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Potential Adopters withdrew due to potential genetic condition

(13 Posts)
darkriver198868 Sun 11-Mar-18 23:04:14

Last year I was diagnosed with having a rare genetic condition. Its quite rare but, I have a 50% chance of passing it on to any children I may have. 2 days before the final hearing I learnt that the couple that were being considered for my children have withdrew their application.

A few potential features of this condition is:
1. Heart problems
2. Learning difficultlies
3. Behavioral problems

None of the girls have heart conditions as I had very close checks due to my own heart condition.

The LA have decided not to test the girls to find out if they have the condition due to there ages (1 and 4)

I have to admit my first reaction was anger at the adopters. (Please dont judge me)

I dont understand why they withdrew on a probability? It makes me worried that the girls wont find there forever home.

darkriver198868 Sun 11-Mar-18 23:07:35

Also- None of the girls have presented with behaviour problems. My eldest has presented with slight problems with maths and communicating. She was selective mute for a while.

Iamthestorm Mon 12-Mar-18 08:15:28

That must be so hard, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I can't really comment on the prospective adopters decision as none of us are inside their heads but I'm sure it's not a decision that has been taken lightly. I'm an adopter who turned down a match - for very different reasons - his birth family moved close to where I live and he would have been at risk - but I was devastated at the time and still think of him often. That little boy went onto to be adopted by a lovely family and I met my daughter a short time later. What I'm trying to say is that the right match will be out there for your lovely children and maybe this one wasn't meant to be.

I hope you are getting support in real life and are taking care of yourself.

My best wishes to you

JustHappy3 Mon 12-Mar-18 08:20:59

Sending you flowers flowers
You must be sad that the stability your children were about to have has suddenly disappeared.
You seem sure that it's this genetic condition that has swayed their decision. But it could and is more likely to be any number of reasons - including ones in their own lives. Things like redundancy, family deaths, marital splits, illnesses flaring up could be playing a part. The genetic condition would have been on the CPR - which they'll have had a long time to digest.
You must be feeling like they have rejected your children - whereas it's far more probable that they felt they weren't in a position to be the right/best parent for your children and have selflessly stepped aside to let someone else fill that role.
Hope that helps

darkriver198868 Mon 12-Mar-18 08:44:45

I was informed by the social services that it was the information about the genetic condition that made them withdraw.

flapjackfairy Mon 12-Mar-18 09:29:58

Sadly not all potential adoptors are willing to take the risk with a child that may develop issues due to a previously unknown genetic condition.
I am sure they did not withdraw lightly but perhaps knew that they would not be able to cope if things became more complex down the road.
But that does not mean your girls will not find a family. I myself have a long term foster child and an adopted child both with v complex learning difficulties and complex medical needs. And i am by no means unique. I know several adoptors with children with v complex needs so i fully expect your girls will find a lovely family to give them the care they need.
Try to let go of your anger and by the way I admire you for wanting the v best for your children despite being in what must be a v painful situation.
Hope they find their family soon x

thomassmuggit Mon 12-Mar-18 19:03:30

I'm going to sound harsh, but adopters are ordinary people wanting a family. Not saints wanting to become carers.

I feel your anger is misplaced.

thomassmuggit Mon 12-Mar-18 19:18:11

However, I am sure your girls will find a great family, soon. There are lots of fantastic families waiting, happy to take on different risks.

Womblewobble Mon 12-Mar-18 19:38:46

I agree with thomasmuggit. We aren’t super humans who can take on any child that a birth parent can’t. We have to be realistic about what we can and can’t handle, for the good of the children and ourselves. Your children will find plenty of adopters who will be brilliant for them though. It is better the adopters withdraw now than the match happen and break down later on.

hidinginthenightgarden Mon 12-Mar-18 21:19:45

I think it is a good thing that they withdrew now rather than further down the line.
Potential adopters need to be honest about what they can handle, it would be awful for them to struggle further down once the children are settled and risk a disruption to the placement.

clairedelalune Tue 13-Mar-18 22:59:34

While I agree with what other posters have said, I have understood from darkriver's post that by final hearing, she means the final adoption order hearing. Or have I misunderstood? If it is the final adoption order hearing, then yes I share your anger. If you mean they have withdrawn before meeting them, yes I understand how you feel. In both scenarios I urge you to have faith flowers

tictoc76 Tue 13-Mar-18 23:08:47

As someone else said it’s better they withdrew now rather than further down the line when your children would have been hurt by it. The right adoptive parents who can cope with the uncertainty will I hope be along soon.

Kewcumber Thu 22-Mar-18 09:12:21

Making a decision as an adopter about taking a child/children is generally a great deal more complicated than "oh there's a risk of X, don't think I will". You ALWAYS take on a degree of risk/uncertainty (as do birth parents but with more control over who you chose as a father, prenatal care, drugs, alcohol etc). SO there are many things to consider - two children of those ages - is that what they wanted or were they looking for older children, boys, bigger age gap. Maybe the time wasn't great for them eg changing jobs. Maybe they were hoping if they told SW they were put off by the potential genetic condition it might make the social worker get them tested. Maybe it's just the first children they were offered and they have been faced with the reality of adopting and the uncertaintly for the first time. It's scary, maybe they just panicked - it's been known!

You have been given a very very straighforward answer but it wasn't necessarily that simple in reality.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you as you have so little control but there is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and accept that there are the right people out there for your girls (I'm sorry I don't know your situation).

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