Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Did I miss the traditional New Year round up?(22 Posts)
For reasons which will become obvious I wasn't MN'ing around Christmas and New YEar so I don't know if anyone started to traditional roundup of the old year and hopes for the new year thread. (I miss Lilka - if anyone is in touch with her off MN do send her my regards).
so 2017 wasin very many ways a difficult year for us. DS transtioned very badly to a big local comprehensive school with an excellent SEN department. He had a new diagnosis added to his executive processing disorder of a significant communication disorder having covered it up well as he is pretty articulate and SALT's prejudge I think so never find anything. This SALT was commissioned outside of the LA by school and she says he has a moderate/severe communication problem interpreting what people say to him. I haven't entirely got to the bottom of it but school are changing how they deal with him a bit and things are slowly settling down in school. The SALT thinks mainstream school is probably not right for him but if you met him you would know that he really isn't suited to any of the usual SEN secondaries and I'm not sure he would get in anyway as he presents so "normally".
SO we are betwixt and between but at least he is not unhappy in school now so the pressure is off for the time being. I'm considering just trying to get him in to a local new secondary school which is small simply because it's new - but I need to offset another new transition away from a known good SEN dept to a much much smaller school a little further away.
Adding to our difficulties, my mum got sick in the seocnd half of the year to the point that she was unable to come on holiday with us in August. To cut a (very) long story short she was diagnosed with cervical cancer later november and expected to start treament for it early December, problems mounted and in mid December it was discovered that the cancer had spread much further and faster than expected and she was sent home from hospital around 18th December with "a month or two" to live. She died at home on New Years Day having deteriorated much faster than anyone predicted. She leaves a huge Ann-shaped hole in our lives which DS has to deal with on top of everything else.
Things could be worse, she adored DS and left me some extra money in her will to allow me to not worry so much about working forever to earn a pension so I could spend more time with DS.
DS is actually beginning to settle at shcool and he and I seem to have got though by supporting each other rather than taking it out on each other which has been nice.
DS gave a eulogy at her service which was beautifully delivered and brought a tear and a laugh to everyone there. SHe would have been proud of him and amazed - she was his biggest fan - though her could do no wrong and yet even she would have been impressed.
I have great hope for the future however sad the present is. I have though more than once in this process how grateful I am to have DS here with me. Whenever people ask about wanting to adopt and wondering if they could cope with the challenges of a child with SEN of some sort I feel guilty pointing out the problems we have had over the years and yet I wouldn't change him. I know some issues are more difficult to deal with (DS has never been violent to me except for a bit of shouting) but I have found the biggest issue to deal with is my own attitude. If I can relax and not take his behaviours as a challenge to me personally or not panic so much when school call me with a problem and instead fcous on what we can do to support him then things are easier. So if I can leave my insecurities and ego out of it I can be more supportive to him and it deos help both of us.
Hope you all had more productive/less eventful years.
Hi Kewcumber, really sorry to hear about your Mum. That's quite a year you've all had, hope 2018 is a bit kinder to you both. I only post intermittently on here, but I always remember the helpful reply you gave me when my DC1 was first placed about 6 years ago (amidst a sea of "they all do that" from non adopters) and I did think I'd hadn't seen you on here recently.
DC2 has started school and we are struggling with behaviour and sleep. Presents as fine at school but it all comes out at home. Currently seeing the paediatrician, looking at a possible diagnosis of FASD. DC1's behaviour has deteriorated, presumably as a result of feeling left out while we try to mitigate and manage DC2.
Finally seem to be getting the right support around us though, for both the DCs and me, so feeing quietly optimistic. I've also joined NATP (National Association of Therapeutic Parents), and trying to be more involved in online adoption circles so we feel less alone.
So sorry to hear about your Mum, and yes I have missed you so pleased you are back. Like you not a good year, DH prostate cancer fotunately doing well.
Still fighting the powers that be, but education brilliant.
Keep your chin up and keep fighting.
Sorry about your mum, Kew.
