How best to tell older step/kids our plans ??

[Shannonlynn]

Hello,

We are now half way through stage one and incredibly excited about the prospect of adopting. :)

My husband has biological children.. aged 15, 11 and 10 which we see regularly. They are aware that we would like children but are not aware of our 4 year battle, nor IVF, nor our miscarriage leading up to adoption.

We are yet to tell the children about our plan to adopt, due to wanting to do this when they are with us for a longer period of time, instead of over a short weekend. We have them for half of Easter half term so plan on telling them at this point. Have you any suggestions on how to do this? How much to tell them etc etc? I am happy to consider and listen to any advise out there.

The children’s mother is not going to be happy and we preempt her being poisoning towards the kids minds on this. I can guarantee their mothers disapproval will be what they think of within the first few seconds of telling them, which is sad. She has more children so they are already a family of 7 children, having a further brother/sister isn’t really a special event for them. We are planning on being incredibly positive like this is a celebration, which it very much is. Thank This is great news for us and we are looking forward to adding to our family. However it’s always what if in my mind, there is no reason why we wouldn’t get through this process but it’s still scary. Their mother can’t and won’t stop this process, but I am concerned for her children with this as she will not be in favour, we think that she will find it funny that we can’t have children and will potentially be very mean about it all. Which will ultimately result in hurting, confusing and angering my step kids.

Any advise on how to tell the kids and how much to tell the kids at this point etc would be useful... they are kids but they are not stupid at the end of the day. They are at an awkward age where they think about things and have many questions, they aren’t going to settle to unanswered questions but then again, there is lots they don’t need to know but I don’t want to lie. Any advise would be great and very much appreciated.

[Italiangreyhound]

I've not been in the situation. However, we have a birth DD so did go through this to some extent with her.

Personally, I'd make sure the kids know a few facts and ensure they can feel the positive impact of them, e.g.

It's not their decision to make (so they don't need to give consent) but you do want to work things out in the best way to ensure the kids are not negatively impacted.

They will see plenty of you and their dad.

This isn't about their mum, they don't need tell her anything but they don't need to keep secrets either, you will tell their mum any relevant facts.

Their mum sounds a horribe piece of work!

People sometimes like to emphasise that adopted children are special because they are chosen. However, with birth kids on the mix I don't think this works.

I think better to say all children are special, however they join the family.

Hopefully, the kids will see their mum's shitty attitude for what it is.

Good luck.

[Sisterlove]

My DB is going through the adoption process with my SIL. Like your DH, he has 3 bio children from his previous marriage. His DC are all teens - mid to late.

SS have interviewed his kids about the adoption. They have also asked for his Ex wife's details to speak to her in connection with the adoption. He didnt want her knowing his business.

It's just that you said his Ex won't be happy. I'm not sure if this is standard procedure, but I thought I'd let you know they may want to speak to her. It's a very intrusive process.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hopefully social services are well used to bitter ex partners and will weigh any comments wisely.

[topcat2014]

Try not to build it up into a 'special event', in case it falls flat.

My DD is still struggling opposed to the idea of us adopting, and that is a bit hard to take.

Just get the idea out there in a matter of fact kind of way. Good idea to do it over Easter though, rather than hurriedly on a Sunday evening as they return etc.

[JustHappy3]

I think one of the first things to do would actually be to tell them about your journey so far, how sad it's made you both and how hard it's been. And stop there. They will be sad for you. They probably need to process that first. And you need to be able to talk to children about sad stuff - especially adopted ones. You need to be clear about still loving them even tho you want another child etc etc. You don't want to feel there are big secrets in your life.
And when they've got their heads round that (prob weeks) then they can be told about adoption.
I hope it goes well for you.

[Italiangreyhound]

@JustHappy3 just brilliant advice.

[JustHappy3]

It wasn't til i did my adoption training that we told our birth son about his twin we'd lost and other miscarriages. It broke my heart to see him sad and grieve when i could have saved him all that. But i trusted our trainers a lot - and the things they'd said about being able to discuss sad things. And the mess that secrecy brings. I found it really hard to do. And friends and family thought we were barmy. But i can see now - years down the line - that it was very good advice.

[JustHappy3]

Thanks Italiangreyhound - i rate your advice so highly that means a lot

[Italiangreyhound]

[Shannonlynn]

Thank you all for your great advise and storeys. I have no doubt that their mother will have no affect on us adopting. We see the kids regularly and a big part of their lives so no matter what she says it’s conteracted. My concern is the cruel things she will tell her kids to upset them about it all.

We have discussed talking about IVF and our miscarriage with them but still not sure if it’s appropriate or not because they are only very young and it’s all very complicated. We also need to tell them about adoption in Easter otherwise we have to hold up everything until the summer holidays and we don’t want that. I am really worried about what not to tell them and what to tell them, knowing full well it will all go back to their mother too, which makes are spines shiver. We won’t be asking their mother it will be put to her that they may (we know they will) contact her but we will not be putting it in a way to make her feel she has any power over this.