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Choosing adoption over fertility treatment

(49 Posts)
catlover1987 Mon 27-Nov-17 09:46:07

I read a lot on these forums about couples coming to adoption after failed IVF etc.

I was just wondering if there was anyone who actually choose adoption over perusing fertility treatment?

We have reached the point where it's looking like we might need IVF and and for various reasons, neither of us are keen, but it seems like something most people do try first.

Just looking to hear of other people's experiences really. At this point in time, I am 90% sure adoption is the right path for us, but worry that 10% and 'what if' would always niggle away at me.

Thebluedog Mon 27-Nov-17 09:49:49

Yes I chose adoption over fertility treatment. However I also have a birth dd. We tried for a second child but it didn’t happen. We went for the usual tests and were told that we’d have to go through fertility treatment to have a second. It was at this point we chose adoption.

I guess I don’t have any ‘what ifs’ as we are in the position of having a birth dd, but I feel no difference towards my adopted dd than I do about my birth dd. I actually sometimes forget I haven’t given birth twice.

Frozengeranium Mon 27-Nov-17 09:57:52

Yep us too.

I was terrified about ivf, surgery etc. Adoption was something we’d been discussing for years and just felt right. Once the decision was made and we applied to adopt I felt massively relieved.

I think that 10% doubt is normal and natural and you probably wouldn’t be thinking it all through properly if you didn’t have doubts —moments of terror—

Do some research before you decide. Some reading about the children who are waiting will be helpful. Also speak to your local authority about information meetings.

I went as far as to visit a fertility doctor and had surgery booked in before I realised it just wasn’t for me.

We’d also spoken to various adoption agencies, attended information sessions and even had a meeting with a fostering agency before we made our decision.

It’s the biggest thing you’ll ever do so really being informed is important.

happytoseeyou Mon 27-Nov-17 10:13:32

We chose adoption over fertility treatment.

We thought long and hard about the right choices for us, a couple of the deciding points were
Physical - I have a couple of close friends who undertook numerous rounds of IVF and supporting them through the emotional and physical pressures was really difficult. I really didn't want to put myself through that.
Financial - We were not eligible for any IVF funding and agreed we would rather spend money on our adoptive family than gamble huge sums of money on a small % chance of having a genetic family.

We haven't any regrets about going straight to adoption, for us it was absolutely the right thing to do. We now have the lovely family we dreamed about and feared we may never experience.

catlover1987 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:48:35

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. That has given me some much needed reassurance.

The position we are in is that we have had one appointment at the fertility hospital and have various tests done but are due to go back In January for further tests, and I just don't want to do it. At the moment, our infertility is unexplained and we have been told IVF is a likely option. I don't see the point pursuing further investigations if we have no interest in undertaking IVF, so I think we are going to cancel our next appointment.

We attended an adoption information evening last week and the feelings I felt after leaving that meeting (excitement, hope, positivity) were the polar opposite of the way I felt when I left that hospital appointment, feeling hopeless, sad and frustrated.

I have already done a lot of research on adoption. Listened to podcasts, watched documentaries, read reports and blogs. This isn't something we've decided on a whim but i'm worried the social worker will see it that way. Anyway, we sent off our initial registration of interest form this morning so will see what comes of it.

Thanks again for sharing your own experiences.

Thebluedog Mon 27-Nov-17 11:27:22

I don’t know if it’s the same now however our infertility was unexplained and we spent a lot of time talking to our social worker about what might happen should we get pregnant shortly after adopting or during the process. I think they just wanted to be sure that adoption was what we wanted and that should we get pregnant after an adopted child was placed it wouldn’t affect us/the gulf. As it was, my DH had a vasectomy once we had our LO we knew this was the right thing to do for us

Rainatnight Mon 27-Nov-17 11:36:03

It sounds like you're doing all the right thinking and research.

We're a little bit different from you in that we're a same sex (female) couple so would have needed some sort of intervention (obviously!) for one of us to get pregnant.

We did look into IVF and one of us had a general fertility test, which wasn't great but wasn't awful.

But we just really didn't want to go down that road. This is obviously very personal and no criticism of those who have done it, but we felt that donor sperm brings its own complications. And we really, really hated the idea of all the medical intervention. And we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant, so felt very happy to create a family with children who were already out there, in the world.

Our SW didn't blink an eyelid at these reasons.

Monkeybrains2017 Mon 27-Nov-17 16:56:23

Just like Rainatnight we are a same sex female couple. We didn’t even start any fertility investigations as just didn’t feel it was for us. The question was asked about why we had pursued Adoption rather than donor sperm, but we just kind of knew this was the right thing for us to do and neither of us were that worried about a genetic link or the opportunity to be pregnant. Good luck!