I don’t think we did have a round up. I’m not sure how many people with dc placed post here now tbh - we’re all getting our advice from NATP. 😀. (And if we’re not, we should at least check it out!)
It has revolutionised life here and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Fb group is called Therapeutic parenting, website is naotp I think.
I don’t know if you saw, I think you were mentioned on a recent old gimmer thread - ye olde mumsnette posters recalling you bringing ds home.
I’m so sorry for your loss Kew, and such a quick decline for your DM, I’m guessing you were left reeling.
I’m here my two were placed towards the end of summer and after a hellish time over Christmas and New Year things are settled down again. DD(6) is fully toilet trained which is making home and school life much easier for everyone and she’s settled into school well.
DS(5) is doing well too, though I’m beginning to notice just how delayed his development is - it’s been well hidden because he was so overshadowed by his sister but I’m noticing him really struggle with communication particularly. Will talk to nursery at his next catch up and see what they say.
I’m starting to think about returning to work and what that might look like - balancing is going to be “interesting”
So sorry for your loss Kew.
2017 was a big year for us.
DD1 started school, which has been hard going. For a start, I miss her 😭. I'm also really starting to pick up on abnormalities with her language and memory and we've taken the first steps in seeking a diagnosis. I'm worried about the school and whether it's turning out to be a good fit for her, but the thought of a move for her means that it will take a lot of consideration. I worry her issues will only get greater as she gets older, but she's such a mixed bag, so who knows.
We now also have DD2 😁 who is a wee bundle.
The sisters adore each other - mostly - but we've still had to learn to juggle two, plus consider how to minimise the impact of DD1's outbursts on DD2.
In some ways I feel like I'm getting better at parenting therapeutically, but sometimes, oh my goodness I'm tired.
Where did my paragraphs go? Apologies.
Dd has now been with us almost 18 months and is on the whole doing well. She arrived as a very placid little girl and is quite the opposite now. Her speech isn’t great and I think she isn’t frustrated by that, every time she cannot have something (another cup of juice, chocolate bar for breakfast etc) we have major tantrums. Other times she is so so happy, and very affectionate considering what she is been through- although it is all on her terms.
Our biggest concern is her pulling her hair out. It seems to be linked to being tired and isn’t as bed when she sleeps well but at the moment we cannot get her to sleep in later than half 5 so she is always tired.
I am lying in bed listening to her playing with her brother downstairs. Ah Mother’s Day!
Thanks all for the condolences. Love to hear all your stories. Savour it all - unless it's unbearably tough (in which case don't savour it and just do whatever you need to in order to get through!) it all goes by so fast.
I feel a bit like I don;t have much to add to the adoption board at the moment - not in a horrible "Oh woe is me I am not appreciated" kind of way but just that others are closer to the coalface and I'm pretty rubbish about questions about process these days.
Mind you get me onto the ineffectiveness of RIchmond CAMHS and i could bore for England.
Oh Kew - am so sorry to hear your news. That’s crap. And thank you for starting this thread.
We had a tricky year - that only got trickier when DS1 went into Year 2. Behaviour suddenly got very difficult - and we are still struggling. Thankfully, DS1 is doing ok academically at school.
We celebrated DS2 being with us for a year in the autumn; I went back to work and then switched jobs. DS2 is a bundle of joy but wouldn’t sleep for the first 6 months. But my fears about FAS haven’t quite materialised (not out of the woods yet).
My big hope for this year is that DS1 learns to better control his emotions...
Kew, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Your description of your son at her funeral brought tears to my eyes - you must be so proud.
I have lots of happy memories from 2017 but it was also quite stressful with a lot of medical tests and two operations for my boy as well as appealing to the SEND tribunal when the LA refused to assess him for an EHCP.
My son starts school in September and I'm terrified! Making progress with EHCP and have a multi-agency meeting next week to discuss his support. His language is coming on amazingly and he is engaging in a lot more pretend play - I love listening to him pretending to be presenting on a cookery show (think we may have watched too much 'My world kitchen' on Cbeebies!) We are having a lot of fun and he has a wonderful laugh.
