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Very early days questions

(19 Posts)
Loubydoo Wed 10-Jan-18 18:05:36

Hello. I have been lurking on here for some time and have some very basic questions I was hoping for some help with from you lovely people. My situation is that I am married with a bc who is three. Before we got married we talked about adopting and are still keen to do so. I am 43 and dh is 40. We don’t plan to have any more birth children (due to traumatic birth with bc and my age) but we would really like another child. Ideally we would like to adopt a child who is 3 or 4 and so would like to wait until bc is around 8 or 9 so there is a big enough age gap, so it’s all very hypothetical at the moment. My questions are:

1.I am mixed race and dh is white British. Would me being mixed race affect our chance of matching with a child? How much is ethnicity a factor (I am white British and another ethnicity which is very rare in this country so extremely unlikely to match with a child the same). This isn’t an issue for us but would it be an issue for social workers when considering us?

2.DH is catholic and I am not religious. Our bc is being brought up Catholic. How does this work if you adopt a child? Especially a child who is a bit older? We would like to bring ac up in the same way as bc but interested to know what the rules are around this.

Thank you for your help!

hidinginthenightgarden Wed 10-Jan-18 20:47:03

Race if anything will go in your favour as there are few mixed race/ethinc minority adopters.

Religion will never go against you as long as you remain open minded and accept that they may not accept it or be interested at all. For example, if at age 5 they decide they do not want to go to church, will you force them or have one of you stay at home whilst the rest of the family goes?

Loubydoo Fri 12-Jan-18 12:39:07

Thanks for your reply hidinginthenightgarden I was concerned that my dual heritage may be a barrier to adopting as we wouldn't be able to adopt a child of exactly the same heritage as us. My own father was interracially adopted so we have some experience in the family. Hopeful that will help.

We're pretty relaxed about our religion - we want to do it as it's part of who we are but the children can always choose for themselves (including whether they attend mass). The only thing was I wondered if it was ok to have an older ac baptised - obviously if they wanted to, being old enough to be part of the conversation about it - or if that was completely unacceptable.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 12-Jan-18 13:04:53

I don’t see it being an issue you getting them baptised as long as, as you said, they have had a say.
My three cousins were adopted and christened. The eldest was about 9.

OlennasWimple Fri 12-Jan-18 19:27:57

Very very occasionally a child's birth parents will request that they are placed with a family who will bring them up in their own faith (I remember a little Jewish boy in Children Who Wait, for example), but this is the exception rather than the norm.

I don't know whether the adoption order in these cases would require you to adhere to these wishes, but for most children once the adoption order is through you are legally the parent and you can therefore make decisions for the child as you would with a birth child, including baptism (and vaccination, and ear piecing, and other potentially big stuff)

OlennasWimple Fri 12-Jan-18 19:29:05

One thought: @Italiangreyhound is an adopter and practising Christian. Hopefully I've managed to tag her properly in case religion came up during her home study etc

Allgrownup3 Sat 13-Jan-18 07:33:56

Hi @Loubydoo I am of mixed heritage and a practicing Christian.

My soon to be adoptive son is also of mixed heritage, but not of the same ethnicity mix as myself. Due to both our ethnicity's hard to get an exact match!

I have brought my birth children up in church and have attended Christian schools. I attend church regularly but due to their ages they are slowly going less and less, I'm which I accept. You have to accept that an older child ac may not want to go to church and you shouldn't enforce that.

When discussing region i decided that I could/would not change a child's region. I therefore said that I would want a child whom I have a knowledge of their faith (if they had one)

StringandGlitter Sat 13-Jan-18 10:08:42

I don’t think those things should go against you. You’re not looking to match with every child, just the one that fits your family.

On linkmaker I sometimes saw 6 month babies religion listed as e.g. CofE (practising), which made me laugh as how could a 6 month old practise a religion? (I know really it’s to do with family background). That wouldn’t be right for us, but it was for someone.

Likewise we wanted to match with one child, and were encouraged to look at sibling groups, but we said no. In the end we found our perfect single child.

Good luck with your journey.

Italiangreyhound Sat 13-Jan-18 23:25:00

@Loubydoo I think your racial heritage and Roman Catholic connections will all do you good!

I've heard of at least one family from eastern Europe requesting adopters be Roman Catholic. Of course social services are not required to heed birth family wishes but some may wish to. Especially, if children have been brought up in a specific faith.

@OlennasWimple how lovely you remembered.

Our son was dedicated at age 4 after joining our family at age 3. (Dedication is a kind of baptism but not quite!) If he had not wanted to do it, we would probably not have but to be honest we did not ask him! Dedication felt more like us dedicating ourselves to bring him up a certain way.

We have a birth daughter aged 13 who currently doesn't attend church. We were able to honesty tell social worker our kids would ultimately choose. But ds doesn't choose at 7. It's just part of our family life!

To be honest our faith is quite 'gentle', what worries the SWs more IMHO is very rigid faith that would put faith requirements above the interests of the child.

Once the child is legally your child you could 'have them' baptized but as in birth families that normally happens with babies and young kids, if they are older they may be able to consult on it!

Good luck. flowers

Coolchick11 Mon 15-Jan-18 10:17:07

Hi all I have am new to this I am 41 hubby is 48 we have been together 8 years we have several attempts of Ivf and looking into adoption for the first time ready for next chapter of my life I just don't have a clue about adoption and where to start advice appreciated xx

Italiangreyhound Mon 15-Jan-18 17:29:49

@Coolchick11 why not call to discuss/book yourselves onto an open evening with your local authority adoption services and/or any local adoption charity.

These threads are very helpful reading, the basics are you need to want to be parents, you need a spare room for a child, you need enough resources to care for child and you need to be fit and well enough to be parents.

The bigger picture is you need a support network of friends, a lot of resilience to deal with potentially challenging behaviour and an ability to stick up for/support a child and be their biggest alley.

You will normally need to take at least a year of for adoption leave and be at least 6 months post fertility treatment to start the process.

You will find out more when you make the call to book in.

Others may be able to suggest other things that are useful. You may find you get more replies if you also start a new thread asking questions specific to your situation (if there are any specifics).


Coolchick11 Mon 15-Jan-18 18:32:17

thank you have been very useful and answered my questions I will prob add a new thread soon

Cool Chick

NWQM Tue 16-Jan-18 16:46:37

Can’t see any problem with either - fingers are crossed for you and Good Luck.

Coolchick11 Tue 16-Jan-18 17:27:43


Loubydoo Wed 17-Jan-18 16:02:13

@StringandGlitter and @Italiangreyhound thank you for your replies - it's all very encouraging.

@Coolchick11 good luck!

Coolchick11 Thu 18-Jan-18 07:11:44

Thanks loubydoo xx

Coolchick11 Thu 18-Jan-18 07:12:50

I go for a information evening on 21st February so not long to wait xx

Italiangreyhound Thu 18-Jan-18 08:54:47

Hope it goes well.

Coolchick11 Thu 18-Jan-18 09:03:13

thanks Xx

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