So as not to dripfeed, this might be a long post!
DH and I are adopting, and our very small child will be placed with us next week. DH has an older child (DSS aged 8) who is with us 50/50. DSS's mum T also has a toddler.
T has up until now been very supportive of the adoption. However at contact handover this weekend she raised some concerns to DH that have upset us both a bit. She said that earlier in the day DSS had acted out against his younger sibling when they were trying to play, he said he didn't want to but younger sibling kept pestering him and T told him to play with sibling, and he pushed them away. This then led to him being told off by T, to which he then told her that she doesn't care about him only his sibling. She has told DH that she is certain what he actually means by this is that there is obviously a problem in our home (not hers) and it's all because of the adoption.
Now I'm not denying he could be feeling unsettled by the impending changes coming up, but he has been very well prepared. So much so that both our approval panel and matching panel (plus all social workers involved) have really commended us on the work we have done with him this past year to prepare him. We talk to him very openly and honestly about the adoption and in particular any concerns we have so that he knows it is safe to talk about any worries.
Surely an 8yo child not wanting to play with their toddler sibling who keeps pestering him is not exceptionally unusual behaviour and indicative of a bigger problem? And him telling his mum that she doesn't care about him only his sibling is probably because he didn't want his sibling playing with him at that time but he mum kept insisting?
T has also said she is concerned that he is also losing his "time away from having a younger sibling", because he knows that when he comes to ours he can be an only child and have a calmer environment where there's not a younger child running around. This has really bothered me. She has asked if we have considered this when deciding to do what we are doing and if we had taken his feelings into consideration. Of course we do, but she is implying that bevause she went ajead and had a aecond child before we did, we are obliged to ensure DSS has a sibling-free household at ours.
I really think this has all been a huge overreaction to a very minor piece of bad behaviour that happened at a time when children his age are generally exhausted from school finishing and the excitement in the build up to Christmas. Should we be worried there might be more to it?
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Normal behaviour from birth child?
21 replies
BangPippleGo · 25/12/2017 21:17
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