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To not want to take 2yr old in?

(712 Posts)
MrsRyanGosling15 Sun 07-Jan-18 12:09:41

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how. sad

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sun 07-Jan-18 12:13:56

YANBU

It's your life and your children. You don't have to.

My friend took on her sister's child who had severe attachment issues due to neglect...she was 2 when my friend took her...she has a lot issues and it's very hard.

SilverBirchTree Sun 07-Jan-18 12:14:03

You poor thing flowers

No advice here , just my best wishes at this hard time

QueenAmongstMen Sun 07-Jan-18 12:15:25

So you don't want the child....but your husband loves her like his own?

.....if your other sibling takes in the child you suspect it will end her marriage.....has the other sibling implied she would take in the child or does she not want her either?

Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post wrong.

I feel very, very sorry for this little 2.5 old.

What will happen to her if neither of you take her in?

Personally I can't imagine any scenario where I wouldn't take in my orphaned 2.5 year old sister, but that's just me.

Pengggwn Sun 07-Jan-18 12:16:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Technonan Sun 07-Jan-18 12:16:33

We have an adopted child with attachment issues in our family. It's very tough. What are the alternatives for her? But if you don't want her (and you can't make yourself want her), you will not be able to give her a good home. What a heart-breaking situation.

jaseyraex Sun 07-Jan-18 12:20:13

YANBU. Of course it would be lovely if you took them in. But you do have to think of your life and your kids first. If you know in your heart that you really don't want to and are unhappy at the sacrifices you'll have to make, then don't do it. Are there other family members who might take her? Or will she be fostered/adopted? Whatever happens, stick by her and be her sister. But you absolutely do not have to be her mother.

thethoughtfox Sun 07-Jan-18 12:20:47

Putting the needs of your own children first - and that includes them having a mother that is not stretched to breaking point - is being a good mother.

Lonesurvivor Sun 07-Jan-18 12:22:15

What an awful situation your in op.
What's your biggest concern in all of this? You motioned finances and how it would impact your own family. If you were to foster your sibling would you receive any payment? This could help the financial impact.
Is it possible you and your other sibling could take on the care jointly?
Would you receive support for any appointments/treatment the child may need? Are you capable of taking on this role without it been detrimental to all involved including yourself?
I think this situation needs a lot of thought and guidance and isn't something you should do without professional help.
What are the child's opportunities re adoption into a loving family who very much want a child?
If you or your sibling can't step in are there other relatives?

DearMrDilkington Sun 07-Jan-18 12:23:30

I don't think yabu.flowers

Are social services not involved with her if her remaining parent is an addict? I'm surprised she was allowed to live with two parents with addiction issues.

Thatsnotmybody Sun 07-Jan-18 12:23:54

What a horrible situation for you all sad if both you and your other sister feel that you cannot take her in without being resentful of the negative impact on your lives, you definitely should refuse to take her. Hopefully as she's still pretty young she'll be able to find a family who have the massive practical and emotional resources raising a child with fas involves. I admire your ability to know your limitations and be realistic.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 07-Jan-18 12:24:02

The thing is that if you feel like that then it isn't a case of simply stepping up nad doing 'what is right'.

If you will resent having her then you will NOT be able to give her a good home - you just won't. She would be better off elsewhere.

It's interesting that you say your DH loves her - this means that as a family you must be close to her, from the story you tell it sounds as if you've already stepped up and provide care for her in many ways. But this hasn't resulted in YOU feeling that love. It's clear that at least some of this is tied in with your feelings of anger towards your parent. Do you think it's possible that you could work through that and eventually NOT see your taking in this child as yet another way in which your mother has ruined things for you? Not saying you should push down your feelings here - it's difficult to explain - just wondering if your feelings about the situation you've been put in are so dominant right now that your (understandable) response is to say NO not again... but once things have settled, I wonder whether you might regret that once you can see your little sister more clearly as a victim too, rather than a symbol of your mother's mess?

Practicalities though - I'm on your side here. You already have 4, she has 1 (possibly you've changed these details though) - yet you should take her in as her DH will leave? Nice for him to make threats to make sure he doesn't have to step up. I can understand your anger at feeling manipulated there too. And having a big house and four doesn't mean that you won't equally feel the pinch.

