First post. Very emotional and stressed right now. Love my DH very much but need a real change from him as we enter Stage 2. Met my DH when his daughter, now 17, was 10 - he was a single dad when I met him. Don't know how many people here are step mums too who went onto to adopt.
I've spoken to my husband a lot about not neglecting our marriage and having boundaries with his daughter (he can be both over protective and permissive, which can result in rudeness and self centredness in her). E.g last Sat he took her to a hair appointment explaining that he couldn't pick her up as he'd be out. She returned and asked why he was home (he hadn't left to go back out yet, her hair appointments are usually longer) and she asked him to call her mum to apologise because she had to break a lunch date to bring her back. It didn't seem to occur to her she could have come home herself or waited until one of us 3 was free with a car and could have apologised to her mum herself. I told DH later that at an age younger than her I paid for my own hair appointments and got myself there and back, yet his daughter was so demanding. I told him that for years I have been asking him to agree with me some principles about how we live at home, so we can lovingly set this out for DSD and so we can support each other. He says yes, but never does so, spends time playing Wii with her and excludes me from conversations with her about chores, respect etc. So the teachable moment and natural consequences get completely lost and I feel like an interloper in my own house, not able to say anything when I notice something wrong, but raise through him. He does sometimes say, you can raise it with her. Tonight in bed we were talking about an adoption meeting we're having later today, and DSD knocked he invited her into our bedroom, she stayed for about half an hour and I was thinking, erm we were mid conversation here. I can hear you saying, so why didn't you just say that to her? Unfortunately because in something as small as that we have few boundaries, there. My husband doesn't seem to realise we also need uninterrupted time to talk about important things. He will frequently come to bed go on his phone then go straight to sleep hardly acknowledging me. I get that he's tired this time of year. I'm mentioning all this on the adoption thread because we're in Stage 2 now with panel in February. Ironically practices like therapeutic parenting that we've been reading about have principles that I've been trying to share with him in relation to his daughter over the years: empathy, structure, discipline, listening. As much as he's interested, I feel like it'll be a 2 tier household where I'll still have no say over how his daughter behaves, only over the adopted children. I honestly feel like I want to be honest with the social workers and say we struggle to be a united front as parents in this home. Adoption is going to be rewarding and very hard, especially for me as the stay at home parent. I'm resilient but will not be able to handle my DH checking out, denying any poor behaviour on his daughter's part, neglecting me as wife or just treating me as business partner. Adoptive children don't need that. For those of you that were step mums first,, which is a different dynamic to having your own DCs, how did adoption affect your existing family? Apologies for emotional vent. Christmas, work and family stresses.
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
Stepmum and adopter. Worried
SarahEdds · 12/12/2017 02:19
I did find myself thinking this morning about how damn annoying teenagers can seem. DH's sister is 10 years younger and that age when we got together - i've never forgotten the horror of my first visit and being made to get out of the chair that i was sitting in because she wanted to sit there! Older and wiser now i can see that they were still treating her as the family baby. She had a lot of good points that i took a long long time to see.
Some form of counselling might be good. I think maybe your DH needs it pointing out from someone neutral that she's not a baby anymore. As well as getting to the nub of other problems.
Equally - on the basis of all behaviour is communication and starting to flex your attachment parenting muscles - do you think it's perhaps subconscious concerns about her dad being a dad again prompting her to be over demanding? Have you involved her in discussions about making time for each other and reassuring her things will change but she'll still get 1:1 time with her dad etc. Why is she over demanding? What is she compensating for etc etc.
But 
cos it doesn't sound easy.
Sarah there is lots of good advice here. I hope it is useful.
Our birth dd is a teen, a young one, I must admit I would prioritize her if she wanted to talk when dh and I were talking (it would be so rare!). I'd also give her lifts and 'Molly coddle' her (in some people's eyes) but to be honest most of my friends do the same.
It 's a tough time to be a teen, a tough time be a parent and an especially tough time to parent a teen, IMHO.
What worries me (and struck me) about your post is...
"My husband doesn't seem to realise we also need uninterrupted time to talk about important things. He will frequently come to bed go on his phone then go straight to sleep hardly acknowledging me."
You really do need to be a team to parent well, IMHO. Plus this sounds very lonely for you.
"As much as he's interested, I feel like it'll be a 2 tier household where I'll still have no say over how his daughter behaves, only over the adopted children."
I think it is very realistic to think it is highly unlikely you will have more say in how his daughter behaves once another child/other children arrive. Why would you expect to have more say? Plus she is almost an adult.
"I'm resilient but will not be able to handle my DH checking out, denying any poor behaviour on his daughter's part, neglecting me as wife or just treating me as business partner."