Jellycatspyjamas Mon 27-Nov-17 17:50:17

DH and I decided to chose adoption instead of fertility treatment. I'm very sensitive to hormones and struggle enough to keep my mood on an even keel, I couldn't have coped with the stress of fertility treatment coupled with the physical impact of the hormone element of the treatment.

It didn't really come up for discussion in our adoption assessment other us saying it didn't suit us health wise.

Italiangreyhound Mon 27-Nov-17 18:12:26

We had fertility treatment (unsuccessful) after our dd and a miscarriage.

It was just right for us but is not right for all.

donquixotedelamancha Mon 27-Nov-17 18:39:02

"I was just wondering if there was anyone who actually choose adoption over perusing fertility treatment?"

Yep. Loads of us around. All the adopters I know who went for IVF are acathing of it and wish they had gone for adoption first- though obviously they are the unsuccessful cases, it's clearly not an easy process.

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do. Couldn't recommend it enough. I think there are only two main reasons why people should choose IVF instead.

1. If it's important the a child is biologically 'yours'. Now personally I find this a batty idea, gene donation does not make someone a parent; but you have to be honest with yourself about how important it is.

2. If you can't accept the risk of a child with additional needs. There is a much higher incidence of FASD and attachment issues (and a higher than average chance of loads of other concerns). It's true that any child can have additional needs and you have some control in matching over what you accept. Still, you have to assume going in, that the child you end up with won't be 'perfect'.

Rainatnight Mon 27-Nov-17 19:31:44

Good point, donquixote. On our prep group, I was so struck by the adopters who'd been through IVF. They seemed pretty traumatised about it, and very cynical about the industry.

topcat2014 Mon 27-Nov-17 20:11:21

We are choosing adoption over IVF. (mind you we are 40's) and have birth child.

PippleBang Mon 27-Nov-17 21:35:44

We Did! This time last year we saw an IVF consultant and she was vile. Decided to look into adoption. We are now heading towards matching panel and having LO home in January.

I was like you and just couldn't face IVF. I did not want to put myself through it. I was only 25 when I made that decision, and I stand by it. Things are so so different from this time last year and in in such a better place. I'm fairly certain that would not have been the case with IVF.

Italiangreyhound Mon 27-Nov-17 22:34:45

I was not traumatized by fertility treatment and I do not regret it. We chose it because we wanted to do it. Part of it for me was that we already had a dd and I wanted a child with a genetic connection to her. donquixotedelamancha you may find that idea batty, but it is quite a common idea really.

However, having now a brother for my dd with no genetic link to her, I could not be happier. I don't regret the treatment not working but I also don't regret doing it, we did what we wanted to with our own money.

I think it is best to explore and really decide what is right for each individual person. I don't think either 'path' to parenthood is more worthy or better, they are just different and it's best to explore thinking about fertility treatment before you undertake the adoption route, I think, even if you decide it is not for you, OP.

Good luck.

donquixotedelamancha Mon 27-Nov-17 23:10:44

"donquixotedelamancha you may find that idea batty, but it is quite a common idea really."

No offence intended. To be clear I was speaking of my own subjective feelings. I'm quite aware that the need for a biological connection is the majority view. There certainly isn't a right way to feel about stuff like this.

Italiangreyhound Tue 28-Nov-17 08:06:19

donquixotedelamancha I know, it's all very personal. I am happy with the decisions we made I just wanted to explain that sometimes the reasons are not so obvious.our IVF treatment was with donor eggs so there would have been no genetic link between me and a child.

I think it is important to take that 'thought' seriously, I'd it important for a person to have a genetic or biological link to a child, or to go through pregnancy etc. I found pregnancy horrible. So never quite understand personally when people want to do it but I do realise their desire is real and they need to consider it.

loopdeloo Tue 28-Nov-17 13:16:14

I am just starting to explore adoption and this is the first thread I have opened on this board. I have had two failed IVF attempts (with my own eggs). I have one more funded treatment available and then it would be paid for by us, and would really need to involve donor eggs. DH and I are pretty much decided we will not pursue that option.

I have not found the experience harrowing to be honest, and certainly less so than my natural pregnancy miscarriages. IVF has a very low success rate, not least for women late 30s+, so I suppose we didn't go into it with high expectations and so have not emerged feeling shocked and devastated.

We chose IVF for two reasons: firstly, because to have come so near yet so far with having our own genetic baby, it seemed crazy (for us) not to see that path through to its conclusion with offered treatment, whatever that conclusion turned out to be. Secondly, because it seemed to be the easier option.

Adoption is something I have seriously thought about for a long time, before I met my DH and started trying to have children of my own. It is not an "afterthought" or a "back up" option to that extent, but it is a "Plan B" because every time I mentioned my desire to adopt (when I'd met someone to start a family with) to people it was met with such negativity it started to feel it shouldn't be part of a "Plan A".

