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IVF AFTER adoption

(12 Posts)
beansonbread Wed 21-Feb-18 22:38:20

Hi, I was just wondering about the possibility of doing IVF on the NHS after adopting? I have endometriosis and have been told I'll only conceive through IVF so I'm due to start that when my BMI reaches the right point. However, there is a possibility of us being allowed to adopt a baby currently in foster care that we've developed a relationship with through our family. Now what I need to know is (even though I fear I know the answer) - are you still allowed IVF on the NHS after you've adopted a child? Private IVF isn't really an option to us as we just couldn't afford it so we'd only be able to IVF if it was on the NHS.

Any one able to advise?

Cassie9 Thu 22-Feb-18 07:11:49

IVF is a postcode lottery your best of asking your local hospital. My local hospital would allow up to three cycles if neither you or partner had any children. They didn't specify birth children. Sometimes you can get funded IVF if your willing to share your eggs. Perhaps something to look into if you can't afford it privately. Good luck on your journey for a family

feelslikearockandahardplace Thu 22-Feb-18 09:36:16

Our local centre gave two rounds for couples with no children, not sure if it was specified that they had to be birth children though sorry.

Rainatnight Thu 22-Feb-18 18:40:31

There is a question you haven't asked, which is whether it's a good idea to do IVF after you've adopted. There is a range of views on this, though I personally don't thing it is.

There is a slight impression in your post, though I'm sure you didn't mean it in this way, that this adoption will 'do' while you're waiting to be the right weight for IVF...

Rainatnight Thu 22-Feb-18 18:44:11

Some of the issues from both perspectives on this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3153233-adding-to-family-post-adoption

Rufus27 Thu 22-Feb-18 18:45:26

I came on to say just what Rainatnight says (waves at Rain). Sorry OP, but as an adoptive mum, your post made me slightly sad.

thomassmuggit Fri 23-Feb-18 20:58:38

as an adoptive mum, your post made me slightly sad.

Why, Rufus?

As I read the OP, OP has a familial connection with a child who needs a family to grow up in, and the evidence shows that outcomes are better for that child if a connected person like OP can adopt them, rather than strangers. OP, understandably, as most parents planning their family do, wants a) more than one child, and b) wants a biological child. The start place is likely different to that of a family wanting to have a child by adoption. Here, we have a child needing a family, and possibly OP is the best placed person to offer that. What OP wants to know is whether offering that family, the best for the child, is going to cost them the chance to have their biological child. And if it does, that could lead to resentment etc. Much better to consider these things, and go in with open eyes.

OP, I suspect you would lose your 'free go' at IVF, harsh and unfair as that is, if you adopt. I wonder whether that would be the same if you took this child on an SGO instead? Then you could formally adopt after IVF? The child gets to grow up in a family connected with their birth families, and gets that bonus, and it is a bonus, and you don't sacrifice your desire to pursue a bio child.

This situation sounds very different to the usual 'adoption vs IVF' scenario, as there is a specific child here, that you want the best for, am I correct?

I think, as an adoptive parent, a sad outcome is if this very specific child ends up being adopted to strangers, despite a connected person being suitable, because that person was expected to sacrifice all hopes of a bio child.

All you can do is ask the questions, OP, and make an informed decision. But know that if you are related to this child, then there is evidence that being placed with a relative is better for that child, if you can. Equally, if you can't, then there will be a long term placement found. I completely 'get' not wanting to lose the IVF chance, but only your GP or local clinic will know your area's rules, and how adoption, or kinship care, or SGO affects that, so ask.

beansonbread Sat 24-Feb-18 01:49:07

@Rainatnight and @Rufus27 - you've both taken my comments and situation completely wrong. There is no "this will do" attitude to the situation at all, neither my DH or I are taking this situation lightly but simply want the best outcome for ourselves, the child we could potentially adopt and any other potential future children (be these through adoption, IVF or other means).
After 4 years of trying to conceive, my DH and I have considered every option possible to start our family. As it happens, we had already discussed possibly adopting one day long before any fertility issues arose as one of our relatives has fostered for a long time and we've seen the amazing outcomes that adoption can bring for the children and families involved. As I mentioned, I am at the top of the waiting list of IVF however we are both completely willing to give up our place for this if it means we can give the child in care that we have formed a relationship with over the past two years a loving and caring home. It wouldn't be seen as an "easy option" or a "stopgap" until "what we really want" came along - it would completely make our world and the child would be loved in exactly the same way as any biological child. Adopting this child would be incredible as we both love them dearly and would love to have them as part of our lives forever. The situation I put forward in my OP was simply to gauge an understanding of what could happen moving forward, it was not me saying that the adopted child would not be enough for us or that they would become second best if we were then to conceive naturally or by ivf, but like many other people we would love to have more than one child. My DH and I had thought about IVF first and then adopting at a later date until the opportunity arose for this specific child. The situation we're now in is completely unique and it is definitely unexpected and not one to take lightly or to be rushed into.
I do not understand how/why my original post would make anyone sad (though I am sorry if that is genuinely how you felt, it was not my intention at all and I'm horrified if I did) - I was simply asking about how to build a family in such unusual circumstances and surely wanting to provide a loving and secure home for a child stuck in the care system should be seen as a positive thing?
Thank you for the link to the other thread which I have now read thoroughly and shall bear the points in mind.

@thomassmuggit Thank you for your comments - you seem to have a good understanding of my situation. Thanks for the tips about potential routes and who to speak to next. Your support is greatly appreciated at this unexpected and confusing time.

Rufus27 Sat 24-Feb-18 12:27:52

Apologies if that's not what you meant, OP. I did read it quickly and obviously misinterpreted what you were saying. Reading it the first time through, it felt (to me) as if you were adopting almost out of duty. I sensed none of the excitement and sheer joy that you usually hear in the voice of someone about to adopt for the first time. I also know of two cases where the family has adopted first and then gone on to have a biological child and it has (later on) caused issues and tensions between the children. I appreciate you cannot generalise from that, but it's what coloured my view.

Thomassmuggit I totally agree that staying within the birth family/where there is a family connection is usually preferable (though this isnt always the case. Certainly wasnt for my son). I just wasnt originally convinced that this is what the OP 'really' wanted and I therefore felt for the child longer term, should OP have had a child by IVF afterwards. From OP's second post, her views are clearer.

Again, apologies for having misinterpreted your original post.

beansonbread Sat 24-Feb-18 23:35:17

@Rufus27 I suppose I didn't show any of the joy or emotion in my OP because nothing is set in stone with this potential adoption and I don't want to get my hopes up too soon. My question was merely to get an understanding of the policies involved in the procedures. And rest assured, there is no feeling of "duty" within this situation - my DH would fight to have this child in our lives, there is no sense of us having to do it for any other reasons than we would be honoured to have such an amazing child in our lives forever.

The issues raised in this thread have definitely had me thinking of the past couple days and my DH and I need to do some serious thinking in the weeks and months to come. Thank you all for your input.

Rufus27 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:33:56

OP Wish you all the best, whatever you decide. I know how hard it can be (especially the 'dont get my hopes up too soon' feeling!). flowers

Miraclemumma Sat 10-Mar-18 07:31:49

I have an 11 year old birth son, 2 and 5 year old adopted daughters and we have never stopped trying to conceive, and don’t plan to stop. Each child has an equal place in our family and both ways of joining our family are equally special.

I say go for it! In my lounge I have photos of the girls taken on/around their celebration hearing, my sons scan pictures framed and am gonna buy the adoption creed wall sticker. Birth and adoption are both fab.

I hope you get the ivf funded.

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