This doesn't sound like your step daughter's fault. What is she doing that is so difficult?
It sounds rather like your husband is emotionally vacant.
When you say "... work and family stresses." Do you mean dh and step daughter or wider family?
Good luck, I really think done couples counselling may help. DH a d I had this pm a few occasions and it was useful.
Wow, thank you so much for replying.
italian DP himself agrees that he is sometimes 'the problem' and that he knows I'm not getting at his daughter when I raise concerns. Which is progress - he used to be v defensive, bless him. I advocate for her in fact if he's a little unfair, which they've both welcomed.
Those of you that said this is normal teenage behaviour, I kind of agree - we've lived full time together for 5 years - but last night DH was non communicative with me but v communicative with DSD, we hadn't discussed the meeting for today, hence me asking him to chat as we went to bed. I've been off work sick with heavy cold last 2 days too, consequently not sleeping properly, 25 people coming to ours for Xmas dinner too [santa]! plus a bit of building work before then - so all a bit heightened for me yesterday. DH does get tired and less talky this time of year needing the Xmas break.
just happy The meeting was good, we're comfortable with our social workers. I did raise concerns over the united front, we talked about it lovingly and with respect. DH admitted that he had done things his own way in the past and would need to adapt in terms of the adopted children and in terms of our whole household so DSD is v much integral to our future family. It's not just a DSD thing, we talked about him sidelining me once in the past over an issue with his mum, and he admitted today that he's not always 'gotten it'. We both agreed that over the years we've gotten better at listening and will need to keep improving.
Re: it being pointed out that she's not a baby anymore, yes - DSD herself points this out, I never raise it with her, she tends to raise it with either or both of us, sometimes saying how much more responsible her friends are compared to her. In other ways though esp as an only child she's much more responsible than her friends. I can see DH making progress and starting to let go of babying her, but being there for her age appropriately - so I don't give him a hard time. He's come a long way he previously refused to allow DSD to do little jobs to earn money (which she's asked to do) like tidying the car or simply an errand such as go to the shop, in case she gets kidnapped. Or refused to let her do her own washing at 17 because she might fall down the stairs to the utility room!
She's now gone from never having gone to the shops alone (at 16) to getting a p/t job recently, flown by herself for the first time this year to Greece (!) met at the other end by family. And college has been a huge turning point for her with parties, boys, new friends - all (relatively) more normal now. So I think it's fair to say my DH (and me actually) have stopped catastrophising - if we ever were.
love no offense taken - as I say we've worked hard to have a close strong family life and we are very fortunate to make it work, DSD is close to us both, clearly she shares things with dad and not me, and with me and not her dad, as well as talks with her mum. Interestingly, I told SS and DH that on reflection I needed to manage my own expectations, so interesting you guys picked that up.
Been lurking on the stepparenting thread for a while :-)
jelly Do you have stepchildren at home? My friends who are both parents and stepparents often find the parenting role far easier, no matter how much on the same page the adults are. It's not only mum and dad's role to decide teachable moments, especially when DSD wasn't raised by mum and has a tricky relationship with her. Her parents didn't marry or live together with her - we do and I'm not going to ignore concerns in our home. E.g. some time ago she unusually made a threatening comment towards me, I spoke with her told I didn't appreciate that, she apologised, I asked what was going on for her, we chatted it through and that was it - normal parenting in my view. Brought my DH up to speed, neither of us raised it with her mum, sorted. So I disagree it's only for mum and dad to do the raising in our home 
.
Agree it's important to look at our own parenting, which we both do. To be honest outside of DSD I've more experience with children than my DH, I've worked with children and young people professionally and voluntarily for many years with more little ones in my family than there are on DH's side. I'd say parent friends of ours are far stricter than us.
We've always worked on our relationship, and had good friends to rely on, have date nights etc. Interestingly today DH told SS that a lightbulb had come on for him in terms of therapeutic parenting. We do love each other enough to do the hard work and if I notice a communication or emotional problem I'll always raise it, because we're keen on learning for the best interests of the children and we do make good progress.
completely agree with your comments. I respect the parents but also did the school runs, school plays, arrange work experience, do the holidays (taking her friends usually), host the sleepovers and parties, doctor runs, overseeing homework, teaching about cooking, playing, dealing with hygiene, pubity, nightmares, hugging, reassuring and listening. Like it or not that's not part of parenting and raising a child.
DSD's mum has had relationships, some serious incl almost marriage, in the past and is besotted with a new interest, so yes DSD has spoken about potential changes coming up on her mum's side too. So we're mindful of those development too.
Thanks all for your comments.
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