Birth Order

[Ceesadoo]

Is it possible to adopt out of birth order? Why/why not?

I have a BC who is currently under 1. Is there a timeframe my family and I need to wait before beginning the adoption application process?

[flapjackfairy]

As a rule no you cant adopt out of birth order. It is seen as being unhealthy to undermine a birth childs position in the pecking order as it were. Logical if you think about it. And you need at least a few years gap normally so it wouldnt be v feasible at the moment . Though nothing with adoption is ever set in stone it is normally 2yrs min gap. However many adoptors would recommend a larger gap than that . Why the rush if you dont mind me asking ?

[Ceesadoo]

There isn't a rush at all really. I'm keen to grow my family (and don't want to have another biological child) but know very little about the process or practicalities or whether we would even be considered eligible to adopt.

[Jellybean85]

I work in social care and in this area, each individual assessment is unique and each family different, as a rule though we look for at least a few years between children, so you would be more likely to match with a 3/4year old, in my area st least. Why not go along to an adoption info event , they're usually very friendly and will give you advice specific to your local team

[flyhigh]

This really does depend on your LA and how many children they have waiting that would cope with being the eldest child (this is what we were told many years ago). We then became foster carers instead and very quickly realised why most LA like adopted children to be the youngest when placed. We are currently going through the process of adopting our 8 yr old fc (we have 2 younger bc and 2 older) so it can work!! However, it is rare and we have had over 60 children through our door and never felt it was right for them or our family to adopt them as hard as that decision was at times. Would you consider fostering?

[bostonkremekrazy]

we've done it in and out of birth order.....but ours are very young - and the out of order one is related to us, so in a way we had the legal right to do so...

he's been here less time than the others, but is older than 'our baby', and the older ones find it a bit confusing when describing who our new baby is....adoption language is difficult enough for a 4 year old!

but i think keeping birth order is important, as is keeping a good few years in between if you can.

start reading books, researching etc...going to info evenings, doing the prep work will be helpful if you do decide to adopt in the future.

[flapjackfairy]

Despite my earlier reply i am also trying to adopt my 11 yr old foster child and adopted my younger one last year so there are always exceptions as flyhigh and boston have said.

[Italiangreyhound]

The reasons it is not considered a good idea are that the birth order is important to kids and having their place as the eldest, or eldest girl (or boy) 'usurped' can be difficult. This happens in blended families and various posters have explained how they have done it or are trying to do it, so it does happen but many of the posters are foster carers first and in adoption without fostering first it is very rare, in my experience.

In terms of behaviour, an adopted child will sometimes/often/mostly be developmentally delayed either emotionally or academically, so being the oldest and biggest but needing the most support can be hard. Hard for the adopted child (competing with a younger sibling who naturally has more needs due to being younger).

For the birth child they are competing with an older but possibly/probably needier child. The adopted child may come into the home with bad language, violent behaviour etc. Keeping a younger child safe from a physically bigger, possibly aggressive, certainly needy child is much harder than the reverse.

Can I ask why you want to adopt rather than having another birth child? You don't need to answer.

Just for the record our birth dd is a teenager and our adopted son is 7 and has been with us over 3.5 Years, half go's life.

There are almost six years between them.

This is a bigger gap than I planned but works well.

[flyhigh]

I agree with you italian all the cases I know have been foster carers like myself. As I said in my previous post we have had 60+ children stay with us and this is the only older child out of all of them able to cope with not being the youngest.

[flapjackfairy]

Yes I agree. Our fc has been with us for over 10 yrs now and we havent been able to adopt due to legal cock ups so we have fostered and adopted a younger one now but are still trying to legally tie up things with our oldest fc . So i have to agree that i have only ever known adopting out of order with fostering.

[Italiangreyhound]

fly good luck with the adoption. Foster carers do an amazing job.my son's foster carers were amazing. They really helped him so much. We meet up regularly once a twice a year.

[OlennasWimple]

OP - you sound like me 13 years ago (I first called SS to enquire about adopting whilst on mat leave with DC1....)

I also thought that we wanted a small gap between DCs, as they woudl get on better, be best friends etc etc, like people say about bith children, right? As it happens, there is about 5 years between our birth child and our adopted child, and I'm so grateful for that!

Our adopted child is pretty high maintenance. Nothing diagnosable, nothing that many parents wouldn't give their right arm to be dealing with rather than the complex SN that their DC have. But still, she can be difficult, draining, hurtful and time consuming (as well as wonderful and inspiring!), and I don't know how we could parent her plus a younger child and do either of them any favours.

(I'm sure that there are brilliant parents out there who do jsut that, but DH and I are not brilliant parents, we are doing good enough parents)