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Positive Hand Holding Needed!

(15 Posts)
bookcall Fri 02-Feb-18 09:00:55

We are due to go to matching panel next Tuesday. LO in 7 month and we have a 7 year old BD. In the last few days everywhere I seem to turn there are negatives stories about adoption and it's freaking me out!
Last night I was on to the Adoption UK Forum and read a thread basically saying that posters would never have mixed their birth children with adopted children had they known how things would have turned out.
I'm trying to justify that it's more likely to be people who are struggling who post than those just living their lives but it's made me feel awful and that I don't want DD to be in a position where her life is ruined because of a choice we made.
Some hand-holding and positive experiences would be very much appreciated right now!

bookcall Fri 02-Feb-18 09:01:58

*sorry about typos - brain in overdrive!

ChoccyJules Fri 02-Feb-18 09:19:06

You will have made this decision based on the needs and wants of all three of you and on the details of the little one. If you are happy to proceed then the next step will be planning how to support your BD and then planning some more, as from experience it is often harder for them than anyone imagined. What I think I'm saying is both things are true and valid, you all want to do this and believe you can...and BC may find it hard.

You're also right that, as here, people on AUK often do tend to post because they want support.

We are 8 months into placement so I can't tell you 'how it turned out' for us yet. BD (9) was excited, enjoyed the first few weeks and then did start to resent everything about AD (5). We put in Quality 1:1 Time with Mum, extra hour with us before bedtime, got books by and about adoptive siblings....She is still emotionally struggling and it affects school life. Fortunately the LA have listened and are going to use some of the ASF to give her a course of 1:1 talking sessions with a post-adoption professional. I have reached out on social media and got her a couple of penfriends who are also older birth siblings.

So as parents you do what you can but, and this is only our experience, it has been much harder for BD than anyone imagined despite tons of prep by us.

As I said at the start, if this is right for your family, go and do it. And concurrently, be prepared, even though you don't yet know how it will go for BD.
I wish you all the best and hope my honesty has not made things worse!

Thebluedog Fri 02-Feb-18 09:26:16

I adopted a 22 month old dd when my bc was 5.

We are now over 4 years down the line. It has been tough but I think it’s been normal ‘2 dc tough’. I made sure that my bc had lots of 1 on 1 mummy time and attention, and we still have mummy and daughter days which we both love (I also have mummy and daughter days with my adopted dc).

I think my bc was hoping for a little baby she could play with and of course my adc arrived a fully functioning toddler with an iron will and super strong (and loud) personality.. it did take a lot of adjusting for everyone but I’ve had friends who said they experienced the same after having a second birth child.

My birth child, now 10, said to me after spending time without her sister that ‘she wished X was around as she was bored and had no one to annoy’ which made me very happy as that sounded like a perfect sibling response.

Thebluedog Fri 02-Feb-18 09:28:53

I do agree with the paired above who said that the process probably affected our birth dd more than anyone expected. Despite all the prep we did with her. That said (and as I mentioned above) we are through the worst of this and they behave like normal siblings now wink

Italiangreyhound Fri 02-Feb-18 09:35:44

Similar to others above. Adopted ds when he was 3 and birth dd was 9. Almost 4 years in.

Hard but worth it.

Myone bit of advice is do not share clothes/equipment or toys without permission of older child

bostonkremekrazy Fri 02-Feb-18 11:07:20

We adopted 2, had a bc, adopted 2 more.
My bc adores the other children - especially the oldest and youngest - 7 years older, 5 years younger. They equally adore bc.
Yes its not easy...but no-one said it would be.
Pre-adoption nerves are really really normal. Its a huge step, which can be wonderful.
But there are also sad stories too. I have heard my fair share.
Rethink what brought you to adoption, what you have to offer, what made this match 'right' for your family.
Slerp on in and see what tomorrow feels like.
Adoption UK is a mix of those most struggling. I stopped reading about 2 years ago.

Thebluedog Fri 02-Feb-18 11:47:02

I have to admit I stopped reading adoption stories on forums as they scared me to death. If I have worries or issues I now come on here or talk to friends or my support after adoption team, who’ve been massively helpful.

It is a wonderful experience, but not without its difficulties, but that’s being a parent anyway.

Take one day at a time

tictoc76 Fri 02-Feb-18 12:59:41

I’m supposed to be working so just a quick post. We have birth son, when we were adopting our first luckily I never read the forums or I would never have done it! We got lots of negative comments from a few family members though (aunts and uncles rather than immediate family) about how we were going to ruin our sons life! They have now had to eat their words. We have actually adopted 3 now and to our kids adoption is just another way of a child joining your family. Sure it’s more complicated and sure you don’t know what genetics are really at play but all our kids love each other and wouldn’t be without each other.

I’m sure we have some hard times ahead but we’re a family like any other and have not one single regret about our decision to adopt (3 times). I do think it would have been much harder to bring an older child into the family with birth children though. The oldest ours were at joining us were 12 months and the kids loved having a baby that they helped look after and watched grow.

tictoc76 Fri 02-Feb-18 13:01:18

As others have said we make sure we have 1:1 time with each too - really important in the early stages even if it means you barely get time to yourself to relax! 😂

Mrscollydog Fri 02-Feb-18 14:06:02

I did exactly the same thing and nearly drove myself mental. BC was 8 when AC came home, it was tough on all of us and certainly not the fairytale you imagine. A lot of the issues were second child issues and some were adoption. 2 years on the love I feel for them is the same, they are 100% siblings and life is good at the moment. Who Knows what the years will bring but my AC is absolutely mine and I accept what ever comes with her. Good luck

MeeMeeMoo Fri 02-Feb-18 18:02:24

Op I’m nearly 2 years in and I still have freak outs! This board freaks me out, newspaper articles freak me out and any forums. Basically there will always be very vocal people telling you how shit it is.

My experience so far is one of great joy and, I assume, normal hard work. Of course, I’m then told ad is too little yet to know what horrors await me... Many of the people with horror stories are also people who were open to adopting older children/extreme backgrounds. I was very honest about what I could handle and I think we have a great match. Yeah things could change but we have started off well.

My approach is enjoy the good times. Be aware of any issues but actually look on the positive side rather than dwelling on the negatives. I adore ad, she has lit up my world! Let’s hope that continues! Good luck flowers

Hopeandgloryeverafter Fri 02-Feb-18 22:51:10

Wanted to share that although we've had a lot of struggles since adoption, the bond/relationship between BC and AC has never been an issue. There's only 18m between them so maybe that's helped, and they both have contrasting but equally complimentary personalities. Just the other day my BC was talking about moving out when they're older and would AC be able to come too. (AC has SEN so unlikely to live independently without significant support, but far from seeing it as a burden my eldest wants to look after the youngest forever. Give it 10 years though and I'm sure that'll change!). I highly recommend family theraplay activities, especially in the early stages.

bookcall Sat 03-Feb-18 12:04:39

Thanks everyone - especially good to hear that other people avoid certain forums! I shall stay on here from now on ;) Feeling a bit calmer - made a list of activities DD can choose to do with me or DH when LO arrives to help her in the transition. Feeling excited again!

user1471596238 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:06:18

Hi OP. Hope it's ok to add my experience as the brother of an adopted daughter. My sister was adopted by my parents back in the early 80s when I was 8 and my brother was 6 (my sister was 3) although she was with us for a few years prior to adoption. Although my sister had some issues when she first arrived (around a year old) because her birth mother had addiction issues, it has been nothing but a massively positive experience for my parents and the 3 of us. I rarely think of her being adopted even though it has always something that we have been comfortable discussing. I know that everyone has different experiences but it was brilliant for us.

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