Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Birth parent name changes(11 Posts)
Just a quick question, should I tell LA/adoptive parents when/if I chose to change my name. I’m thinking to change middle name and surname?
My current surname is my married name and I have been divorced for a while now and all ties severed.
Within the contact agreement it isn’t clear. It says if I was to marry I would need to let them know but not about name changes.
I would let them know simply because in future years it would make tracking you down easier if for some reason the current letterbox contact breaks down. I would wait until normal contact, though, rather than send something specific.
I wouldn't let them know, they wouldn't let you know!
I would ensure the letterbox coordinator knows, for possible future contact.
Why do they need to know? Why do they need to know if you marry? you are entitled to your privacy. Further children, I'd let them know, as that's your DS' siblings, but unless you're sharing it as happy news so DS knows you're ok, where is the benefit to DS?
If you'd like them to change the first name they use for letterbox, then tell them. But some people, not me, but some, do consider name changes to be 'odd', and you don't want to give them anything to think is strange, iyswim?
I am with OlennasWimple. There doesn't seem to be any reason not to tell.
There’s obviously my right to privacy not to let my sons parents know. I dont see they have any need or reason to trace me outside of contact via the local authority which provides the support needed.
It would also be the name I do use on Facebook and although I don’t post publicly I do change my Facebook profile photo (only ever of me or of places of beauty such as tower bridge) but it still feel intrusive they could use such photos. I feel If our son would like photos of his birth Mum I should be the one to send them.
It would also add to the risk of my exhusband being able to trace me- which could put me at risk.
I’m also considering if I write it within contact his parents might not want him to be able to trace me and may have only used my first name when asked so he can’t trace me which could be damaging for our son.
@OurMiracle1106 "There’s obviously my right to privacy not to let my sons parents know. I dont see they have any need or reason to trace me outside of contact via the local authority which provides the support needed."
Of course you have a right not to let your son's parents know, in which case if you don't want them to know, don't tell them.
I would find it hard to imagine they would try to trace you in some way, but if that genuinely worries you then of course do not tell them.
"It would also add to the risk of my exhusband being able to trace me- which could put me at risk." If this is a genuine risk then I think you would be wise not to tell them. I am assuming you will want your son to have the chance to trace you when he is older so please ask your adoption contact how best to do this, a letter on file for when he is 18?
"I’m also considering if I write it within contact his parents might not want him to be able to trace me and may have only used my first name when asked so he can’t trace me which could be damaging for our son." Your son's parents cannot stop him contacting you when he is older, as long as he knows he is adopted he will be able to contact the proper authorities at 18 and get details if he wishes to.
Just to give you heart my son and I had a chat the other day as he is now telling a few friends he is adopted. We talked about his birth parents and he asked if he would see them again, and I said he would have the choice when he was older. I think whatever you choose to do should be about keeping you safe (from your ex) and giving the biggest chance for your son to find you when he is older.
miracle my post was considering what I 'know' of you from here, and how much you value your privacy, so I suspected your real feelings were wishing for privacy.
Adoptive parents do look on facebook to see what BPs are up to, rightly or wrongly. Taking steps to gain and preserve your privacy, when it makes not difference to your son, is entirely sensible.
If you wanted to let them know, you'd have done it, and not asked here. I don't think you do want to let them know, and that's ok. You're allowed your life.
My concern Italian was more that at 13/14 he could try to trace me and then turn up on my doorstep. Emotionally that would be unwise for everyone (most teenagers rebel at some stage). I don’t know at what age he’s going to be given access to these letters etc.
My ex husband is very much a risk. He has previously stabbed me and threatened to kill me, so I am of course wary.
I will happily leave everything on file and even if contact from my birth son and his parents was to stop I would continue writing and remain in contact with social services. I know there is also an adoption register which I will enter my detail on just before our son turns 18 (seems pointless now as info would be out of date by the time he gets to 18)
I don’t want my son or his parents however to feel like they have been mislead/lied to/info hidden as I worry it undermines an already fragile relationship.
I would think maybe tell the letterbox person in a separate letter as a fyi but say
a) don't tell the APs
b) everyone to continue to use old name in letters to you
So the name change is 'on file' just in case but not used by anyone. You wouldn't want a SS screw up to pass on the info accidentally, so telling them not to put it into any databases but just keep on the paper letter might help prevent that?
You do have the right to move on in your life, and I would hope the APs would understand this.
@OurMiracle1106 "My concern Italian was more that at 13/14 he could try to trace me and then turn up on my doorstep. Emotionally that would be unwise for everyone (most teenagers rebel at some stage). I don’t know at what age he’s going to be given access to these letters etc. "
If you think that this is a possibility I would talk to someone about how to ensure it doesn't happen like that. If you think telling adoptive family about name change would endanger your privacy then of course do not. You are entitled not to tell them.
I'm so very sorry about your ex.
"I don’t want my son or his parents however to feel like they have been mislead/lied to/info hidden as I worry it undermines an already fragile relationship." If I were in their shoes and you changed your surname it would not make me feel like that, but I don't know for everyone. I wonder if you can get advice on this from someone in social services.
I agree with UnderTheNameOfSander
Ah, with the extra info, I absolutely would not tell them about your name change. And as an adoptive parent, I wouldn't hold it against you at all if I found out about it down the line.
Sorry you are still having to deal with the repercussions of your relationship with ex-H
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.