But here I am, looking at "Plan B" and hoping this board will help me to deal with what I currently fear will be a long and difficult process. I know it will not all be positive but I hope the reality of the stories and advice from people here will have some joy and will be a lot less negative than what I have heard so far (mainly, it has to be said, from people who've neither adopted nor been adopted)! We have one set of friends who've adopted (two men) and it has been very hard at times but has also been so clearly the right thing for them and the children that it has given us hope that we could engage in this process with the sort of excitement that we really want to allow ourselves to feel but are holding back from.

Noseyposey1 Tue 28-Nov-17 14:18:24

Another one that decided against IVF and went straight for Adoption. My husband and I wanted a family from a young age and knew ivf could be a long road with no guarantees at all. I think you need to think long and hard though, I’ve been through the adoption process 3 times, have 3 amazing boys but it’s incredibly challenging at times. It can also be a very stressful process, lots of hoops to jump through and often being left in limbo! Not trying to put you off but just saying it’s by no means an easier option. The children themselves can be a real challenge to parent, read up as much as you can on therapeutic parenting and PACE. Obviously giving birth to your own child there are no guarantees to a healthy child without any additional needs but just be aware that the needs of an adopted child can be much greater. All 3 of my boys were just babies when placed with us but all 3 have their challenges. I love them to bits though but I do sometimes wonder ‘what if we had done Ivf’. Best of luck to you.

Lovebehindthefool Tue 28-Nov-17 15:18:25

I didn’t get anywhere even close to fertility treatment. I had 3mc and the hospital told me to try again and if it happened again they would refer me for tests in London etc. I said no thank you. I weighed it up and, as adoption had been an option for me since my teen years, I went with that. No regrets, although I must admit I do wonder if we had tried one more time if I could have had a baby. More out of interest really.

loopdeloo Tue 28-Nov-17 15:32:39

If you don't mind me asking, when you say you didn't try again, do you mean you used contraception once you'd decided to go for adoption?

Italiangreyhound Tue 28-Nov-17 19:40:21

Good luck loop hope it goes well.

Good luck to all in various stages of the adoption process. flowers

Kewcumber Tue 28-Nov-17 20:30:56

I have IVF first but know plenty of people who adopted without trying fertility treatment first (for many reasons). Personally I am happy with my decisions - I was very focussed and decided in advance on 3 IVF attempts and promised myself I wouldn;t have any more. This did save much time compared with those who did 4-10 attempts.

I also had three horrid and disasterous UVF's - 1 = haemorage after embryo transfer (unexplained but to be safe had to inject progesterone in subsequent attempts which is like injecting olive oil using a rusty horse needle; 2 = hyperstimulation with 30+ follicles over 2cm but when I was "coasted" I reabsorbed all the eggs bar one; 3 = sperm died (inexplicably) before fertilising eggs when I'd had the longest IVF in the history of man to avoid hyperstimulating again.

Not that I'm trying to put anyone off but to counter those who had an easy time - I certianly didn't. Adoption was difficult in it's own way but in many ways was a blessed relief.

Now I really couldn't be less bothered about how DS and I became a family (he is 12 tomorrow) - it seems a long time ago and I wouldn't want a different child. I wish for his sake that he had less of the crap adoption comes with but he'd be dealing with that regardless of whether it was me who adopted him or someone else.

Good luck.

feelslikearockandahardplace Tue 28-Nov-17 21:39:38

We had a few appointments with an IVF clinic and initial tests done but decided it wasn't for us. One of the main reasons being that unless we had a multiple birth, we felt we would then try to pursue adoption anyway.

CompletelyUnknown Wed 29-Nov-17 00:24:03

My husband and I knew we had a choice very early on in our dating. We had friends that had gone the IVF route and ones that went the adoption route. We discussed at length what we were willing to put ourselves through. I wasn't willing to put him through fertility treatment that may not work just for a small chance (he has an illness that prevents us). He has BC that we adore. All I needed to know is would it make a difference that our child wasn't a birth child. We then decided once the time came for us to start a family we would focus joe heartedly on adoption. We have a gorgeous DD who is the love of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. My DH is absolutely smitten with her and my DSS adores her too.

It's about going through the pros and cons. We knew our chances were slim to none with IVF and didn't see the point in the stress/hormones/money/time when we could move ahead happy in our choice to adopt.

I just look at her adorable wee face and wouldn't have it any other way. Some people are shocked that we didn't even try to conceive. I didn't even come off of birth control but we knew already it wasn't going to happen. It took a while to fully accept that I would have my own flesh and blood but once she arrived in our life that was long forgotten. Good luck.

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