How to help DH bond with newly placed DS

[BangPippleGo]

DS was placed with us just a week ago. He is 13 months. DH was brilliant during introductions and DS really took to him, but since being home DS has been very clingy with me and doesn't want DH, ever. I know this is normal but DH is taking it personally that I can't even leave the two of them in the same room alone without DS screaming when I leave (sometimes I just need to poo!!!).

Because of this I have taken on all of DS's care, which seems to create a cycle of him only wanting me. DH is also suffering with fatigue due to a chronic illness that has flared up the past few weeks so struggles with the early mornings. He is off work until end of February but works 10-6, so when he goes back to work I really need him to get up and do the morning routine with DS so I can have a break!

I know it's still early days but do you have any advice as to how I can encourage DH to bond with DS when he only wants me?

[Rainatnight]

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think it's too early to expect DS to bond with your DP. It's normal for adopted DC to develop a primary attachment to one carer and you're just going to have to ride this out. DS will be all over the place being so newly placed so it's normal he can only deal with one of you.

We still have this issue a year in, though I got really good advice here last year when we were about 8 months in and it was really beginning to bother DP. I'll have a look for the thread.

[Rainatnight]

Also - not what you asked, but does DS nap? Our DD came from FC with no good nap habits and I invested lots of time into getting her into a good napping routine. Those naps are my breaks. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you need breaks (and we all do!) then it'll be less frustrating for you if you can count on getting them during nap time rather than when DS is awake and needs you (which he will, even if DP is around).

[BangPippleGo]

Thanks, that makes sense. I just wish DH would understand why DS is finding it so difficult. He did so well during the prep groups but then when we were told about DS his foster carer made such a big thing about how easy and chilled DS is and DH seems to only remember this and not everything we were told before then! And of course DS isn't easy or chilled because he's no longer with his foster carer and everything has changed.

I can already see little changes - DH did bath time on Sunday (although I was with him in the room) and yesterday DS went up to him for a cuddle a few times which was nice.

He does nap but only for an hour in his cot or two hours on me.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Thinking about something as an abstract concept in prep group is one thing - living it day by day is quite another. How would you be if DS was rejecting of you and only wanted DH? Even knowing where it stems from, it's very, very difficult when a much wanted child doesn't want you to care for them. I'd give your DH space to have his feelings about this - it's really sore for him and he'll need reassurance that it'll change in time. He's an adult and your DS needs will be all consuming at the moment so you won't have space or capacity to tip toe round him but accepting his feelings as valid will go a long way.

I'd also involve DH in care giving - good to do bathtime together, do morning cuddles together and google theraplay games that involve all three of you in touch and closeness. Maybe go swimming together as a threesome and pass baby between you for lots of non-threatening skin to skin contact.

It's very early days, all of your emotions will be all over the place so go gently with each other.

[BangPippleGo]

Thank you Jelly. I completely get my DHs feelings on this and how hard it is for him, which is why I want to try to make it better for him. I hate seeing him so down about this but I'm worried me reassuring him just comes across as patronising. We are being extra affectionate to each other lately because we can both sense that we both need it! We are definitely on the same team.

[Italiangreyhound]

@BangPippleGo hi, ds was adopted aged 3 and didn't take to dh much at first.

It is hard but it is normal.

Interestingly our birth dd went through a phase at about 3 of not wanting me. She wanted me to move out and her to just live with dh. It was very hard but we just carried on, I said it's my home, I'm not going to move out!

Try and get your dh to read up a bit on how bonding works (in adoption terms) and encourage him to join in. Swimming is good. My dh is physically very fit, I am not! So early in with both kids dh did the sling carrying, soft play adventures, and even the swing pushing (I'm lazy too).

Yes, Yes to sleeping when baby sleeps and getting longer naps. At that age I think my dd had two good naps a day. Maybe experiment with the room, trying lighter or darker and see what works.

Children will go at their own pace. As they get older you can chivy them along but at this age it's their pace. I think your dh needs to understand this.

It's lovely being the object of affection (you) but exhausting so hopefully your dh will relax and play the long game, the affection will come.

We have found games, welcomed tickles, joking around all helps. Find a few fun things to do with baby type book and get your dh to work his way through a few things gently with baby. Like round and round the garden/peekaboo etc.

To be honest this is very similar to a new baby by birth, they do tend to cling to mum often but it changes quite fast.

Please do not let anxiety over your dh spoil this time for you. Be sympathetic but don't feel guilty, it's very natural.

[Lovebehindthefool]

My daughter switches between the two of us, depending on who she spends more time with. At the moment she is all about Daddy, following him everywhere and crying for him. It is so exhausting. For him because he needs a minutes peace after a long day at work, for me because when he takes that minute to himself I have to deal with a crying toddler! Then she will switch to wanting me all the time. Then sometimes she even seems ok with both of us Not helpful but just a hand hold really. Such early days for you I agree that you need to involve him in things and do them together where possible

[dibly]

Oh this is hard for all of you. Agree with Jellycat, it's tough to be the one being rejected, even though you can rationalise why. Try some bonding tips like DS sitting on DH's knee, sings like row row row your boat, them blowing straws at each other, using feathers to tickle each other, your son blowing and your DH pretending to fall over. Any kind of theraplay games (lots on google). Early days are so tough, keep posting.