I'm so sorry about your Mum, Kew, and hope that you're getting lots of support.
DD started school this year, and so far so good, although she's struggling with reading, and tends to head for the kids who don't want to be friends. Our relationship seems easier since I started working full time, and she's less wary of giving me affection now which is lovely. Small steps and all that.
Kew so sorry to hear about your mum. Best wishes for your fabulous boy.
Our news dd (birth child) now 13, quite a bit of trouble, CAMHS, very difficult at times. But I love her to bits and we will get through this.
DS (adopted) now 7, doing well, amazing boy. Growing up very fast.
I miss Lilka too.
Kew. And thanks for starting this thread - I wondered if I had missed it earlier in the year (I wasn't on here much over Xmas / NY) but hadn't done anything about it....
We continue with three steps forward, two steps back, but we are at least making progress. DD (adopted) is prone to horrific temper tantrums, which are usually directed at me (mostly), DH (less) and DS (more than he should have to bear). Being told "I hate you", "I wish you were dead", "I'm going to kill you one day" is not healthy for anyone, but DH and I are usually fairly resilient to it, and DD now tends to come round pretty quickly and apologise for what she has said. We know that she lashes out when she feels insecure.
We are getting very worried, though, about the impact of all this on DS (birth child): his confidence is ebbing away, and he is becoming withdrawn. Some of that is undoubtedly teenagedom as well, but the sort of stuff that DD exposes him to is tough.
We are still overseas, so the adoption support we can access is pretty much zilch. On the other hand, not many people know that DD is adopted, which is a nice experience compared to our early years when everyone at school and in our neighbourhood knew (and on occasion asked difficult or inappropriate questions)
Hi y'all. None our lives are plain sailing are they and yet when everything comes together it puts everything in perspective.
DS is trying so bloody hard at school and I admire him so much for that. If you don;t mind a bit of self indulgence I'm going to post what I wrote for him to say at her funeral because in many very it does epitomise my mum and does make me really beleive that sucess is to be found in the smallest of details, and of saying what you feel. @OlennasWimple I hope that you are able to keep the lines of communication open with your DS as he becomes a teen - you sound pretty grounded, and I think it's OK to be honest and say that you understand that in many ways he's had a harder road to follow as a result of the adoption. Ask him what he would like if that's possible.
My Nan didn’t know a lot of things:
She didn’t know anything about Instagram or much about her computer and she didn’t seem to know that it really wasn’t cool to have your Nan waving at you in the middle of the school play or that I never did understand why she cried when I did anything good.
There was quite a lot she didn’t know.
But she did know the really important stuff.
Like how to make the best roast potatoes and the best cauliflower cheese and the best fish pie well, the best everything, I think.
And she knew how important it was to have loads of butter on your baked potatoes even when my mum was frowning at her.
She knew how important train trips with no real purpose were to small boys.
And even though she didn’t understand the offside rule, she still took me to my first Brentford game when I was about 7 and kept taking me until she was too ill to go.
She knew how important it was to be at my nativity plays and school concerts and football matches and she made me feel special.
I’m not sure if I know what she liked because she seemed to like anything which made me happy.
And one day I hope I will have my own grandchildren and I will know exactly how much butter that baked potatoes need -
because I learnt it from the best grandmother in the world.
@Italiangreyhound soory to hear DD is stuggling. I found CAMHS hopeless but perhaps they're better in other situations.
Thanks @Kewcumber we will get there eventually.
Yes well one way or another we all will! I hope for the smoothest ride possible though for you and your DD.
Hello Kew, sorry to hear about your Mum. Also as appropriate to others going through the mill at the moment.
We await court, AO etc. AD moved in last Summer after our many years in the system. As she was 'hard to place' we are pleasantly surprised that various support has been offered so far (no adoption allowance though). BD finds it all very hard still. Not the fluffy utopia she had in mind.
I engage quite a lot with the adoption tribe on Twitter and occasionally also on the AUK boards. In real life I am still developing my serene smile when someone utters that special phrase 'well of course all siblings do that'.
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