are all so kind - thank you - it makes the wait much easier! Its good to hear you think a letter was the right approach.

Kewcumber, my DH knows and is supportive but I have not told my adoptive mother - she is elderly and would find it difficult.

I may well be a gibbering wreck if I get a response - when the email with their contact details came through it was such an adrenaline rush I felt like I'd had a kick in the pants!

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Kewcumber · 22/03/2018 10:55

It's a shame your AMum would find it difficult. It may be a generational thing but us "modern" adopters I suppose have gone into it more accepting of the fact that our childrne may be able to find their birth parents.

I would want to support DS if he were ever able to connect with birth family - it's part of being a parent and a part I took on knowingly. But as I said older adopters maybe signed up for a different reality.

It's good that you have your DH to talk to at least.

VixenAbroad · 22/03/2018 11:04

Thanks Kewcumber. If anything happens then I will probably involve her and I think if they turn out to be lovely people then she will probably be fine with it but realistically its a lot of what ifs and emotional upheaval which may all be for nothing so I thought it was better to wait and see.

Your DS sounds like a very lucky chap and its true that times have changed - for the better I think.

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VixenAbroad · 09/04/2018 08:55

Well its been 3 weeks since I sent my letter off and as time went on I was beginning to wonder if the lack of response meant that it had been unwelcome. I was getting myself prepared for the fact that I might not be able to make contact with them after all but then opened my email this morning to find a lovely, warm, friendly email from my mother explaining why she had not got back to me earlier.

It makes me glad I didn't ring as they have a houseful of family visiting for several weeks and it would have been an incredibly difficult call BUT we are going to speak to each other as soon as they have the house to themselves again.

Till then we can email each other which will be a great way to start getting to know one another, I hope. I was so pleased with her email - it couldn't have been better, makes me really hopeful that we will can build a good relationship going forward.

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flapjackfairy · 09/04/2018 10:37

Oh thats great. Glad things are looking promising so far. It must be such a scary surreal experience for you . Good luck moving forward with it all x

mamoosh · 09/04/2018 15:01

Ooo that’s great. Feeling happy for you. Let us know how it goes.

VixenAbroad · 09/04/2018 16:20

Definitely surreal and thanks for the good wishes - fingers crossed...

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VixenAbroad · 30/04/2018 08:06

You were so supportive last time I posted that I wanted to give you an update...

I had my first video call with them a week ago - I was very nervous beforehand but thank goodness for FaceTime as it was brilliant call, they were fantastic, warm, funny, and it felt as if we had known each other for years - I suppose we had in a way but for a first conversation it was pretty magical.

Since then we have emailed photos to each other and I've found out lots more about the sister and 2 brother - not to mention 6 additional nieces and nephews - that I did not know I had till a few weeks ago!

We had another long video call this weekend - we spoke for more than 2 hours and they met my DH as well - he hates video calls but managed an hour and a half on this one and thought they were great; he is a hard guy to please so that meant a lot

I am not normally a particularly emotional person but have this warm glow in my heart every time I think of them and can't wait to get to know them better. We are even planning to fly over and meet them in a few months time - so exciting!

I just wanted to share this as so many adoption reunion stories are bittersweet or disappointing. I was fully prepared - or at least I tried to be - for them to be uninterested in contact or equally for them to be too intense or for us to have nothing in common but its been the most wonderful experience so far.

They have said too that for years my adoption was too painful for them to speak about so its been a taboo subject between them, which must have been very hard. In fact my birth father tried to find me but had not told my birth mother until she told him about my letter to them. He had been praying that I would be able to find them, apparently. They have described our reunion as very healing for them, which is lovely.

Anyway, thank you all for your support at a nerve-wracking time and I hope you enjoy the happy-so-far-ending as much as I am doing

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Italiangreyhound · 02/05/2018 03:02

This is brilliant, so pleased for you.

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