I don't know what to say. I think you would regret not taking her, I also think that depending on her issues you might also regret taking her.

What does your sister actually think? Would she WANT to have her if it weren't for her H?

Baileys123 Sun 07-Jan-18 12:25:14

If you took her in I'm sure your sister would help out on weekends etc ? Shouldn't be all up to you but if you would resent the child then I would say no.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 07-Jan-18 12:26:04

And yes - where are SS in this?

Wedontbelievewhatsontv Sun 07-Jan-18 12:26:48

So has she been diagnosed with Fetal alcohol syndrome ?You only say "may" and then allude to other issues that may come with it ..
Your initial reasons against having her sound a bit shallow to me.
I couldn't imagine how I would ever leave her at the mercy of the care system .

Pickleypickles Sun 07-Jan-18 12:27:23

Would you get any financial support if you took her in under a foster arrangement ? I dont know how these things work but atleast that would ease the financial pressure of having her.
However i think what this little girl needs is a loving stable environment and if you dont think you can/want to it is better to be upfront about it so she can get the care she needs and you shouldnt feel bad, the childs needs should be first and by admitting your feelings you are putting them first - she should be with someone who wants her flowers

MrsRyanGosling15 Sun 07-Jan-18 12:27:42

Thanks everyone. I'm sitying in tears but I think its the relief of just writing it all down for the 1st time.

To answer some questions my other sibling is willing to take her but I know her DH doesn't want to. He has alot of health issues and is older than her. I just feel so angry that my life and my dc life will all change because of the stupidity and irresponsible actions of 2 people who should have known better.

I think my dc are a bit stressed when we have her. (Currently 2 nights 3 days) They definitely don't get the same level of attention due to her issues. My DH loves her like one of his and would take her tomorrow but he is a surgeon. He is away long hours, gets phoned in the night and is away. Is always having to write papers etc when he is at home, still stufing for different exams etc and when he isn't doing that is with the dc. He is very good and I think comparing myself to him makes me feel like an even worse person.

Maelstrop Sun 07-Jan-18 12:28:43

Do you really think it would end your sister”s marriage?

smilingmind Sun 07-Jan-18 12:29:19

As a person who has taken in a relative's child I would say don't do it unless you really want to.
It is hard, very hard and affects the whole family.
Do not be guilt tripped into this very serious decision. You are not being selfish but realistic about your capabilities. That is a reasonable position to take when decisions made will affect your marriage, your other children and of course the child in need of a home.
There is a fb kinship foster carer's group where you can discuss this and you will not be judged.
I wish you all the very best.

BashStreetKid Sun 07-Jan-18 12:29:36

YANBU. You must put your own children first, and it wouldn't be fair on your half sister for you to take her on out of a sense of duty. And you are right, taking a child with FAS is no picnic whatsoever.

Wakeuptortoise Sun 07-Jan-18 12:29:58

What a tough decision. I know what you mean by other people's kids. I love my own dearly but I don't want to look after other people's. However, at 2.5yo she is still young enough to be able to mold/steer her behavior?
What are the issues with your sibling?

DistanceCall Sun 07-Jan-18 12:30:16

Would your sister be able to contribute financially to another carer (i.e. nanny, au pair) if you agreed to take this child in?

sucks2bu Sun 07-Jan-18 12:32:30

I couldn't let my half sibling go into care. From experience I would rather never have a holiday ever again and money be tight and my kids have to share the love a bit more than wish that on anybody.
My mum knows she wasn't wanted and it's effected her, her whole life.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sun 07-Jan-18 12:33:09

Sucks well good for you. However some people don't have that ability and there's nothing wrong with that either.

AgentProvocateur Sun 07-Jan-18 12:33:15

OP, you’re very brave to articulate your reservations (which would be the same as mine). I’m not sure I could take her in, but I’m not sure I could live with the guilt of not doing so. What ages are your own DC? It’s not just a two year old with possible FAS - it’s another 18 years of bringing up a very damaged toddler/child/teenager, with numerous issues which may become apparent in the future. I’m not sure I could do it. flowers

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